I can't believe I'm here (trig?)

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pattimummy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
I can't believe I'm here (trig?)
4
 Thu, 07-10-2003 - 5:20pm
and am able to write.I have always thought what happened to me was not important. After all others had worse experiances,mine was only once(that I know of)

You see Momma was down the street at her hang out,the bar.Daddy was long since dead from the booze.Then there was a knock at the door,I woke,I let HIM in, HE said "It's Ed" (my mother's boyfriend)I let HIM in.HE took me up to my room , HE did things HE had no right to do.If it were not for my brave little Miniature Pincher HE would have had more fun.But brave Beau made HIM go away. I let HIM in.

I have never really dicused this with anyone.

It messed me up?

Momma was at the bar, I never told her, I enabled her to live without the shame of knowing she let me down.She is dead and gone.

I let HIM in...Was that the only time?...

Does anyone care?

I was 7 or 8...

I let HIM in...Please don't leave me alone with this...

I will check back later.

Thank you... Patti

 

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cl_breakinfree
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: pattimummy
I can't believe I'm here (trig?)
 Thu, 07-10-2003 - 11:05pm
I'm glad you found us--welcome to the board! Coming here and writing about your experience is an important step. Even though others may have had what you consider to be worse with this, that doesn't mean that what happened to you doesn't matter.

Don't worry, you are not alone with this. Come back and post often; this is a wonderful place to talk about your feelings, ask questions, and draw from the experiences of others.

It sounds to me like you have more that you want to say besides what you wrote. I hope you'll feel comfortable doing that. What kinds of feelings have you had in connection with this?

Again, welcome. I look forward to getting to know you better.

(((gentle hugs))), Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

cl_free_girl_123
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: pattimummy
I can't believe I'm here (trig?)
 Fri, 07-11-2003 - 12:17am
You are most definitely not alone with this. I think it's also important to remember that it was not your fault that the abuse happened because you opened the door to this man. Opening a door is not an invitation for sexual abuse. The fault is his and his alone. If you look at kids who are that age--would you expect them to be able to protect themselves from an adult who meant them harm? Of course not. Blaming ourselves like this (I did this, too, and many other people here can relate, too) is really harmful. I think letting go of self-blame is one huge step forward in recovery. Please stick around & read our archives. You might also want to check out a book called The Courage to Heal.
pattimummy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
In reply to: pattimummy
I can't believe I'm here (trig?)
 Fri, 07-11-2003 - 7:38am
Thank you Hiedi and Freegirl for responding. I still can't believe I wrote it.

Hiedi, you asked if there was more that I wanted to say...I think I have always felt what happened to me wasn't worth talking about but maybe it's just that I felt like I was not important enough. I have spent the years from the age of 16 to now (I'm 49) raising my kids, My beautiful daugther is the youngest and is on her own so maybe the "little girl" in me needs some of that love and care I've been giving my babies. Do you think that could be it?

I am an All My Children watcher and they are doing a story about Erica's childhood rape. I think that may have something to do with why these feelings I didn't know I have came up.

I think I need to come here to talk about things but I still feel like "it wasn't that bad, what are you whining about?"

I will do some archive reading Freegirl that sounds like a good idea.

I hope you don't mind helping me take care of "little Patti" I guess that is why we are all here... Is that it?

((((hugs)))

Patti

 

cl_breakinfree
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: pattimummy
I can't believe I'm here (trig?)
 Fri, 07-11-2003 - 8:47pm
Patti, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that maybe you felt like YOU weren't important enough. Something I'm learning more and more about through reading and therapy is that children who are abused often feel that way. They are also powerless to do anything about their situations, so they learn to bury and ignore their feelings. Freegirl mentioned positive self-talk to another poster, and I think that we can all use that. Tell yourself that you are important and worth dealing with this part of your life. That little girl deserved the same kind of love and nurturing that you have given your daughter. You weren't unworthy of that; the adults in your life were not taking care of you as they should have. And as far as that feeling of "it wasn't that bad, what are you whining about?" I can relate, since I've had the same feeling and still struggled with it. On remembering various aspects of my childhood and the parenting I received, I realized that those kinds of words were the types of things my parents would say to me. They were always hasty to point out that they had it way worse and I had no business feeling sorry for myself. That plays like a tape in my head whenever I'm sad about something.

The issue they're dealing with on All My Children could certainly be what has triggered your thoughts on this. Maybe that little girl inside of you is jumping up and down, waving frantically at you and saying, "Me too! That happened to me too!"

Little Patti is certainly welcome here! I think there are lots of "Littles" here. Little Heidi is certainly present, and I know if I don't listen to her she gets my attention one way or another, whether through feelings of being sick, rage or whatever.

How many kids do you have? You mentioned that you've been a mommy since the age of 16. That is quite a load! Have had the support of a spouse, or had to do it on your own?

Thank you for sharing more about yourself; I look forward to future posts from you.

Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

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