Please, HELP ME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Please, HELP ME!
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 2:02pm
Hello Everyone,

First few words about me…

I am 29 years old woman, mother and wife.

I work full time and I love what I do.

I have been married for 9 years.

I have 6 years old son.

This isn’t my first time on / message boards.

I use to come here and be active for a long time.

I started at the Debt Support Group…then I went to the Depression Support Group. And after I got out of debt, over came my depression…or I should say: learned how to deal / live with it… since then I have not come here as often.

Since about 3 years… I feel like I am alive for the first time in my whole life.

But for one I miss coming here and for two a problem has emerge in my life that I do not know how to deal with, what to do and I need your help.

This isn’t about my problem; it is about my husband’s problem.

Well in my eyes when a married person has a problem that problem becomes a problem for both sides.

My husband doesn’t think that way…

Maybe I am wrong too, in what I believe…?

My husband has been sexually molested as a child.

Growing up sex has been a BIG issue for him.

As a young boy he questioned his sexuality.

Stayed absent from sex for a long time.

Then in his twenties he started to deal with it…

His way of dealing with it was to completely block in his mind what have happed to him as a child, like nothing happed. He was doing OK for a long time. Or at least he looked like he was.

Then we met. Got married. Had a great sexual relationship.

Before we got married, he was…

Open about his past, told me about how everything had happened.

I was the 2nd person to know about all the details, besides his mother.

Then, I was 19 years old. He seemed to react toward me in very healthy sexual way.

He was open, very communicative… this was one of the # 1 reason I have fallen in love with him…

We use to talk and talk for hours and hours.

We were able to talk and be open about everything without worrying about being judge.

Then… I did not understand what he meant by saying: I will never be sexually normal person. The understanding of that came to me over a long period of time, while being married.

Since my son was born our sex life was off the to do list for a long time.

Until this day we do make love but I think that is because “this is the right thing to do once a while as a married couple”.

Since the time I have started to take care of my own issues, mainly depression I saw change in my husband.

I short words…

I am not sure when and how all this started but…

Today he doesn’t talk to me about his problems.

He doesn’t talk to me at all.

It’s like something had closed him up, enabled to communicate.

He says he does want o have sex but I need to show interest in it as much as he does. That is very hard for me… I, as a woman believe and I need to feel wanted and then I can show that I am interested in having sex.

This has been a problem for about 3 years by now…

I am afraid I have fallen out of love with him… and have no strengths to try to understand him, help him…

A couple of years ago, during a huge fight he told me: I will not talk about it, I will not deal with it, this is who I am today, I will not change, if you don’t like it: leave me!

I don’t know what do to… Why he has changed, what triggered that change? Maybe this isn’t such a big deal? Maybe we have just fallen out of love? Counseling for him is out of the questions…

I feel like I was lied to when I married him.

He has changed so much!

And every time I try to raise the issue, I am told: that the problem is in me not him.

That I always have issues with our marriage, he doesn’t. He just accepts it for what it is. I am so confused. Please help me understand this whole mess.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:46pm
It sounds like you've been through a lot. Can I ask why counseling for him is out of the question? If he knew he might lose you, might he not reconsider? Or how about counseling for you? Do you think that would help? No one can make your husband choose to travel down the road to healing. It's a rough road, and a long one, too. But maybe a counselor can help you figure out ways to better communicate with him.

Have you read Allies in Healing or The Sexual Healing Journey?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 12:51am
Welcome, isabella. I hope you'll find this to be a good place to come for support.

I am sorry you're experiencing this change in your relationship. From what you describe it sounds to me like he is the one not handling things in a healthy way, not you. You mentioned that it's since you've gotten help for your issues that he's stopped talking to you. Do you think he feels threatened by the progress you have made? Maybe it scared him to see you moving forward, like you weren't on even ground any more. Does that make sense?

I agree with freegirl that counseling would be a great help. If he's not willing to go, then you can go for yourself and get help in dealing with him. You can't change the other person, but you can make choices for yourself. I hope that you will be able to find a good solution to help you.

I wish I had more to offer, but wanted you to know that you are welcome here.

Hugs, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 5:55pm
Nobody "can get over it" that is why he is not the same person as the amn you married. He just can not deal with it as well anymore. When my other half and i first got together i was as interested in sex as he was. Over the years it became less but his demands sayed the same. Now this is where our stories diverge but it could help anyways. You are probably right in him having sex because he knows he should. It's unfortunate but it's built into us. Me so much that i let George have a schedule. One night on one night off. I hate sex now. I still try and keep up my end of the deal, he supports and feeds us (our son and I). But now sometimes when he touches me i could kick him in the head. I know it's not him but none the less it is part of my identity now. So where as i here that i also am not willing to settle for living this living death any longer and have started to get help AGAIN. Now a most likely place to start is with a medical doctor. Most likely Post Tramautic Stress Disorder is involved. This may be a little easier for him to accept as it is more commonly recognised as a war thing. It is treatable with meds and therepy. You say you have a child, perhaps you could appeal to his love for his child? It is about the only thing that keeps me going. It is ultra important because of what happened to me, that my son have a safe, happy life he can build a solid future on. It's either get better or don't ruin your kid with it. One more thing and perhaps one day i can say this to the whole world; It is high time victims stopped living a life sentance for an abusers crime! They do the crime we pay with everything and they are allowed their lives. Please tell your husband that if he does not try and get better his abuser wins again and will always abuse him in his soul. Taking a step towards help is a step towards claiming your REAL life. No more living in the shadow's. A really good song that might help you even a bit is called Keep on Dancing by Creed. It talks about how sometimes things seem totally impossible but we can not stop trying. We all need to know that we should, can and will make it through. Good luck hun. Good thoughts and lots of strength sent your way.