Please, HELP ME!
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|Mon, 06-23-2003 - 2:02pm|
First few words about me…
I am 29 years old woman, mother and wife.
I work full time and I love what I do.
I have been married for 9 years.
I have 6 years old son.
This isn’t my first time on iVillage.com / message boards.
I use to come here and be active for a long time.
I started at the Debt Support Group…then I went to the Depression Support Group. And after I got out of debt, over came my depression…or I should say: learned how to deal / live with it… since then I have not come here as often.
Since about 3 years… I feel like I am alive for the first time in my whole life.
But for one I miss coming here and for two a problem has emerge in my life that I do not know how to deal with, what to do and I need your help.
This isn’t about my problem; it is about my husband’s problem.
Well in my eyes when a married person has a problem that problem becomes a problem for both sides.
My husband doesn’t think that way…
Maybe I am wrong too, in what I believe…?
My husband has been sexually molested as a child.
Growing up sex has been a BIG issue for him.
As a young boy he questioned his sexuality.
Stayed absent from sex for a long time.
Then in his twenties he started to deal with it…
His way of dealing with it was to completely block in his mind what have happed to him as a child, like nothing happed. He was doing OK for a long time. Or at least he looked like he was.
Then we met. Got married. Had a great sexual relationship.
Before we got married, he was…
Open about his past, told me about how everything had happened.
I was the 2nd person to know about all the details, besides his mother.
Then, I was 19 years old. He seemed to react toward me in very healthy sexual way.
He was open, very communicative… this was one of the # 1 reason I have fallen in love with him…
We use to talk and talk for hours and hours.
We were able to talk and be open about everything without worrying about being judge.
Then… I did not understand what he meant by saying: I will never be sexually normal person. The understanding of that came to me over a long period of time, while being married.
Since my son was born our sex life was off the to do list for a long time.
Until this day we do make love but I think that is because “this is the right thing to do once a while as a married couple”.
Since the time I have started to take care of my own issues, mainly depression I saw change in my husband.
I short words…
I am not sure when and how all this started but…
Today he doesn’t talk to me about his problems.
He doesn’t talk to me at all.
It’s like something had closed him up, enabled to communicate.
He says he does want o have sex but I need to show interest in it as much as he does. That is very hard for me… I, as a woman believe and I need to feel wanted and then I can show that I am interested in having sex.
This has been a problem for about 3 years by now…
I am afraid I have fallen out of love with him… and have no strengths to try to understand him, help him…
A couple of years ago, during a huge fight he told me: I will not talk about it, I will not deal with it, this is who I am today, I will not change, if you don’t like it: leave me!
I don’t know what do to… Why he has changed, what triggered that change? Maybe this isn’t such a big deal? Maybe we have just fallen out of love? Counseling for him is out of the questions…
I feel like I was lied to when I married him.
He has changed so much!
And every time I try to raise the issue, I am told: that the problem is in me not him.
That I always have issues with our marriage, he doesn’t. He just accepts it for what it is. I am so confused. Please help me understand this whole mess.