I am not sure what I feel
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|Thu, 08-21-2003 - 3:47pm|
My problem is I think I feel emotions but I don't know how to express them and sometimes I think I just don't feel at all. I have never felt like emotionally I have been in my life ever. I have always felt like I am just watching someone elses life go by while I wait for mine to finally start. I hardly laugh, I don't get angry, I don't get overjoyed, my ex called me a "Robot". When someone ask me what I feel I can't tell them how I feel because I am not sure if I am feeling anything. I depend on others to tell me how I am feeling. I have been through a lot of emotional events but I didn't feel anything when I went through them good or bad. Sometimes I cry out of frustration but that is it.
Part of it I blame my mother for, she would beat me for everything my brothers did wrong and tell me not to cry or she would give me a reason to cry. Another thing is when I did talk no one would listen if it was to my mother like an example: We never had enough food to eat when I was a kid and I would cry to my mother I was hungry and next thing you know I was being back handed for it.
My mother today tells me I was the strong one that held her family together so she had to give my brothers all of the attention because they weren't strong like me. I always got the brunt of all her anger, I had to go through a lot to protect my brothers, I suffered the worst. I grew up with no friends and to this day I still don't have friends because I don't even know how to have a normal conversation with people. I am so messed up and worst of all I don't even know if I feel emotions or if I just don't know how to show them.