Vents and Victories?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Vents and Victories?
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Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:02pm
Anyone have vents or vicories from this week that you'd care to share with us? Victory or vent, here's a hug! (((((HUG)))))

Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:15pm
Mine's a vent--

I'm still really angry with my mother for the way she treated me and for not helping me. She is a lot more pleasant these days and that for some reason makes me even angrier. It's like I don't want to acknowledge that she can change. I also wonder how sincere it is, or if she's up to some kind of manipulation or being nicer so that she doesn't find herself alone. So I don't know how much of it is her trying harder and how much of it is self-serving on her part. I'm pleasant back, but it's so surface that it makes me nuts. A part of me really wants to talk to her about how hard she's made my life, but past experiences where I've tried to express myself have shown her to be very angry and to lash out. She told me yesterday that I'm doing a really, really good job as a mother, and that should have just made me feel good, but I found myself wishing that she would just apologize. I think she knows she made mistakes but she won't bring it up. And I'm scared to. I'm the healthiest I've ever been emotionally right now, and I don't want to fall apart again if we have a bad scene.

Okay, someone else's turn now!

Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 3:01pm
I have a vent. I hate the person who did this to me!!! Nobody in my family knows I've kept this secret from friends and family for the past 15yrs. I want to have a life! I want a husband and kids! The person who did this seems to be happy. He went back to school and is taking get this psycology!!!! I hate him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 10:47pm
I have vents.

My child is getting a divorce. My grandson is moving away. My son is heartbroken and hurting. I may be angry at his wife, what my son is going through because she's not ready to be married. Some of things he says he's heard her say are so tough. He is so afraid of losing his son. I'd much rather be the one hurting. Than either one of my kids. I wanted life to be good to them. I will miss my grandson terribly. I will still get to see him I'm sure, I just won't see him as often. I fear that he won't want to visit me. I remember going to my grandmother's house and not wanting to be there. I know that circumstances are very very much different, but I still fear not being loved by him.

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 12:35am
Victory and Vent: I talked to bio-mom and told her all about what my dad did. Nothing changed. She's still an uncaring bitch no matter what false words fall from her mouth.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 12:56am
slyfox,

Your feelings are very valid and understandable! That is pretty sickening that he is going into psychology. The idea of someone like that being a therapist makes me feel ill. I can see why you're upset. It's perfectly natural that the feeling of hatred would be there, anyway, and seeing him living a seemingly happy life not paying consequences just makes it worse.

Do you think you will end up telling in time? I'm not saying you should, just wondering. I haven't told anyone besides my husband and therapist and the idea of telling my mother makes me nauseous.

Keep hanging in there. Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 1:01am
Oh Deb,

How hard to see your family go through such heartbreaking things. I am so sorry. I know that as a mother I want the best for my kids, so I can imagine your pain at seeing them go through these difficulties.

As for your grandson, I'm sure he will always love to come and visit you. Whatever your reasons for not liking to be at your grandma's, I'm sure that those circumstances were different from those you are in now. Just continue to love him and make him feel special, and he will ALWAYS love coming to Grandma's house! My in-laws have been fantastic grandparents, even miles away, and I have to say it is because they treat our children with respect and make them feel valued and precious.

Hope you start feeling better. Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 1:06am
You're right; that is both victory and vent. Good for you for telling; that is a personal triumph for you, even if she didn't react the way you hoped. I'm sorry that she didn't give you what you needed. Some people just never change. I know that hurt, and I'm sorry.

I feel the same way about my mother. I don't trust anything sugary that comes out of her mouth because I don't believe she's sincere. It really hurts; has especially lately.

Hope this week's better for you. Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 1:21pm
Hi Heidi,

I've only told the therpaist. There's no way I can tell my mom. I love her too much and I don't want to make her feel like this was her fault. She tried her best for us growing up and it's not her fault. I think chatting with you all and joing a survivor group ( my fisrt session is next week) is helping me cope much better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 5:27pm
slyfox,

I'm glad that you have felt that being here has helped you. I'm also very excited that you are joining a survivor's group. That is fantastic! Is this a non-profit organization, or arranged through a therapist? I'm curious because I have been thinking about joining a group myself in addition to my therapy.

Maybe you will get to the point someday that you COULD tell your mom. It can be done in a way to let her know that you're not blaming her, but that it's something you need to get off your chest. By telling you're not keeping the secret anymore, and that part of your abuser's power over you will be broken. She will understand you better. It's likely that you react to certain things in ways that she doesn't understand, and her knowing what happened to you would help with that. Believe me, I understand the fears involved in telling. I've almost brought it up with her on two separate occasions, and got so nauseous and paralyzed with fear that there was no way I could do it at the time. You don't know what the reaction will be, whether you'll be believed, and you don't want to cause them pain.

I have made the decision to follow my own advice and to tell. I am going to work out in therapy how to confront her with the other aspects of the hurt she has caused me, and I'm going to include the sexual abuse as part of it. If I hadn't been so scared of her and felt safe with her I could have told. But I knew even as a little child that I couldn't. I tested the waters many times and got yelled at, so that pretty much sealed it. I've been thinking about the confrontation for awhile, and even though it feels scary I believe that I need to do it to free myself emotionally. I may throw up the whole time but I'm going to do it.

Congratulations on the positive steps you are taking to heal yourself. I hope your group goes well next week! Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 12:47am
I have a victory! I visited my sister's house on vacation, and she lives in the same area as our father (our abuser). In the past, when I have visited there, I have been very depressed and anxious, and that didn't happen this time. I had energy, I was able to sleep, and I had no panic attacks. Amazing! I also stuck to my food plan for OA, and I'm very happy about that. It was hard, but my sister was great and really helped me. She surprises me with how supportive she is sometimes. It's like--Wow! Someone in MY family can actually be loving? Amazing! :o}

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