I am new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
I am new here
4
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:45pm
I am new to this board but have been part of other boards on Ivillage just stumbled on this one today.

I am also a survivor of sexual abuse I have only for a very short time gotten counseling for it I wasn't comfortable enough to talk to a counselor about it. I have a lot of communication problems because of it and low self esteem. I don't think about it anymore but I know it effects my life now. I blame my mother for most of it and I haven't learned to forgive anyone for it except myself because I know as I always knew it was never my fault. I didn't forget any of it I can remember it all vividly even though it all started happening when I was almost 3. It didn't happen just to me but my 3 baby brothers also and I have watched them go through a lot attempted suicides, anger, divorces, choosing not to deal with anything negative, etc... Fortunately none of them went on to commit the same acts that were perpetrated on them. I suffered the worst of it because I was the only girl and the oldest and the strong one in the family strong but also most vulnerable. I did what needed to be done to protect my brothers and to help provide for them. I had a daughter when I was 17 and to protect her from the same kind of abuse I stayed in a relationship that was mentally abusive for me but the person I stayed with I trusted to never harm my daughter. Ok now I am married to a really great guy and I have so many things I want to talk to my husband about not concerning the abuse but husband and wife things and I cant speak the words that I hold in mind or heart. I also have sexual problems and I can't even talk sex with my husband unless he ask me the questions and even then I am somewhat vague when I answer him. I hate living this way and I know I would have a stronger marriage if I could only get the words in my mind and heart out of my mouth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: jstnfun37
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 2:09pm
Welcome, sorry to hear what you went through. I can relate, my abuse started around 2 or 3 as well. If my father ever abused someone else i don't know about it, i stopped him once though. I worry about now and then; i have 2 step-sisters and now he has 2 grandkids with another on the way.

Anyways, it too affects my life daily and while i've never forgotten, in trying therepy again it's not clear anymore how much i remember. Funny because i could draw you a picture of the fourplex i lived in when the abuse started. I can remember some things so clear like it was a movie i seen yesterday.

Do you have trouble feeling things? I feel bad and angry most always but it's like what happened happened to some other little girl and her memories are stuck in my head. That would suit my parents just fine. My father and my step-mother still live together. Anyways, i just wanted to say hi and welcome. There's a few other similarities between us but i've rambled enough for now. Take care and good luck on your journey. Wishing You Safe Days,

Danielle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
In reply to: jstnfun37
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 3:14pm
Hi and Thank You,

Yeah it is all like a movie and sometimes I wonder if I have feelings about things or if I just have trouble expressing the feelings I hold inside. I haven't a clue. I am beyond anger but I do steer clear of my mother as much as I can. Fortunately it wasn't my dad who did this to me it was a lot of men my mom chose to have in her life, babysitters, neighbors that I hung out with because my brothers and I were hungry.

I always wonder about my ability to feel, in the past 3 years I was a victim of 2 seperate bank robberies one being a take over roobery like in the movies with the exception that no one was shot and one where I was personally robbed with a note and a quick peek at a gun; they didn't scare me at all. And I was made to talk to a counselor both times and one counselor told me your going to break down maybe not today but maybe 6 months from now blah blah blah... I suppose I should have been scared but I figured hey no one was shot or hurt, no one was kidnapped so were ok.

At my wedding my husband cried and even though I was happy I wasn't emotional. I can't feel over joyment, I am not moved by emotions at all except when I witness birth or an animal being rescued or for the first time I felt an emotion when I watched my daughter graduate from high school that made me cry.

Ok now I am rambling you take care also and good luck to you also.

Destiny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: jstnfun37
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 5:34pm
Hi Destiny, and welcome.

I read both your introductory post and your response to Danielle. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us! Being on the board here has helped me a lot with having a place to express myself, as well as learning from the experiences of others. We have a wide spectrum of experiences here; from just starting the healing journey to many different places along the way!

You have really shouldered a lot of responsibility for your brothers' well-being; it sounds like you assumed a parental role. It could be that because you felt it was up to you to make sure that everyone was okay, you learned to put your needs last. You mentioned inability to feel, and it very well could be that you have done a great job of burying your emotions just for survival.

You mentioned counseling for a short time; are you still going? If not, I really believe that it is important, and it's important for you to tell what happened to you. If it's too hard to say it, you can write it or print off your posts from here and have your counselor read. If he/she doesn't know what happened to you, they can't give you the help and direction that you need. I'm in counseling myself; I went for a year and a half before deciding to address the sexual issues. Since I have I have made so much progress. Telling means you're not keeping it a secret anymore, and that gives you more personal power.

It sounds like you have a very wonderful husband. Trust him enough to let him in on this part of you. Having him attend some of your counseling sessions would be a good idea, since this does affect your relationship. If he doesn't know what happened to you, maybe you could have him read your posts? I'm sure he would want to be a support to you and help you get through this.

Please feel free to share more about yourself; I hope to see you more and get to know you better. Hugs, Heidi

Heidi

co-cl, Adults with ADD/ADHD Board &

  &nbsp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
In reply to: jstnfun37
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 6:39pm
Thank You Heidi,

I tried counseling way back when and I couldn't talk at all. I didn't feel comfortable with the counselor because she was a she. I wasn't sexually abused by women with the exception of one time when I was 2 it was a husband and wife (babysitters). For some reason I don't feel safe around women, I don't like women doctors I don't like women nurse practioners and I don't know why. My dad was my sanctuary, he was the only one I trusted around me or my daughter. My dad died in 98 and I lost my sanctuary I could never tell him what happened to me but I always felt safe with him.

I don't know why I clam up when I really want to talk about things I don't want to write my feelings anymore I have hidden behind paper for too long. The problem is now that I don't write anymore no one knows whats going on in my head or my heart. As far as counseling goes I am sure I need it, but who can afford it, and why do we have to pay for the damage that someone else inflicted on me? My husband makes too much money for us to get discounted counseling but not enough to pay for it. We get Insurance but it doesn't cover enough counseling and I once broke down when I was low income and went to mental health to try and get free counseling unfortnately since I wasn't suicidal and had never been suicidal I was turned down. So I went to Luthern Social Services and I got the woman. She didn't help me at all and I felt so uncomfortable around her the whole time and I didn't know how to ask them to set me up with someone else because I was a chicken. So I quit going.

I have no problem telling what happened to me well I can put it on paper. I remember all 14 of my abusers and I remember all of the details. I am just so gone in the emotion department. I still have the need to take care of the world and I would do it if my husband would let me. I don't know how to take care of me. Nothing phases me, I don't know what it would take to shock me I don't know what it would take for me to feel anything emotionally.

It is so frustrating....