My perpatrator is still out there

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
My perpatrator is still out there
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 10:25pm
One of the men who sexually abused me I never reported him to anyone but my mother and she didn't do anything about it. Well here it is 23 years later and my mother has mentioned on several occassions that she contacted this person. I just went on the website to look up registered offenders in the city he resides in and either I was only victim or he no one ever turned him in but he is not registered. I wish he could be punished for what he did to me somehow and I hope because I didn't turn him in that he didn't find someone else to abuse after I finally got my mother to move away from the state he lived in. He abused me from 2nd grade until I was 14. Any suggestions anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 2:21pm
Hi friend,

I haven't been on this board before but something pushed me to log on this week. I too was sexually abused as a child and told no one but my mother. Likewise, she did not do anything about it as it was a very close family member (so talk about "my perpetrator is still out there" - I was still having family reunions with mine!).

And while it is right to report these incidents for the safety of others, what seemed most critical to me was how to regain my peace and feel safe and loved again. That my mother hadn't reacted and pushed it under the carpet left me feeling unloved and even more abused and yet, she was a loving mother she just didn't know how to deal with this situation. I didn't want to cut off ties with her. I needed to learn how to deal with my hatred for this person and resentment towards my family or I felt it would haunt me throughout all future family relationships.

When I started thinking along these lines as a young woman, I found it helpful to see myself as not a victim, not a person trapped, or unprotected in this abusive family, but as an individual, good person, linked to happiness, God, - not at the mercy of any other individual (even my mother) but supported, protected, loved, needed by God, good. It helped me to separate myself from a sense of being created by this wierd family and just to see myself as created with my own special purpose and plan - needed, good, worthy. One of my favorite books that brought me alot of comfort is Science and Health by Mary Baker Eddy. She too was a woman who went through incredible trials - abandonment, poverty, illness and overcome it all to become a well known author, businesswoman and community leader. She wrote about how to turn our thinking away from the negative to the goodness that we all have a right to.

One of the quotes from her book that helped me the most was " is the offspring of Spirit. The beautiful, good and pure constitute his ancestry." I liked thinking of myself this way. Gradually, my self image started to change and I seemed less focused on what my family members did or how they acted and more on how I wanted to be - happy, beautiful, pure, loving. Soon, I was able to completely forget these incidents - in fact I rarely think of them - and I feel free to love and be loved.

I am prattling on a bit...does this make sense? I also saw today a great article on - about abuse and forgiveness. The article was called "The walk from abuse to forgiveness" - it was very helpful to me. It seemed to be right on the money. Let me know what you think of it.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 6:13pm
If you really want something done you should look into it. In some places it is very much possible to bring forth charges years after the fact. My abuse ended 16 years ago but i filed a formal charge just a few months ago. Both the States and Canada have Victims Services. They can advise you. I've posted the link here before i know somewhere.

Myself i know i will never get better till my father either acknowledges the truth or is forced to in a court of law. I don't care if he goes to jail but i want him labeled for what he is so he will not be able to hide anymore. I tell u this; i know the cops believe my father molested more than me. They believe that of ALL pedophiles, i've seen some scary statistics since searching on the web and we are talking the average # of victims is 65. Not 6-5; SIXTY-FIVE. I pray to God that those stats are out of whack but think about it this way; do you think anybody does something for a DECADE or more and then just quits? Not likely, which is what i finally came to realize about my dad. I was abused from around 2-11. I know he tried on my sister at least once because i stopped it. So if you have any doubts please don't. Even filing a statement without going through with charges could help u who knows. But if it is in your head at all it is worth looking into.

Good Luck & Safe Days,