Don'T Kow If I am the Right Board

Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Don'T Kow If I am the Right Board
5
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 2:49am
I am new here and do not know if this is really the right board. Since the time I was a teen-ager I had problems with bouts of depression and self injury.I saw many counselors and psychiatrists over the years.Things improved greatly for a while. I got married to a widower with a son who was six years and had ADHD and behavioral problems due to his mOther's death when was 2(He is now 28and lives in New Jersey with his wife and her family). My husband and I have another who is 20 years .He is creative and intelligenc.At the age of 8 he was diagnosed with juvenile arthrits and by age 12 it was in over 20 joints,At age 12 he was diagnosed with fibromalgia, depression and OCD. Although he was ill for a few years, with medication and counseling he is doing very well now. He will be junior inn college, has been on the Dean's list three semesters and graduated fifth in his graduatiion class. I love my husband very much although he is very controlling

After my Mom died , I went through a bout of depression, which has lasted bassically on and off for the past 8 years.Both my son saw a wonderful counselor who went beyond the duty of being a counselor and was always therefor me. This past summer ahe had to take another job and our insurance company would no longer let her be our counselor.She handpicked new counselors fo my son and me.

After my Mom died, I realied there weremany things from my childhood that I could not rememer and could not rememer stories my sister,brother and other relatives remembered.Ther was some anger toward my Mother when she died becasue I never knew if she really love me. I could not like up to her standards. Through counseling I realized that there was a lot of emotonal and some physical abuse.My Dad die 4 years ago after being ill for seven months. Althought he was sometimes emotionally and physically abusive, I always knew he loved me.

About three months after Dad's death I went on Retreat and there I started to remember that m Dad sexually molested me. In my memory the first time it happened was when I was three or four years old.The memory was very vivid

I told myself that it was true. Some people told me it was proabably a false memory. When I got home there were many stressful things happening in my life so I put the mmory of the molestationbehind me.I did not want to believe it was true

This spring I started to remember more and Iquestioned if it was true.If my Dad really loved me how could he hurt me. I really have not remembered any other incidents of sexual abuse, but I think the first incident was sexually abused and my gut tells me that ther were other incidents.

My counselor says that there are no such things as false and she believes I was abused. I have strted to remember incident that may or may not have been sexually abusive, but they were very strange.There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse and when I was abused(especially physically because that is what I remember most) I think I dissassociated so It dd not feel the pain.

I still question what is true andif it is not true, am I being disloyal to my Father'memory.

My parents were very active at church and materially we never wanted for aanything.In fact my Mom and Dad were obsessive about how we looked and we always had plenty of toys. Da and Mom gave us lots of gifts and we went on family outings and vacations

I always felt we werethe perfectfamily and I was the black blotch, the imperfect one

I guess what confuses me most was how could someone be so loving at times andthen do thethings my paernts did.I think my Mom must have known and I question why she did not do anything about it (or did she)

I always tried to be perfect and never could meet my parents

expectations. I started self-injuring when I was a teen-ager and still do so at times.My parents never knew.

I loved my parents dearly. I am so confused. It is like a jigsaw puzzle and I cannot find all the pieces.

I love my husband, but he is also very cntrolling.he calls me name like "stupid and spacey." However he has been a GoodFather and mos of the time he is a Good Husband. Does anyone understand what I am going through or have any suggestions. My e-mail is "carey@aol.com,Thank you for listening
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 7:15am
Welcome, Ive been a memeber of this board almost 2 years. Altough, I havent been here much in the last 8 months, I know I can come here when the memories come, or I need some anonymity, and support. There are many here that hhave one through similar circumstances, The spaciness you speak of ,is totally normal, I have a very large family, and I will be in a room with everyone, and one of my kids will say mom, you whoo, are you there and waive there ands in front of my eyes. You are not alone, there are many levels of recovery, many that are in different places on their life journey. keep writing, and communicating and welcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 10:33am
First I'd like to welcome you here and let you know you are in the right place, there are people here that can relate to different aspects and can be supportive. It sounds like you have been through a lot and it is understandable for you to feel overwhelmed or even "spacey". It may take years of therapy to get to the bottom of things but if your gut is telling you something, you know it must be true. The most important thing is to take care of yourself while you're going through the healing process and maybe coming to this board can help. I hope that your relationship with your husband is healthy in terms of him being "controlling". Don't forget that you have to take care of yourself as well and that may be the beginning of letting go of all the feelings you've had since childhood. It sounds like you put other people before yourself (i.e. the cutting) so take some time for yourself!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 12:48pm
Welcome to the board. I do know what you're going through. When memories resurface, they can be very hard to accept. It is often much easier to blame ourselves than to blame our parents. It's so hard to comprehend that a parent could do something so horrible--even though we know that it happens all of the time, it's different when we think of it happening to ourselves.

Do you have a therapist? If not, I'd strongly recommend that you find one, especially one who specializes in sexual abuse issues. And keep coming back here--you'll find lots of support here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 6:01pm
First; yes you are in the right place. second please do not doubt your memories. Repression of memories has caused self-injuring tendancies to all the girls i met who had repressed memories. See we need to excorsise our demons even if we do not conciously know we have them. My first question to anybody who self-injures would be "who hurt you first that you need to carry it on?" See we all self-injure on some level after abuse. Till we get healthy we do not know how to live outside the cycle. i myself did not cut, i gave myself over and over again to men who did not care. I still slip up.

i'd hazard a guess too that after a bit more therepy you might see your husband in a bit diferent light. Names are never justified. But anyways, you have found people who share your story here and are glad (ok driven) to help. Can't help yourself at least help others is what i've always said. Good luck to you and please stay strong and true to your self. if your parents have passed God and they now know. Now you need to take care of you and your memories not theirs.

SafeHugs,

Danielle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 7:40pm
Welcome to the board! You definitely are in the right place--I'm glad you posted. Boy, it sounds like you've had a lot to deal with, apart from the abuse. I'm glad to hear that your sons are doing so well. It sounds like they have had a lot to deal with. I could hear in your post how proud you are of them!

I think that it's highly doubtful that what you have experienced is false memory. What on earth would a person have to gain by making it up or imagining such things? It makes me so mad when I hear of people putting that label on repressed memories. They're not pleasant, and usually the person is shamed by the memories, so it makes no sense that they are made up.

My SA didn't happen with a family member (at least I haven't remembered any)--it happened from a non-family member. But my mother was extremely abusive in other ways, and my dad defended her many times and put the blame on us kids not being good enough. We were also very active in church, and I think that made it more difficult to recognize or admit that the things that went on behind closed doors were not normal. My mom's church and social face was totally different than what she was at home. As a child I was so confused, and growing up she played games with my head so that I thought I was overreacting or making things up. I have literally felt like a crazy person many times during my life!

The fazing out is pretty normal, I think, when you've been through trauma. The brain has to work so hard to deal with what has happened that sometimes it just can't handle much more.

I am sorry to hear that your husband speaks to you so unkindly. I hope that that can change.

It sounds like you have a good counselor. I hope that he/she can guide you through this. Please come here often for support.

(((gentle hugs to you)))

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board