new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
new here
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Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:03am
Hi, I was surfing around and seen the board and decided to stop and chat.

I too was molested when I was a child I beleive it was one of my brothers, but im not sure. i never talked about until I got married I told my husband then got the nerve to bring it up to one of my brothers (not one on the suspect list) he said that it could have been our uncle there was a story about one of my other brothers. well anyway he didnt know anything and im sure my parents did they are both dead now, mom when i was 13, dad just 6months ago, i could never get the courage to deal with it with him, plus i know that they had to have known i remember them walking in, and they still let him live in the house, never tried to prevent it from happening again. background, brothers are all stepbrothers oldest is big suspect, other possible, other brother middle one is clear we are close like brother and sister should be any way the oldest was 10 years older than me and had his mother to live with, why didnt he move, stay away from our home? why didnt my own mother do any thing to make me feel protected. sometimes it feels like those cheesy movies on lifetime. thanks for letting me share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: bradymom6
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 1:45pm
Welcome to the board--I'm glad you stopped by.

This is such a hard thing to deal with. I'm glad that you have been able to talk to your one brother and that he listened and didn't tell you that you were making it up, imagining it, etc. I'm sure you were relieved to be able to talk with him about it.

I can totally understand your feelings toward your parents. I can't believe they walked in on it happening and didn't do anything about it. I'm going through a real anger phase towards my mom right now for not helping me and for the way she treated me. I know I'll work through it eventually but right now I cannot stand her. Do you feel that your parents being dead makes it harder to get resolution to this?

If you aren't already seeing one, I highly recommend a good counselor. Make sure it's someone you're comfortable with and who has experience with sexual abuse counseling. This has made a huge, huge difference for me.

Please feel free to share more about yourself and ask questions! It's fine to come here during hard times and talk about it, too. You'll find lots of caring and understanding here.

Hugs, Heidi

P.S. Curious about your boardname--are you a mother of six? Other "Brady Bunch" connections?

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: bradymom6
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 1:54pm
I'm glad you stopped by and dropped us a note. That takes a lot of courage in and of itself.

I wish I could help you get answers to your questions. However, "Why?", is all but impossible to answer unfortunately. The key to your peace will come through healing those wounds. If you aren't dealing with this now then I encourage you to get with a therapist, preferably someone who specializes in sexual abuse. Your pain and anger and shame can't be hidden or ignored forever. Healing and living a free life is possible.

On the other hand, if you're not quite ready for therapy then I might suggest getting "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. It's an excellent read for survivors. Just a word of caution, read it slowly b/c the emotions and feelings that surface while reading it can become too much, especially if you're dealing with this by yourself.

Overall,it sounds as though your assumptions are right on target. Most survivors have incredibly accurate gut instincts. Following those instincts can lead us to horrible memories but it can eat us up if we leave those hidden skeletons in our psyche. You're doing the right thing by talking to people about this. You must have a great husband whom you can trust. That's wonderful. And I'm glad you found us. This board is a great place to be with people who understand what you've been through. You aren't alone at all. I look forward to getting to know you more.

**gentle hugs**

Gail

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: bradymom6
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 7:38am
Thank you so much for your responses. It is nice to able to talk about this being "unknown" so to speak. I dont have many girlfriends to confide in (gave up that a long time ago; could not trust any even know it is like junior high school) so I keep alot of stuff inside, which I know is not good but I dont want to burden my husband with all of my "baggage" either. Yes, I do belive my parents being dead will be aproblem getting this resolvedfor me. Just out of curiosty, sometimes I feel like a child still, Im 26, and somedays I feel like 16 all over again, anyone else get that feeling? Does it go w/the territory? I feel somany emotions sometimes from being angry that nothing was done to hurt and ashamed, even indifferent like it doesnt matter. How can something like this happen and you feel indifferent?? As for my screen name, yes I have 6 children, I have 4 stepchildren and 2 of my own. When my husband and I first met our friends coined the phrase "The New Millenium Brady Bunch" and it stuck.

Thanks again ladies.

((hugs)),

char

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: bradymom6
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:11am
I think it does come with the territory to feel at times that you are still a child/youth. I feel like that a lot, and I think it's because the child inside of me that was hurt at various stages is still hurt and needs her feelings addressed. Sometimes I still feel so vulnerable. It's really easy for fears to kick in with me, too. I'm managing it better but it definitely crops up at times.

New Millenium Brady Bunch--I love it! You don't see large families very often anymore.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: bradymom6
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 7:02pm
I'm sorry to hear what you went through. My mothers, step and biological; refuse to acknowledge anything. I've written my bio-mom a couple leters now, last sunday i begged her to at least let me know if she recieved them, that it was torturing me and i need to get on with my life for the sake of my child. I have not heard from her. I myself do not know how to get past it. Instead i'm trying to charge my father and at least give them no choice in acknowledgment any longer. They've taken so much out of my hands i'd like to return a little of the same. I don't know why some parents alow this abuse to go on, the only thing i can figure is that they are selfish and self-serving. Acknowledging we were hurt means acknowledging they might have screwed up.

But hun, your parents are not around anymore. Your abuser is though. You need to find out who did this to you for a number of reasons, most important your unconscious knows and will not let it happen. People with repressed memories smetimes self-harm. And then there is the fact that abusers do not only do it once. The person who abused you will most likely abuse again if he has not already. That is part of the reason i need to charge my father, he has 2 grandkids and another on the way, all of which spend a lot of time with him. i just pray i'm not too late. Anyways, good luck to you hun, stay strong and most of all take care and protect yourself, we owe it to ourselves.