QOTW: Deciding to heal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
QOTW: Deciding to heal
6
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:50pm
Deciding to embark on the healing journey is a tough decision. Many victims don't ever choose this path, opting instead of a life of denial or minimizing what was done to them. The healing journey, as we all know, is long and difficult--but I think most of us feel that it's worth the wait and effort.

What prompted you to make the decision to begin the healing journey?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 8:13am
Wow! That is a heavy question...I guess it's because I have decided to take back my life. My mother moved a thousand miles away and I can finally feel free to let out what had been building up for so long. It was a conscience decision to take care of myself and put me first. I didn't want to let other people control my life forever. I want to be able to have normal healthy relationships, I want to get married, have children, etc... and I wasn't going to let my SA stop me from getting what I want and deserve. So I decided not to live in denial and face the realities with the intentions that once it is out in the open, i can let go of the guilt, shame and blame.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 9:14am
Last year, I was angry about everything and felt totally isolated from people, things, ideas. I was feeling more and more detached from life and didn't care much about what was going on. I started feeling like I was "going crazy" -- whereas I was holding it together so long. I made a call recently and started going to a therapist just to say what was going on. The things I had been describing, actually had a name, a reason, etc. Just that fact has lifted a level of stress, secrecy and shame that I had about my life and how I feel about things. There are reasons why I think and feel differently. To have it justified was a good feeling. Now that I'm in my 30's, I don't want to waste my time on negative things anymore. I want a LIFE, not just a cheap imitation of a one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 1:02am
For me the decision to heal came after almost two years of counseling for other issues. I realized that the SA was the final piece of the puzzle that I needed to look at in order to become a whole person. I've never felt whole. I've always felt different and that something was missing.

For me the healing journey is that quest to become more whole, and also to take charge of my life. I felt like a victim for too long, like life was just happening to me.

The thing that got me into counseling in the first place was the desire and determination to not become like my mother. I don't want to be anything like her. It feels good to be free of her influence.

My first day in counseling was the most validating day of my entire life. Up until that point I seriously suspected that I was crazy. Hearing someone tell me that what I had BEEN THROUGH was crazy, and that my mom's actions were crazy, not me, lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders.

Part of being whole for me is having confidence in who I am, without needing nods of approval from other people or living in fear of being shamed.

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 3:07am
Even though I asked this question, I'm not sure I ever made a "decision" to heal. Once I remembered the sexual abuse, I suddenly felt a huge sense of relief. It was like the puzzle pieces finally fell into place. I had the answer to all the questions I had about my family for all of those years. Of course, after that initial sense of relief, there was a definite low period when I felt like the bottom dropped out. But even then, I don't remember "deciding" to heal. There was no other choice for me. I had to go to therapy if I was going to survive. So maybe on some level, I made a choice: healing vs. suicide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 5:28pm
For me it's the fact that i don't really have any other choice. My choices are essentially this: 1-carry on with this living death of a life and eventually get very physically ill and possibly taint my son's life. 2-do something about it and try and seek justice or 3-commit suicide and quit living with the torture. Too me only one of those is truly an option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 9:59pm
Even though I've been in therapy for years now, only recently have I decided to heal. My life is about more than being molested by that SOB. My entire life, I've felt as if I were playing a game and I didn't know the rules. Therapy was even about trying to figure out what was expected of me. Sometimes, now, I feel as though I'm real. Even though I think and act differently than anyone I know, that is not bad. There are benefits to my differences, and I'm beginning to see them - sometimes. Even though I have been slower than I would like to be about my healing, I'm on the perfect timetable for me. Right now I really believe that, though who knows about tomorrow. I've spent most of my life not feeling. The glimpses of feelings that feel good make me want more. The feeling I have when my grandson's eyes light up at hearing my voice are beyond words. The parts that feel bad really stink. But I think I have to feel those to reach the good, or rather to feel the good when it happens. I still have major league delayed reactions. So, I guess what has influenced me the most in deciding to heal has been those glimpes of good. And now I'm just kind of going on faith.

Deb