TRIGGER-big fight-Vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
TRIGGER-big fight-Vent
12
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 3:21pm
sick of this. these fight s are less but worse. he spat on me. i slapped him across the face. he was going to hit me after that but he managed to stop. thought he was going to that time. he was going to take my boy. said he'd bring him back but i'll never trust him. even in the best of moods he can't handle our son. he says i need a shrink; well at least I CAN ADMIT IT! sick of him and sick of having no options. now i'm supposed to pretend it never happened and go back to our usual miserable way of life? like i have a choice. unless i want to give up my child because living on the streets is not going to be a step up. not like we've got food to feed him here. or hot water or heat. and the cold weather is moving in quick up here. just pathetic this life i've provided for my child. we rely on a criminal to support us. this is just bad and i'm sick of it. nothing to do untill i can keep a job though.

sorry any of you had to read this. my pathetic little useless vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 4:16pm
Danielle,

I'm sorry to hear about this. I was wondering if you could clarify a couple of things. Is the criminal you referred to your husband, or someone else? And why would your husband have the right to take your son? I was also wondering what the circumstances are with your not being able to have a job (forgive me if you've told this already; my memory gets away from me sometimes). Was the fight over him taking your son and leaving?

You DO have options. Call the Women and Children's Shelter; they can provide you with a safe, warm place to stay and food to eat, as well as various resources for helping you get on your feet and moving up. Locations are kept confidential so that your husband would not be able to find where you are staying.

Please check in here regularly and let us know how you are doing. We care.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 7:06pm
Danielle,

We all have options and opportunities. I chose to make a better life for myself and my daughter even if it meant making some hard sacrifices including leaving. I have been there done that so to speak and even when I didn't see a way out I made a way out. I found options for myself and I didn't have to look hard. There is a lot you can do; I made it. I got a job with no skills no college education and I provided for my daughter I got myself out of a bad relationship when the time was right fortunately I was never hit or I would have left sooner. Heck I am 37 and I just learned to drive and got my drivers license 2 years ago. I was desperate to get out and I knew the only way to leave was to get a drivers license and move to a new city, state or what have you. And I did it, I got my license drove for a while used the internet to look up new places to live and one day I packed up what I could in my car and drove away. Now I am married happily I might add to a wonderful man I have a job interview next week with a big company that pays way more then I ever made and the opportunity looks promising (meaning I think I already have the job). I got my s**t together and left. I left all I owned new and old with the exception of my photographs and I didn't look back.

I didn't think I could do it for years I lacked self esteem and then one day I said hey you know what I will get this b**t**d to teach me to drive and then I can leave ( whatever motivates you ) and here I am. As soon as I got in my car all loaded up I felt relief like I never felt before never mind that it smoked (my car) and it only could go 50mph tops on the highways and I wasn't even sure if I would get where I was going but I left. My ex tried to talk me into coming back often and I said no even though he almost had me once. Don't ever think you can't make your life work for you because only you can no one else can do it for you but there are resources out there USE THEM!!!

Take your son and go make a life for yourself where ever just go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 6:34pm
See here is the problem, i have NEVER kept a job longer than 8 months. Do you really think that would be a good thing for my son? It would be a matter of time before we are back on welfare (if i would ever be able to get completley off) and they've changed the rules up here now max 3 years in a 6 year period. I've already exausted my time.

For what ever reason; i'm waiting for mental health to see me, i have some serious personality issues which have kept me pretty much alone since i left high school. It has interfered in any thing that requires me to interact with people. The only time i have ever made much money is when i was stripping and who's gonna take care of my son? I don not know a babysitter and i will NOT EVER trust my child with a stranger.

Esentially i am an adult child; incapapble of sustaining my own security for any real length of time. Till i get that taken care of it would be suicide to leave. Why jump in a river if u don't know how to swim. I've spent enough years drowning and i'm hrdly ganna take my son down with me till i know how to swim.

So easy to say just go. Do you really think uprooting children from all they know is better. A once every 2 months fight is less stress then leaving everything he knows and losing all his family.

It was partly my fault anyways, goes back to the list of my problems. I woke up from a bad dream about him which triggered me greatly and would not let go. I made the dream reality. After thinking about it all day yesterday i have to wonder how uch actually could have been my fault do to the dream i could not shake. PTSD or Borderline Personality disorder may not be far off the mark. Living with me is not easy; i know this for a fact.

I'm not saying that he was right or whatever but I KNOW what he is like and i press his buttons anyways. He is to blame but not all. That would be unfair, he's dealt with his own abuse growing up; sexual, physical and mental. He doesn't know he needs help. At leaast i know i do, i'm better off then him because i plan to get it. Feel sorry for him not me. George is probably one of the ones who could be helped if he had some one to make him understand, but i'm not that strong or healthy yet. He loves me and our son is equally our life. I just don't understand why women think they have the right to walk with the kids all the time. Do you know a child with a single parent is instantly 4 times more likely to be sexually abused, or become a criminal? Now i'm not saying this is always the case but it could be for a parent like me who is not ready or capable of caring (emotionally AND financially) for their kids. I want to improve his life for the better, not worse. And if i left now it would only be worse. I don't plan on sticking around forever but i'm not stupid either; i need to be able to PROVIDE for my child before i take him out of here. And even then i will never take him away from his father. he's never done anything to hurt him and loves him more than his own life just as i do. I have no more right to take him from him then he does from me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 6:50pm
Thanks hun for the concern. I'm afraid though that it WAS just a vent and i was a little unfair to george. See i was thinking about it and george and i, well we are like fire and dynamite when it comes to our tempers. One always sets the other off. Yesterday morning i woke up from a very disturbing dream and it happened to be focaused around george. It was very triggering and i could not shake it. Very likely it could have fueled the fire if you know what i mean. And george spat on me after i was threatening to take Kierdan. By the way he said he only wanted to take him to his mothers house-away from the fight. I just don't trust him though, then again there's nobody i do trust so....

Then there is the fact that till i am diagnosed by a shrink and learn what my problems really are it's hard to judge who's right or wrong. if u really want honesty i was as bad in the fight as he was (well not quite) but i DID hit him and that's always wrong.

I'm well aware of the Womens Shelters but i do not see that as being better for my son. George may not be very good husband material but he loves our son as much as i do. You need to remember that george probably needs as much help as i do. He's had his own share of growing up with abuse. This is less of an abusive relationship and more like a co-victim relationship. I would never consider keeping his son from him; only if i wanted to see him end his life. We both feel the same way: without our son we have no reason. Do i take his reason for being from him? Or give up mine? I choose neither.

Safe Days All,

Danielle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 7:27pm
Danielle,

Ok listen, I put myself through the same thing you did with my ex. I put up with a person who I trusted and loved my daughter. The fights weren't bad at first either and I made excuses for them also and blamed myself for all of them. Yes excuses I basically wasted 16 years of my life with this person, and even though my daughter made through her whole childhood with no abuse she witnessed me go through emotional abuse. I almost lost my daughter at one point she moved out at 15 because she couldn't stand to see me go through the fights. My daughter today is 19 and last year she came to where I lived help me pack my car up and move away, she also called a guy I had met a couple years before and told him I was moving back into town. I had almost blew my chances with this guy by moving back to my ex but guess what were married now and he is good to me he says nothing but positive things to me everyday.

I thought the same about my ex understanding what I went through but my ex never did and played on that to hurt me even more. I also used my past as an excuse for my behavior but I learned that I am an adult now and I have control over my life. Quit waiting for help look for it. I went to Luthern Social Services here in the states and I bet there has to be something quicker where you live. Use your resources you obviously have a computer use it, go to a church and talk to someone there. And when you get another job do your best at it, communicate with your employer

ask if there is something you need to do to improve your job skills and apply yourself at it.

I have been offered a job at a company that will pay me more then enough to help my hubby out with the finances. I didn't finish college or high school. I just asked at my jobs for any training they might offer I asked what can I do to be of more use in my employment and I learned about other opportunities in my jobs and asked how can I do that what do I need to learn to do that.

That Danielle is what you can do for your little boy. He needs you to show him positive stuff.

Dont hide behind the abuse, use it to turn your life around. What I read in your letter is you are still trying to take care of everyone but you. If you don't take care of you emotionally whats that showing your little boy. Your little boy needs his mother and he needs a mother who takes care of her so she can take care of him and show him nothing but positive stuff

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 11:52pm
You've missed my point. When i'm healthy enough things will change. Personality problems are not so easy to resolve, you make it sound so easy to get and keep a job lol. Now i don't know exactly what my problems are, i haven't gotten to see a phychiatrist yet. But i do know that we as a group are very prone to unconscious self sabotoge for what ever reason.

I weigh the pros and cons of staying with my sons father regularly. If safety ever became a concern i would be gone. I'm not making excuses i'm trying to be fair. George was physically, mentally and sexually abused. Do you not think he might have his own demons he battles? Perhaps he needs as much compassion and caring from me as i need from him? Have i told you yet i'm a very cold and distant person? I am not easy to live with ; my own GRANDMOTHER had a hard time. I'm only being fair when i say it's not all his fault. I do not accept blame for his actions; he needs to learn how to control his temper, but so do I.

Food, love, safety and security is what my son needs. And right now this is the only way i can provide it. And i have a really hard time labeling it as abuse when I was the one that hit him. Is that not abusive? Believe me if i could learn to control my own temper and things would be greatly improved. they would not be perfect, George would still need help himself. But maybe then i would be strong enough to help him too.

Could you so easily crush somebodies world truly? George would probably kill himself if i left town with his son. No less then i would do if the tables were reversed. I can take this and make it through, eventually i'll have a safe and secure life. But i refuse to judge who is right or wrong other than to say we are both wrong. I'm not hididng behind anything, i just refuse to gain my happiness at the cost of another humans devestation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 8:40am
Hey Sweetie,

I'm glad to hear back from you, especially since I wasn't aware of your whole situation. I can see where you're coming from, and it sounds like you're looking at the total picture honestly. When I answered you before I just didn't want you to remain in an abusive situation if that's what it was.

Have you guys checked with community resources that may be available to help pay your housing, gas, help with food, etc? I'm not educated on how it is there in Canada; I know here where I am there are some pretty good resources available. Is there something like that you could turn to to get some relief financially?

Hope things get better soon. I think financial stress makes other challenges seem even worse. We just came out of a difficult time and the stress was unbelievable. It was really hard. Hope things start looking up for you. How long does it look before you will be able to meet with someone from mental health?

Hugs to you, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 6:40pm
Thanks very much hun for trying to understand. I'm not trying to minimse Georges behaviour i just have to be realistic. Right now i have a tendancy to do things and be completely unaware. Ranges from minimal things to some pretty important things. I can never be sure when i have forgoton something obviously. Pretty frusterating how much now i realize THIS stuff affects my whole life now, and really messes with my mind. My therepist and i were just talking about it today. Anyways, bottom line is is that eventually i will make it through this and get better, i don't know if George ever will. Can't change when u can't admit there is a problem.

As to the money problems things should be clearing up. All this is cycles. These fights only happen when we are broke. Fall is almost here (up here) and we will put the Golf Shop back up and running and money will be no problem. Summers Gerorge is farming and well depending on crops is not always a reliable way to make money. But like i said the tides are turning the new cycle will start now the goal is to try not to get broke again ;> if u know what i mean,lol. Anyways, thanks for your support and concern hun. Take Care & Safe Days,

Danielle.
Avatar for ready2go2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 11:57am
Hey, I can see you have recieved alot of replys so I guess whateve I would have to say has been said already. But I can say, that if you need to talk ya know where I am.

I hope your alright.

Love Kristina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 2:05pm
Hi Sweety! Thanks for the post hun, george is golfing today so i'll be online this afternoon. I'll look for u then. Take Care,

Danielle.

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