why do I still hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
why do I still hurt
4
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 7:07pm
I havn't written on this site before,but I was told this is where I might find help.When I was seven my mom left my alcoholic father for an even worse man.He started molesting me pretty much right off,along with regular spankings until my butt bled,getting dragged by the hair,starved and other things I don't feel like typing.After awhile he started raping me and even let some of his druggy friends have a turn from time to time.When I turned eleven the human services finally stepped in and I went into foster care until my dad said he'd take me.I thought I was safe,but one night he got really drunk and came in my room and started touching me on my vagina.I was to terrified to move and I pretended to be asleep.I was in a state of shock I think because I couldn't move or think for the whole night.I told the human service people what happened and was put into foster homes again.Then when I was thirteen,my mom had married another guy so I went to stay with her again.At least he didn't touch me sexually,he just slapped me around alot and always kept me informed about what a whore I was and how I would never be anything.I guess I was because when I turned fifteen I started having sex.I didn't even like it ,I mean at first when I got a boyfriend and we would make out I would get turned on,but as soon as we had sex I couldn't feel anything aand I never got horny with them again.I ended up having sex with alot of different guys.I felt like sex was just something you did to show affection,it wasn't anything special.By the time I was 18 I had two kids,and I knew I needed to get married to make myself stop going from man to man.When I got married I wasn't happy.Sex was horrible and the guy would make me do it all the time or else he would be mean to the kids.I hated for him to touch me at all.13 years later I left.Now I am married again to a great man,and sex at first was good.Now though its getting where I can't get aroused at all again.I also crave the attention of other men alot,it is so hard not to cheat,not to acually have sex,but to mess around so I can feel something.I do love my husband so much and I am not putting myself in a position that will get me in trouble.I hate myself for feeling this way.At work a bunch of guys hit on me on a daily basis,and as much as I hate to admit it,I get a thrill out of it.If they don't I feel like I must look ugly or something.I have never had any real friends,I just can't get close to anyone.I want to,I honestly do,but something inside just won't let me.I can't even feel close to my husband or kids.I mean I have feelings for them,I love them with all my heart,but I don't feel trust or like I can be relaxed.I went for counseling for awhile,was on prozac,but it didn't seem to help alot.The therypist didn't do anything but let me talk,and if I had nothing to say,then neither did she.I don't sleep unless I take sleeping pills,and sometimes that doesn't help.I have been relly down lately,two reasons I am sure are the lack of desire for my wonderful husband and the growing desire for other guys again.I am so horrible for feeling that way.What the hell is wrong with me that it's so hard to be faithful?What happened to me was along time ago,its over and I should be over it.I have everything I need,why am I still wanting more?Sometimes I wonder if mabey I have something wrong with me that makes men want me,and thats why all that stuff happened in the first place.Mabey its me that causes it to happen.I just want to move on and be happy.I wouldn't mind getting therapy again if for no other reason than to get something to make me sleep,but I won't have insurance for another month.Any advice on why I can't stop these whorish feelings would be great.
Avatar for tonya416
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:38pm
Hi Tammy,

I am so sorry for everything you have been through. There is so much I want to say - if you want to talk please feel free to email me at Tona@myeastern.com. I use to post here often (as far back as when the board just began) but haven't as much lately - but I still lurk every now and then. I just wanted to say that this is a wonderful place to gain support and share. I have meet SO many wonderful and caring friends here. In addition, I wanted to suggest the book " The Courage to Heal" - it touches on many of the feelings that you have had/are having.

Hugs and welcome to the board

Please feel free to email me

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 2:09am
I wanted to welcome you to the board. My heart just broke as I read your post. So much violence, besides the sexual abuse.

You know the fact that you became sexually active when you were fifteen does not mean you were a whore. You were shown that that was how to show affection to males, and the fact that your stepfather told you constantly that you were one just set you up for acting the way he said you were.

Also it's flattering when men hit on you, because it reinforces to you that you are attractive. Doesn't mean you should cheat on your husband, but there is that rush when men find you attractive. I would guess that the reason you have a hard time getting close with people is because you were so terribly betrayed by those closest to you when you were growing up. It's a way that you're protecting yourself. Subconsciously you're probably telling yourself that if you don't get too close, then they can't hurt you.

I really think you should find a good therapist to help you out with the sexual issues you are having. I'm sure it stems from the abuse. Your experiences with sex were so terribly distorted from what should be an expression of love and giving of oneself. You were used like an object to satisfy others' sick desires. It makes sense that when you were in boyfriend/husband relationships sex would still feel like that to you. You probably shut yourself off to an extent when you were abused, and so shut off in your relationships, too.

It doesn't sound to me like your first therapist was a good one. There are lots of times when a patient is so overwhelmed when they go in that they don't know where to start. If you couldn't start the conversation she could have been ready with some suggestions addressing issues brought up in your previous visit. A good therapist doesn't just sit and listen and then tell you when time's up; s/he should listen and give feedback and suggestions. Something I have found helpful, too, is writing things down as they occur to me during the time between visits and taking that with me because sometimes I forget specific things I wanted to bring up.

Keep remembering how much you love your wonderful husband and your children. It's good that intellectually you know that, even if your feelings right now are confusing. I do believe that the sexual issues are separate, so don't throw away what you have. Good husbands are not easy to find in this world, as I'm sure you know! Is it possible that you don't feel that you are deserving of a loving relationship, since you were never shown that growing up? Maybe subconsciously you're feeling like sabotaging it to prove to him that he shouldn't love you or to challenge him to love you despite certain actions? One of my protective mechanisms has been to gain weight, and I think that in a way I was trying my husband to see how much he really loves me, to see if he loved me for me even with the extra weight. Also I used to get hit on early in our marriage and the thrill I got when that happened really scared me. I didn't trust myself, and didn't want to compromise our marriage, so I think I put on weight as a way to keep guys away from me. It's a way of feeling invisible.

I wish you much luck as you work through these difficult issues. You have been through a lot and deserve to heal and live the life you want to. I hope that you will post here often. Don't be afraid to vent and ask questions. We have great people here.

Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 7:52am
I can not belive what I just read, I felt as if I had wrote that myself.

Unlike most of you that post here I dont have vivid memories of what happened to me, just hazy, dreamlike recollections and Im not even sure who the perp is.

I also started having sex young, at14, but before I masturbated since I was like 8 or 9 (any connection, anyone else do that?) Was also VERY promiscous. Would have sex with any man that was older that I was (have always been attracted to older men, my husband is 10 years older than I ).All my life I wanted to be married and have kids, so at 17 I fullfilled that dream (if only to get away from my father, not exaclty sure why:/) Another of my huge mistakes, he cheated on me and become a drug addict (still is to this day)eventually I craved the attetion from other men and began cheating also. Ended up having 2 beautiful girls and tubes tied. All before I was 21 years old. I am now married to a WONDERFUL man and like your situation the sex was great at first then I slowly began to not get arroused anylonger. Then I started craving attention again. I work with the public and men hit on me also and I love the feeling I get when an attractive man flirts with me :0. I almost cheated on my current husband beacause of that (thank god I didnt, I couldnt stand the feeling of being close to another man besides my husband)

I too feel like Im not close to anyone, even my husband and children. I have never had any real friends, I had girlfriends in school,but they were basically status friends. I cant get close to anyone either, I dont trust anyone, all of my so called friends have ended up stabbing me in the back. Now Im just craving a friend, someone to talk to and share things with, someone other than my husband, as great as he is, hes not a girl :}

I just started counseling my 2nd appt is wed., sofar so good I felt a little better after going just one time. I strongly recommend you try again with a differnt therapist and different meds, prozac used to be the wonder drug, notanymore, there are several effective drugs out there, you just need to find it. You can heal, just remember there is hope. I am sorry for what you went through. Dont be a stranger, post again.

{{{HUGS}}}

char

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 3:06pm
Hi Brady,

I started masturbating around the time I lost my virginity at age 5.