Could be triggering...talking about sex
Find a Conversation
|Sat, 06-21-2003 - 10:52pm|
My T says I've really come far in the last year. She even told me she's proud of me and how hard I've been working.
Some of you may remember my story....(if not, feel free to ask)
I haven't been in contact with my mother in more than a year now and I have to say: although I miss her sometimes, my life is so much LESS stressful than when I was in contact with her. I've really been able to start to change some of the ways I think, and also to be toward my children the way *I* want to be, NOT the way SHE wants me to be. I agree with my T.....I *have* worked hard and continue to do that every day. I think my T thinks I'm ready to stop therapy. And, if my mother were my only problem, I might agree.
But, a problem that lingers, and I can't fix it on my own, is sex. And, my husband. He of course is very sexual..... I've always hated sex....the thought of it, the sounds, the looks...everything. But, it seems that now that I'm not so stressed about my mother, I guess sex is the bigger problem. It's like sex angers me now. Every time my husband wants sex, I get literally angry. I feel bad for him, but I also feel so guilty. But, I just get so mad about it, I don't really even know why. So, my husband has started to look at porn on the internet- which just disgusts me, and then I get even madder. I'll come home and find him looking at it, or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and he'll be on the computer- and all the while.............. relieving himself, to put it mildly- which totally grosses me out. I just think it's sick and perverted. Anyway, so now, because he's been going to these sites, I'm starting to get porn emails and crap like that..........so finally I put the parental controls on the computer like he's a little baby. So, he can't go to those sites anymore. I know he's a grown adult and all that...and he "has needs" - which I also find disgusting....but, I can't help but feel angry at him- that he even wants sex at all..... I know it's normal and all that....but, to me, it's not normal. It's torture for me. I try so hard to think about anything but sex.... but, I don't seem to be able to "escape" like some people can..... God, I wish I could.
Anyway, the moral is.....I still can't bring myself to talk about it to the T. I sit there the whole time talking about other stuff, all the while, thinking the whole time about sex and how much I despise it, but I just can't say it. I've even tried to write about it to her, but then when she tries to respond, I shut down and mentally, fold up into a ball to protect myself. I know that's not good, but I don't know how to overcome this obstacle. I don't know what to do.