Caught in a trap???

Avatar for jellybean1102
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Caught in a trap???
4
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 12:35am
I dont know how to begin my story. Everything is so long. I'll try to keep this short. When I was young I was molested by a cousin and had some inappropriate things said to me by an uncle. As a teen I was date raped. Fast forward to now... I am 30y/o with two children, and married. My husband is generally a really sweet guy. But lately he has had a shorter temper than ever, so I have begun to analyze our relationship. Maybe too much?! He is very sexually oriented. If I just bend over to empty the dishwasher he rubs "himself" against me. He has repeatedly awakened me in the middle of the night to try to get sex. I think he is mildly addicted to sex. This is really bothering me lately. I see myself as just a nanny, maid, and sex toy. YES! I have tried to talk with him about this. He usually doesnt take me seriously. If he does... he cools off for a couple of weeks and then its back to the same old stuff. Pouting about not getting enough blow jobs! Of course then I start to feel insecure and fat and ugly, so then I want him to like me so I give in. I dont want to be a bitchy wife you know! Why is everything in my life all about pleasing others? When can I please myself? When will I let myself please myself? My once sweet husband doesnt see how this constant enfasys on sex brings me down. The eating disorders are trying to take over my life. This constant fighting with myself is tearing me apart. I want to live for me. What do I do to be a strong person? To be a selfish person? Self centered! It sounds like a bad word but it shouldnt be. Putting yourself in the center of your life. Letting yourself be the main focus of your being. I can type the words. I can say the words. I can believe the words. But how in the world do I live the words?

Shelly 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 12:54pm
I don't have any specific advice about how to deal with the situation with your dh, other than to suggest counseling--either for both of you, or just you by yourself. I'm sure that a counselor could help you communicate with each other better, even if it's only you who goes.

But I can tell you that I, too, have struggled with eating issues, and I have found a solution in overeater's anonymous. I have also found lots of answers about all of those "self" questions you asked there, too. Why not check out this website and see if it might be for you: http://www.oa.org

People in OA suffer from a variety of eating disorders--overeating, bulemia, and anorexia, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 5:18pm
Welcome to the board. You have found a good place to share. I think a lot of people can relate to your feelings.

Does your husband know of the sexual abuse issues you experienced? Those experiences definitely contribute to the feelings you are having, and it's important that he understands what you have been through. I am a big fan of counseling. It has helped our family in more ways than I can list. A good counselor who has experience in helping people with this can help both of you with your communication, and help each of you understand where the other is coming from.

Taking care of ourselves is a tricky thing. I know that for me I have had to put others before myself many, many times, and becoming a wife and mother made that even more pronounced. When we've been through abuse we learn that our needs don't matter. It is possible to reverse that thought process, thought. I am in the process of learning to be good to myself, and it is hard. I have a lot of self-defeating behaviors. I can totally relate to the eating issues. I'm learning that it is not selfish to put caring for myself in the forefront. If I don't take care of me, then I don't have as much to give others. It's hard, though, because I've always lived to please and care for others, so if I'm not knocking myself out on behalf of someone else I feel lost. You certainly don't want to NEGLECT those in your care, but it's important not to ignore your needs, either. As women we need to have *me* times. And husbands need to understand that we need TLC. If I'm pampered by my husband it goes a long way to me wanting to be intimate.

Hope some of this helps. I'm sorry for what you've been through and are continuing to deal with. I hope you'll continue to come here and share.

Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 1:26pm
Well, seems we have LOTS in common, except at no time could i call my other half "sweet". He's the same freakin' way and it's gotten to the point where i think some really bad things on how to make it stop. Geo (other half) has to have "release" everyday pretty much. i made him a deal 3 years ago that if i could get a day off from harrassment every other day, then he could have sex every other day. Well, he still harasses me EVERY DAY but i still have to keep up my end of the bargain. And if he's not harrassing me it's every chick on the tv, can't get through a tv program or usually even a conversation with out sex or sexual inuendo coming into it.

My other half once had an Aunt play doctor with him, he did not recall it till he was older. Perhaps there could be something in your husbands past. When i told all this to my therepist she said that even if i had never told her about Geo's aunt she would have suspected sexual abuse in his life due to his obbsession with it. We also have sattelight tv so pron is accessable 24/7.

And by the way men will never acknwledge anything that might reflect badly on them from my experience, George knows full well about my decade of abuse, makes no difference to him other than how it affects HIM. You are not anylysing too much, probably should have started sooner, i know i should have. Too late now, we have a child together and i'm now totally dependant on him for my and our childs survival.

So my best advice to you is to figure this out sooner than later, belive me it does not get easier. Show him my letter if you want, tell him how much i've grown to hate my other half because i can't say no and he doesn't care how i feel. he knows i don't want to have sex, he does not care as long as he is happy, this might be ok for awhile, but after 3 or more years eventually you will have some very bad thoughts towards him. Good luck, i pray things are not or will not be as bad for you two. If he cares at all go to co-counsselling and start right away. If you still love each other there could be hope but if you keep letting him do things you don't want, the love will die. Good Luck & Stay Safe,

Danielle.
Avatar for jellybean1102
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 8:19pm
Thank you all for your responses. This week feels like it may be better. I took the weekend off from DH. I even took a night off from the kids. I went out with a girl friend and we both had some drinks so I could not get back to my kids at my Mothers house until the next morning. By this morning I missed all of them, DH included. I DO feel like sex tonight, but hopefully I will get the rest of the week off since I'll have my period any moment.

Well, Im going to go call my sister to find out if I'll soon be an Aunt. Wish me luck!!!

Shelly