Heidi, anyone-poss Trig.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Heidi, anyone-poss Trig.
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 7:59pm
Oh things are just so crappy! And it seems like they are just getting worse. The visit with my parents went just fine which makes it all the worse but coming on here today made me start thinking and now i'm worried even more.

About the masterbation stuff, what you all were saying made me remember my nephew. I babysat him for a short while the brief period i moved back to where my parents are. My nephew was 4 then and he is my oldest s/sisters' son. he was very much into masterbating, when i walked by his bedroom i thought he might hurt himself he was so "vigorous" about it. I mentioned this to my sister as all he seemed to want to do was stay n the bedroom naked um, with himself. She said that she'd talked to the doctor and it was normal. Now i don't know. My father has always been around my nephew, pretty much the father he does not have. makes me sick to think. Oh Lord above, please let it be nothing. I filed my statement i have not heard if they will lay formal charges. I have not heard anything other than that it was transferred to kamloops as that's where the crime took place.

They might know already, for some stupid reason i left some childhood sexual abuse booklets lying around while they were here. I couldn't make myself clean till 3 hours before they were supposed to be here. Then everything is just fine, oh yeah they are always so understanding. F*cking joke. It's not fair. How dare they be nice and act like they are good parents? Makes me feel like i'm wrong to want to try and get better. I feel like i should just forget it all now. But it's with me every morning i wake up, every day i struggle through and every night i go to bed. They say they miss me, whatever. But i can't miss people i see everyday of my life; in my head or not.

I can't do this by myself and there's nobody to help; what do i do. Everything is falling apart around me. No money either, rent is due, gas is cut off, electricity will be calling food is scarce and there's no money for any of it. Meanwhile my parents went home to their custom built house and their city and government jobs, cozy. Every year seems to bring them more joy in there life and every year mine seems to get less worth living. I'm so sick of all of this. And i feel like i should be greatful for what i do have, i feel guilty for wanting more. I'm very tired of all of this every little bit of it. Tired of rambling too. If you've wasted your time reading this till the end thanks for your time.

Safe Days,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 5:17pm
Dearest Danielle,

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope my "roses" thread didn't make it worse:o(

I know what you mean about feeling worse when your parents are nice. I often feel the same way; it's like I'm poised for a confrontation and prepared with what to do if thus-and-such happens, and then when I don't need any of it I almost feel like it's all in my head. I've also felt like I should just toss addressing it and act like nothing happened. But what happened to you and me was real, and we deserve the healing. Our parents pretending everything is fine is their way of trying to not feel bad about themselves. It's hypocritical and it's a lie, and no matter how they pretend it doesn't change the truth. You and I both deserve to acknowledge truth, even if only to ourselves, and to heal, even though it is a painful process.

About your nephew, as scary as it is to you to think what may have happened, try not to shoulder responsibility for that. You brought it to his mother's attention and she was already aware of it. If you feel like it may be an indication of abuse, perhaps you could call her and tell her what you've heard here on the board regarding that behavior, and given your father's history you wanted to make her aware of it. But that is where your responsibility ends; from there it is up to her to take action. You have so much you are dealing with in just taking care of yourself and your son, not only physically but with your recovery work, that you can't afford to take on the emotional burden of worrying about other family members. You've taken steps to warn everyone in your family that you can, and the rest is up to them.

Can you check with Community Action (or something similar) where you live to see about help with rent, food, etc? If your parents say they care so much and miss you, could you call and ask them for help? Or do you feel like that would transfer too much power over to them? I can't remember your situation job/money-wise; would you be okay with telling me more details?

Being grateful for what we do have can be a way to keep things in perspective, but sometimes it's too difficult to think of things to be grateful for. Especially when things are so hard. So go easy on yourself and don't pile extra guilt by doing the "should" self-talk. My therapist told me that I have a lot of "shoulds" that I need to let go of.

Sorry it took me awhile to answer; I've been off board for a couple of days. I hope things start going better.

(((((((gentle hugs))))))))

Love, Heidi


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