QOTW: What are you working on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
QOTW: What are you working on?
4
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:53am
Before the movers come tomorrow to pack up my computer, I thought I'd ask a QOTW. (There are boxes all around me right now, and most of my furniture is on the truck. I'm holding the computer out for last! LOL)

Which SA issue are you most focused on working on right now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:57am
I'll answer, since everyone in my house is asleep and the movers won't be here for another hour and a half. :o} Alone time is at a premium around here, I tell ya!

Right now, I am working hardest on not compulsively overeating, which is a definite SA issue for me. It's hard when my routine is interrupted. I keep getting these feelings like, "There won't be enough food!" And I mean ever, in the entire world. LOL I think I really need to connect with the inner child who is holding onto that belief so strongly. But I am working my OA program as best as I can, asking my HP (higher power) for help, reading the literature, and I'll be attending a meeting this weekend. I think I should add a phone call in there, too, now that I'm thinking about it. (All of these things are considered "tools" of the OA program, in case anyone was wondering.) It's hard to keep my abstinence with all of this moving chaos.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 7:11pm
You know in trying to answer this question i guess it shows just how overwhelmed i really am; my mind went blank. Not that it doesn't occasionally do that anyways, lol, but seriously it's hard to say one definate thing. What i'm fighting with most right now is trying to get adequately educated help. A GP and a therepist is just not helping a whole lot. Nothing has gotten any better since therepy, i'm just more detached. I'm awaiting a refferal to Mental Health but i have no idea if it's been sent out, how long it takes or even when, how or if they will contact me. My family doctor does not have enough time or expertise to be of much help.

Fear,anxiety and generally being isolated though certainly keeps me from doing most things. Even calling to check on these things. I know nobody really wants to hear about it. My doctors shown that. Everytime i try to talk to someone about it they show me they don't really want to hear it. My therepist of course but truly i need more than that. Besides she's been on vacation for the last while (or having her baby?) so it's not like she doesn't have a life of her own.

I don't know what my biggest problem is right now, they all seem insurmountable. Perhaps someone can shed light from this ramble because it all swims in my head.

Safe Days All,

Danielle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:50am
When I read the question, my mind was flooded with thoughts. I have not been posting, (but I have been reading!) because I have been overwhelmed with "stuff". If I had to point out one thing that I am working on, it would have to be learning how to nurture and allowing myself to cry. That is two things isn't it? Crying can be nurturing I guess. Anyway, I have a terrible time when it comes to taking time for me. I give and give, and can't seem to give to myself. I beat myself up so much, and then I begin to feel guilty for being so hard on myself. I can't seem to break the cycle of self defeat. It was so ingrained in me as a child that I didn't deserve alot of things, so therefor, I don't feel that I deserve alot now. I know intellectually that those thoughts are not true, but I don't feel it. I hate the head vs heart thing. I feel that I am an intelligent woman, yet I can't take the head thoughts and make the heart feel them. Constant struggle between the head and heart. When I do take time for myself, I feel guilty because of the time away from my family, and also because if whatever I am doing costs money, I feel like I am taking away from my family financially. My dh is constantly telling me to do something for myself. When I try to think of something to do for myself, I come up blank. I can't think of anything I would like to do. I put so much time and energy into my dd that I then don't have any time or energy left for me. Maybe that is an unconscious thing I do so that I don't feel that head and heart struggle when it comes to me? Who knows!

I also have a really hard time crying, especially in front of people. My dad(who abused me), didn't tolerate crying. Crying invoked anger in him, and anger scares me to death. I saw so much anger from my mom, and occassionally from my dad, that I do not allow myself to feel much anger. When I get angry, I want to cry. If people are around, I swallow the anger and tears. I know from experience, that letting go makes me feel so much better afterward, yet I can't do it. I have lots of trouble in my T's office because alot of what we talk about makes me want to cry, but I can't in front of her. I swallow and swallow, trying to make it go away. She knows this, and tries to encourage me to just allow myself to feel it, but it just doesn't happen. She has began to turn around in her chair when she sees that I am getting overwhelmed, and I have been able to let the tears out that way. I don't understand the whole thing, but I get so mad at myself because it seems like such an easy thing to do, to just cry. Yet, I can't do it.

Those are a few of the things I am working on, at least the easiest to talk about.

Katy

~~~~~Katy~~~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 12:31am
Having just come out of major depression and crisis with my husband, I'm now realizing how much I self-sabotage when I'm "down." My exercise and eating go to pot. I think I do this unconsciously because I don't feel worthy of taking care of myself. A lot of it is bad habits I've developed over the years to cope with pain or stress, but now I have a lot of weight to lose. I've just realized that every time I get any kind of continuity going on eating and exercising, I sabotage myself. And if I'm in that "black hole" it's just survival and I definitely don't take care of myself. Those are the times I should be most consciencious about being good to me.

So I guess I'm working on not doing that. I'm starting, yet again, to watch my eating and to exercise, and once I build up the continuity I'm going to have to make a concentrated effort to push past that tendency to go back to self-defeating behaviors. And I need to be watchful for the next "down" time and be determined to care for myself through that time. Any suggestions? This is a real biggie for me.

I think with SA recovery we're always working on something. It seems that when I figure something out then it's time to discover something else that needs to be addressed. Ouch.

Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board