I AM HERE AND I AM SORRY

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
I AM HERE AND I AM SORRY
5
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 12:54pm
I was found by the police. I had every intention of dying but the police found me first. Kara and I are working on getting things straight in my head. She says I have to much to live for and not to let the bill collectors get to me because they can't do anything because I don't have anything.I see Tammy posted here as I asked her to. She is a sweet girl. If you don't want me posting here because I disappointed you I understand. You are like family and I am sorry if I let you down and disappointed you. Love and Hugs Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 7:36pm
Andrea,

You probably don't know me, but I am glad you are here.

I'm not very good at people things, but could I sit beside you until

things are better. I listen well.

Take care of you and stay with us.

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 7:45pm
Hi Andrea,

I'm glad that you are okay. It took me awhile to figure it all out because I was confused with who Tammy was (I have ADD so that's my big excuse! LOL). I can tell from your post that she and her daughter love you very much. That is such a blessing! I'm glad you have caring people in your life.

Please don't pile extra guilt on yourself over this. We care about you and hope you will continue to post here. It's good to know you are safe. Please don't isolate yourself from here over what happened! Come here and talk any time. I had wondered how you were doing anyway since you hadn't posted a lot lately.

Hope you're feeling better soon. Keep loved ones around you and do whatever you need to to be safe.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 8:56am
Hi Andrea,

It sounds as though you're really in that pit right now. You've been in and out of it before and you can get out again. I can't help but feel your strength when you respond to the needs of others here and on other boards. For instance, here's a post you wrote just last week http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhsuicidesur&msg=2872.2. Those are the wisest and kindest words I've heard. They truly came from your heart. Now, wouldn't those same words apply to you? Wouldn't your abuser win if you take your life?

I was just wondering if you could explain what is precipitating these horrid feelings. I know you had the retirement party so that's probably a lot of it. It sounds as though you are stuck in a flashback. But here's the thing, what is at the core of these feelings? When you went there, how old did you feel? What images did it bring to mind? These are the things that you can share with your T so she can help you process those OLD feelings. That way they're not so hot or raw the next time you face a similar situation.

I had a similar episode not too long ago. My debt was crushing me. I saw no other way out but to kill myself. However, as I searched, I discovered I was stuck in a flashback. The relentless and crushing debt triggered the times when my abusers crushed me and believe me, it was relentless. I felt the same hopelessness and the same wish for death I felt back then. Once I was able to find the roots then I was able to see the difference between then and now. It gave me just enough distance to get through that horrible time.

I know you said you and your T don't want to deal with the abuse while you're suffering these suicidal feelings but I think it might be time to start. These feelings have roots in the past. Not dealing with these roots doesn't seem to be making the suicidal thoughts go away. You have survived the worst. Recanting these memories and bringing up the feelings that are haunting you totally sucks, I know. But they are just memories. Keeping these feelings inside is only eating you up and helping your abuser win.

I hope you can offer yourself the same gentle wisdom you offer to others. You CAN get out of this. Please, trust your T and trust yourself.

**gentle hugs**

Gail

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 11:51am
I understand how you are feeling now, I am going through the same thing myself. I don't know if you have children or how you can apply this to yourself, but the thing that keeps me from suicide is that my son needs me. If I were to die, my abuser would be left with him, and he would certainly be abused as well. As for the bill collectors, I don't even answer the phone. I got a cell phone and only give the number to important people, and it has caller id. Maybe there is a legal aide society in your area that can help you for free. Mine helped me get a restraining order against my abuser and they will help me with filing chapter 7, but not until i get served with a lawsuit. Please take care of youself and you will see that things can eventually get better. Maybe you can do some volunteer work or go back to school. I got a Pell Grant and going back to school is hopefully going to make me feel like I still can do something to make the world better. Are you in counseling? I know it won't solve problems, but counseling helps you get in the state of mind so that you can solve your own problems. Please try to remember that there is another way out, even if you can't see it yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:19am
Hey Andrea,

Just checking to see how you're doing, since we haven't heard from you in a while. Hope things have evened out for you a bit! Let us know how you're doing.

Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board