Working On Keeping Myself Alive

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Working On Keeping Myself Alive
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 10:41pm
I am trying so hard not to kil myself. The more I work on the SA the more I want to kill myself. I hate myself and don't think I am worth fighting for. Love and Hugs Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:06pm
I have to disagree, you are worth fighting for. i had just written a post and lost it (why does this seem all too common?) so i'll just rewrite the important part.

I'm here if you want to talk, my email is on my profile under where I live. If you have an MSN account we can instant message, they are free if you do not you just have to register for one. Please let me know you are ok. I understand and would like to see you through this patch. Safe Days & Good Luck,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 12:20am
Hi Andrea,

You ARE worth fighting for. SA recovery is hard work, and it takes a lot of courage to be willing to deal with the feelings that so many would rather keep buried and not acknowledge.

Is your counselor on her maternity leave yet? I mentioned this before on another thread where you mentioned that she would be out for a while, but I'll ask again: Do you have a safety plan in place for while she is gone? Is she open to your calling her in an emergency, or does she have an associate you can see while she is on vacation? Do you have family members (such as your niece who posted here when you were gone) who can be a part of your safety plan?

Please know that we care about you here. Be sure and check in with us often so that we know you are okay. Talk as much as you need to; think out loud or do whatever you need to to express yourself.

In the meantime, are there some things you've identified that you can get some enjoyment from to get through those rough patches? Like reading a good novel, a bubble bath, listening to some favorite music, watching favorite movies? I find that when I go through those really awful patches, I love to watch comedy movies that are kind of crude. It just makes me laugh, and because of my religious upbringing makes me feel a little rebellious, which also feels good in a strange sort of way. Defiance, I guess. ;o) Maybe you could make a list of these types of things and keep the list handy to refer to when you're feeling really awful.

Keep hanging in there, hon. I know you have the strength in you to get through this.

Love, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:31pm
hi andrea

how am i going to cope if u go, because

u now i only u as a freind, i hope u got

my email, i hope it did not upset u, i am

sooo upset if u goo, i will blame myself,

i thought i was here to help u but u dont

want to email me.

most people hate themselfs, i do and u now

why, my mum came to see me wednesday about

8-30pm and by thursday about 2-30pm she had

gone home and i had seen her for 2 hours, i was

so upset i thought she did not want me i felt

that even my mum did not want me, if my mum did

not want me then no one would want me, even u.

if u are not worth fighting for how is, then

i am not worth fighting for then.

i am worth fighting for and so are u, i am

here to help u if u give me the chance,

i wish i live nearer to u.

what does hubby think of u wanting to kill

your self,i bet he selfes the same as jim

very sad and upset.

dont take any notes of your mum, your hubby

is your family now.

your best freind


ps hope i did not go over

the top, if i did sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 1:04pm
So much wisdom has already been offered here. I just wanted to post my support. I agree 100% that you need back-up therapy support right now. If your regular T. is unavailable, then who is covering for her? You don't have to be alone through all of this.

One other thing I was thinking as I read your post was that it's so awful how this abuse makes us hate ourselves. Someone posted above that she thought it was because we felt that if our own parents couldn't love us, we must be unlovable. I think that was such a great insight. That's why I think that inner child work is so important in healing. We do learn these wrong-headed lessons when we are kids, and I think our task in healing is to take these lessons and re-teach them to ourselves, but this time the right way. This time, the inner child needs to hear that the parent was broken in this case, not the child. That the child was loveable. I think that it can really help to look at photos of ourselves at younger ages, or even to look at young children playing. That really helped me see the innocence and to put the blame and anger in its proper place.

Do you think this is what you're struggling with--misplaced anger, blame, and possibly shame? I hear in your posts something I think I recognize--a feeling of being overwhelmed by the pain. For me, that was a mixture of things. It was fear of proceeding with the healing. I had lived a lie for so long, I was afraid not to live it anymore. That was because I was holding all of the responsibility for keeping my family together. If I told, the family would break apart. Well, I did tell, and the family did break apart, but I was not wrong for telling. He was wrong for abusing me and my sister. The family broke apart because of what he did, not because I told. It was hard to get through that part, but as I lived each day and saw the new possibilities for my life, after the truth was out, then the suicidal feelings gradually lifted. I just had to trust that there was something on the other side of that tunnel. It was terrifying, but there was something on the other side of that tunnel--a life of my own and peace and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 5:02pm
I had a very loving family. My abuse was at the hands of a counselor. Nonetheless, I hate myself. I am still here and yes Kara does have a replacement for when she is gone. I have seen her replacement before when she was on her honeymoon so I am comfortable with him, My self injury behavior is increasing. I told Kara it is my way of destroying myself. Love and Hugs Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:17pm
hi andrea

i dont think u want to destry your self

but u have to get all the anger and madness

out of your stistum, that how i do it.

thanks for my email, i will not worry

if u are away for a phew day.