MIA for a couple of days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
MIA for a couple of days
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 12:30pm
I'm going through a real rough patch and it's taking everything out of me; that's why I didn't answer posts yesterday, and I'm not sure how I'll do today. I'm feeling that dark, hopeless feeling that I'm sure a lot of you can relate to. My husband's going through it too (sucks when we do this at the same time), so I'm additionally stressed out from him.

I could use a few hugs and prayers my way, if you can spare them!

It's crazy how you can feel okay one day and then totally awful the next, like you can't go on anymore. Any ideas for coping? Nothing sounds good to me.

I appreciate each one of you. You are each so courageous and I am thankful for the things you have been willing to share here.

Hugs, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 1:12pm
Heidi, I'm sending lots of (((((hugs))))) your way. I don't really have any advice--but I can relate. I wonder if journaling would help you figure out what's at the bottom of these feelings? We'll be here when you feel up to returning! Take good care of yourself. We all care about you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 2:10pm
I'll be sure to keep you in my prayer time tonight Heidi.

So sorry you are having a bad time.It seems so unfair,you have already been through so much in your life.I know this will pass, be thinking of you and sending prayers till your return Dear One.




Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 2:46pm
I know these hick ups along the way. Don't forget, I just went through a nasty one. Would you mind emailing me at gailp@lehman-gates.com? I'd write to you but your email address isn't in your profile.

I will surely give you all the hugs and prayers you need, too. Your gift of compassion for others deserves everything we can off you.



**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 5:21am
Thanks to each of you for your kind words. It really meant a lot to me when I came back and saw I had messages! I have been sleeping a LOT and I feel really guilty over everything I'm not getting done.

****Next part TRIGGERING, about suicide. Don't read if you're not up to it****

Last night was really scary because my husband wanted to kill himself. He didn't act on it and he didn't tell me, but I knew what he was feeling. I was in that really black place, full of despair. My own problems are bad enough but when his kick in it threatens my whole world of security. Besides losing someone I love if he did something, it also threatens my feelings of safety. I was picturing what I would do to support myself and the kids if he did it, and it's a scary thought because I'm a SAHM and haven't worked since my first child was born. Plus I'm not interested in the kids having the baggage of a dad committing suicide. He was upstairs looking through his photo album and looking for a book and I had to leave him alone for awhile. When he came to bed I asked if he was okay, and he said yeah. I told him I wasn't interested in explaining to the kids why Daddy killed himself, and he said that they were one of the main reasons he didn't do anything.

I've had to take knives out of the house before. When we talked this morning, he said the temptation was pills. So next time this mood strikes I'm going to have to take those out, too. He's never tried, but when these times strike it is so black and scary. He is dealing with resurfacing memories and feelings from abuse, as well. Danged if I know how the two of us ended up together. We love each other and understand each other, and we communicate well, but it is such a huge load with both of us going through this. This morning I was thinking, "Is this really my life?" I had no idea we'd be dealing with this fourteen years ago when I married him. He seemed cocky, if anything, when I first met him, and very on top of the world. The last two years have been one big crash.

This all happened after the kids were asleep, and there was no ranting or yelling. I don't think they're aware of what's going on. I worry about what they're going to come back and complain about when they're in their twenties, though. "Why did you sleep so much," etc. My energy is so limited lately and I can only do so much.

Please keep pulling for me; I need every little bit I can get. Thanks gals! Love, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 7:48am
Hi Heidi,

I can definetly relate to that black place, full of despair. And whether you believe this or not, you are a strong woman. It takes alot of strenght to deal with what we do, not mention dealing with someones else's too, (read; our spouses). My husband went through an ordeal also, but he was in his late teens. He deals with hate and vindictaveness.

Im sorry I cant give you much postive feedback, but I can definetly relate to everything you feel, from the guilt to not wanting to do anything but sleep. I thank God everyday that I do have a wonderful husband who doesnt mind shouldering the burden of running a house full of children.

Just keep being the strong woman that we all know you are, & "this too shall pass".

I hope you are feeling better, you are in my prayers.((gentlehugs))



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 12:24pm
I wish I had some kind of advice to make everything all better. I hope it helps to know that I worry the same thing--that my kids will grow up and remember the times I was depressed and withdrawn. Is your dh seeing a therapist? I wonder if some medication might help him? I know that zoloft carried me through that dark emergency phase and helped keep me safe. I took it for a year and a half. I just hate to think of you living in fear like that. I was a sahm for a long time--and only work part time, part of the year now--and I know what that kind of insecurity is like. It's terrifying. I hope you two find some peace about this soon. (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 5:57pm
Thanks again for the added support. I appreciate you both sharing parts of your life with me. It helps to know that other people know what this feels like.

My husband does see a therapist, and he has been on Effexor for a year, plus Adderall XR for ADHD and Trazadone for sleeping. He has been completely off the Effexor for about two or three weeks, tapered off under doctor's supervision. We watched it closely and he seemed to be doing fine, but now that it's completely out of his system I think it's pretty apparent that he needs to go back on it. He has a dr. appointment today.

If I had any thoughts about going off my anti-d, they're gone now! I take anti-anxiety meds on an as-needed basis; haven't taken them for awhile but maybe going back to daily would be a good idea. Geez.

I slept almost the whole day yesterday. My kids were on their own until about 3:30. How awful is that? At least they're old enough to look after themselves, and they came in to ask me if they could go certain places, etc. I feel so guilty, though.

Our therapist went out of town and forgot to tell us, so that was a big disappointment last night. I wanted to have her guide us through making a safety contract. My husband fights me on that tooth and nail, but I just can't stand the feeling of helplessness I have when he goes through this. And he can't stand to give control over to another person when he's in that state. It's not good.

Well, that's my update. Still dog paddling. Thanks again! Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 8:46pm

You have consistently been there for me, I'm so glad you are reaching out so that perhaps I can return the favor a bit. Life seems so difficult for you right now, I'm so sorry you are going through both problems with your husband's depression and yours as well. That is incredibly difficult. And your therapist is out of town...not great timing. Remember therapists leave a phone number of someone else for emergencies and this situation sounds like an emergency to me. You could call the backup therapist for additional support if you'd like to. And maybe your husband's doctor will have some suggestions as well. I wish I could give you more...but those dark dismal places feel bottomless sometimes, don't they? It might help to remember that many of us here understand because we've been there too, and although it feels like it will never pass, it does. Keep posting as much as you can, so that we can support you and that you don't feel alone.