observation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
observation
4
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 12:43pm
*Triggering, Stay Safe*

Everyone here seems to be in a better place than I am right now. I guess that is hopeful. The pain is tearing me up inside, fighting and clawing to get out. I fight and fight so I don't have to face it, and then it gets out anyway. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be better if I allow it to consume me and then fight my way back. I don't know if I can make it back. At least not in one piece anyway. I am getting so tired and I feel so weak. Why is this emotion consuming me? I am scared; scared of the thoughts going through my head, and afraid of being alone. It is worse when I am alone. HE invades my every waking and sleeping moment. I feel HIS hands on me, and smell the stale beer and cigarettes on HIS breath. It makes me want to vomit. I can't convince myself it is only memories. Sometimes I wish someone would zap me like they did in Men In Black and erase all memories of HIM. I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER ANYMORE!

Katy

~~~~~Katy~~~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: katystears
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 6:01pm
Oh Katy, lots and lots of gentle hugs to you. I very recently (like this last week) was in a similar place and when you are there I know it feels like it will last forever. I don't often post when I am feeling so overwhelmed, and I imagine others aren't so brave and courageous to post when they most need to be listened to either. Just know that you are definitely NOT alone in this. Trust me here...I absolutely have been in some incredibly dark and scary places too. It's part of this journey of self-healing and growth to reexperience the feelings that we were never allowed to in the first place. But it hurts so awfully, it's hard to see that we are growing with the pain. Please don't hurt yourself and reach out as much as you want...You are not alone. I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. Take good care of you...

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: katystears
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 7:01pm
Katy,

Sending lots of gentle hugs out to you! I'm glad you posted. As julikay already said, it is good that you are reaching out while you are in pain. It's so easy to retreat and isolate yourself. Keep posting as much as you need to; there's plenty of space here, and lots of understanding.

I have been to my dark places, too, and I frequently find myself falling back to that point. It's part of the healing, but it hurts. It seems like every time I pull through one of those, get it sorted out and feel okay for awhile, another memory or feeling surfaces and I go through the cycle again. It feels like I'm going backwards at those times, but it's actually that I've become a little bit stronger and my subconscious decides it's okay to let my memory have a little bit more. This last week has been a really awful one for me. I had several days where I felt like I just couldn't go on anymore, I got NO enjoyment out of anything, and I felt like I just wanted to not exist anymore.

Please share more about yourself, and post often! We care!

Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: katystears
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 1:27am
I am sorry I did not introduce myself. My mind is all jumbled up and I don't know what to say really. Obviously I am dealing with SA issues. I guess I am probably at my lowest point right now. Remembering too much too quickly. Can't make it stop. Thank you for responding to my post. What you said about getting through one thing and then it all comes crashing back down makes so much sense. I was okay last week, and now this week I am a mess. I hate it so much. I am stronger than this. I see my therapist tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about that actually. She is really good and can read me like a book. Tomorrow will be hard, and from experience, I will be better for it. But why does it have to hurt so bad in the process? Part of the problem is that my husband left for his 2 week summer camp for the National Guard on Friday. I am at a very hard part in therapy, and the timing is all bad. I don't sleep well when he is gone anyway, and have not had much sleep. I will attempt to write in the my story section sometime soon. Right now it is too raw to do that.

~~~~~Katy~~~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: katystears
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 3:06am
I relate so much to both of your posts. I have felt that way so many times. SO many times. I also know what it's like to have a military dh. Mine has been away since January. The first time he went away for six months, I had my first flashbacks. I also have a hard time sleeping when he's not here--although this time, I've been pretty lucky in that regard. Please know that you're not alone in feeling this way--and even more importantly, it doesn't last forever.