female abuser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
female abuser?
5
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 6:10pm
Since I have found this board and have read some of the stories, I have been wondering how common (or uncommon) it is to have been abused by a female rather than a male? I feel kind of like the Lone Ranger in that my abuser was female - it is almost like people think it is less serious than if a man or boy abuses a young girl. For a long time I never even thought of what happened to me as abuse, but it clearly has wrought havoc in my life and my sexuality. I have various fears and phobias that I think stem from it. Worse yet, what was done to me was done under the guise of medical treatment - therefore it was (not in my mind, anyway) excusable. It was veiled abuse. How common is it for a woman to abuse a female child? you never hear about that on the evening news - I really feel alone in it sometimes. can anyone relate?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: schrecken
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 7:01pm
Hi schrecken,

It is more common to hear stories about male abusers, but it happens at the hands of females too, as you know. We don't hear as much about the female abusers. Just recently on the board, last week I think, a mom wrote in about her son being violated by his stepbrother who was raped by his mom. Can't remember the exact thread, but you don't have to go back very far to find it. There have also been other people who have referred to it, but those people haven't been regulars.

Although we all vary to different degrees on who our perpetrators were and the extent of the violations, we all have the aftereffects in common. That too, varies. Although you are feeling alone in regards to the fact that your abuser was your mother, I hope that you will still feel that what is shared here has validity for you. And feel free to express your feelings about what your mother did to you; you have a lot of insight to offer, I'm sure. I hope that you feel that this is a place where you belong and have acceptance.

In a way I think a mother being the sexual abuser is more horrifying. Mothers give birth to their babies and we think of them being the one constant we have. It's always devastating when this happens, but when it's a family member it's the ultimate betrayal. And I think that for me, at least, having it be your mother would be as bad as it could get. Do you feel this way?

I have some dim memories of my mom touching and talking about my privates when I was really little, but I always shake my head when the images come, think "There is no way" and chalk it up to being in my head. There was a lot of "pee-pee" talk in my family, and I've always figured that was just labeling body parts. And it may be that the memory of her saying "this is your. . ." melds in with what happened at the babysitter's house. I don't know. There may be something to it, but that is absolutely something I can't acknowledge as being truth if it did happen. Maybe further along the line. So I think you have great courage to face what your mother did to you honestly.

By the way, I checked out the artwork on your site when you posted it a couple of weeks ago, and wanted to tell you that you have amazing talent! Some of it I couldn't look at (the horror-type stuff you referred to), but you tapped into those emotions really effectively and honestly. I can see where that is a great outlet for you! The quality of your artwork is absolutely incredible. What training have you had? I've always wished I could draw or paint like that!

Hope to hear more from you! Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: schrecken
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 8:32pm
Heidi, thanks for your compliments on my art work. I am a grad of the Maryland Institute College of Art, and I have computer training in graphic design on top of that. I do have to be careful not to scare people with my stronger art work, so hence the warnings.

I think I left an omission in my original post - the family member I referred to was my grandmother, but still close. She passed away a couple years ago but the aftermath still lingers. I'll have to check out some of the past posts on this board, I have only been reading for a couple weeks or so.

Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: schrecken
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 3:29pm
Shrecken, i'm not in a very good place today bt i wanted to drop you a short note. Tilte caught my eye. Now my abuser was a male but i wanted you to know that there certainly are plenty of female abusers out there. I talk to a young girl in the states as a matter of fact who's abuser was her mother. On top of that not too long ago in Alberta Can. a mother was not only charged but found guilty in a court of law for abusing her kids. So you are not as alone as you think hun, i want you to know that. Safe Days,

Danielle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: schrecken
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 11:14am
Please don't feel alone. My closest friend was sexually abused by her mother for almost her entire life- and for about six years it was rape. She has been haivng the same emotions as you- it was disguised as love and the attention that she rarely got, and even though it hurt her, she accepted it has her payment for wanting attention. It has just been within the past six months where she has revealed much about what went on, and she to is confused about her sexuality and identity. Like you, she has a lot of phobias and anxiety. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone- and I hope that you are getting the help you need. From experiene I can tell you that it is not okay just to try and deal with it yourself. Good luck.

Kara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: schrecken
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 9:29pm
Hi Lee,

I'm new here. I wanted to tell you that no matter who it was you will always feel love and support from me and I know as well as others here as I can read. For which I know you know that already.

I'm sure its more popular than you think. You know its always men that get caught. People can't phathom the thought of someone abusing a child to begin with less likely the childs mother or grandmother. I hope you can one day find what you're looking for in life. Confusion is a tricky thing. Good luck and hang in there.

By the way, would you post your web site so I can see your art? I would love to check it out.

Thanks sweety,

Ariche