New here, (triggs)

Avatar for ready2go2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
New here, (triggs)
2
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:01pm
Hi my name is Kristina. I am 15 years old. I was only 12 when the stuff happened to me. My family and I where all living in a campground at that point, we had had money problems at that point so we had to move there. Now we live in a way better place. But when I lived there for the 3 years, There was a neighbour. He was live in his 50's or something. And well we all know the type. THe old men who have puppies and candy. He made my family and I belive he was a good person. But in the mean time he was a peeping tom. He whould watch me in my bedroom window. He would talk about my breasts. He would call me fat. He would hire me to clean his smal yard, and whould "watch me". He was a smart man I guess. He told me lies. I tried to tell my parents but they didnt believe me. I guess he knew that if he only "brushed" his hand against' my breasts and Butt, there whouldn't be anything the cops could do.

I guess it all was tramatizing enough for a 12 year old that I blocked it out. I think its called post tramatic stress. Anyways, I blocked all the stuff out till we moved away from there. When we moved to this other place. I started going to a youth group. And lets just say I started having really bad panick attacks. I would freak out if I saw old men. I became too deppressed. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I ended up going on anti-depressents. And I ended up in the hospital because I wanted to kill myself. I was still so confused about the was I was. Nobody knew. Until I ended up with a phyciatrist who looked like "him" way tooo much. I came out of out session and just went crazy. You could say thats where my flash backs happened. So the doc's now knew what was sorta wrong.

I left the hospital with my mom.

And for months ahead I was paranoid. I wouldn't leave my house because the parents had told him where we lived before they knew what had happened. I stopped going to church. I was just so depressed. my self esteem was so low. I started to Self injure.

Things where just too crazy. I was not normal anymore. Mom and dad moved to another place with us kids. Not only for me but so we'd be closer to my dads work.

I slowly started to feel better. Until I saw his truck. I would see it places. Then one time I was outside and he drove by. I dont think he saw me though.

Anyways. I saw him yesterday. He wasn't more them a few feet in front of me. I was at store with my mom and older brother. Mom and I had just paid for our stuff, wen I saw him in fornt of us. I only saw him from behind, but it was him. I just freaked out. I took the buggy and literatly crashed out of the store. My head had just gone so hot. I thought it would explode. I felt like I was gonna puke. I was shaking. I was scared.

I know know what happened to me when I was 12, was real. I was scared I had imagined it. But eh feeling isnide where too real. I know it happened.

I'm sorry for writing so long, I needed to vent.

Thanks

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:27pm
Hi Kristina,

I wanted to welcome you to the board. I'm glad you found us and were able to share what happened to you. I can understand why you've been so upset and why you feel that way every time you see him. Do your parents know it was him, and are they understanding when you have the triggering episodes? What was your mom's reaction at the store?

Talk to your parents about helping you to find a support group; there should be some available in your community and maybe through your church, as well that would be free of charge. Do you still see a psychiatrist, or was that just when you were in the hospital?

Come here as often as you need to to talk and get support. I wish you well in dealing with this. What happened to you was wrong, and you are right to be upset about it. Just remember that you are a person of worth and that what happened to you doesn't make you a bad person. It takes time to work through things, so be patient with yourself and surround yourself with good people.

Since you mentioned self-injury, I thought I would mention that there is a Self-Injury board here at ivillage that would also be of help to you. Click on the top of this page where it says "ivillage health's message boards" and you'll find it on the menu that pops up.

Hugs to you, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 12:55am
Welcome! I'm so impressed that you're dealing with this at such a young age. I think that's great, and I think you're doing yourself a HUGE favor by having the courage to face this now instead of just sweeping it under the rug. I hope you'll stick around as you work through these issues. (((hugs))) and welcome!