Newbie... could be trigger...
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|Tue, 08-26-2003 - 5:35pm|
I am 32 years old and single. I've never been married. DOn't think I ever will. Have had offers and just can't seem to wanna be tied down. I'm a pisces with a rising virgo. I have a beautiful daughter who is 3.5 years old. She's a handful and I spend a lot of time with her so I sometimes feel a little starved for adult conversation. Still I wouldn't trade anything for her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now on with the nitty gritty... I am a survivor of incest, physical abuse, emotional abuse... pretty much every kind I can think of. I've survived a date rape, a gang rape (strangers) and a drugging rape (strangers). I concieved and gave birth to my daughter due to one of the rapes. I've never seen justice for any of these and don't expect things to suddenly change now. I am real good at not making police reports. I am real good at cleaning up and going on. I am real good at not feeling a damn thing when it comes to being raped. I don't even dissociate or forget it anymore. It's like I don't care anymore about it. I told my Therapist that by now getting raped for me is not any worse than going to the bathroom in a really really nasty roadside port-o-potty. there is nothing you can do about it so you get thru with it as quickly and efficiently as possible and you get the hell away and you don't look back and you don't think about it except maybe to clean off the scum later man because it's over when it is over and it's not the end of the world. It's just a bad experience that you don't want to repeat if you can avoid it.
My therapist (yup been in therapy for the better part of 15 years now) says THIS IS NOT GOOD. I agree. I've also gotten good at avoiding situation where I might have human contact that could lead to getting raped. That means most everything. Don't get me wrong I shop. I travel. I get around. However, I don't party. I don't go anywhere at night alone. (and I live alone except for 3 yo so that means no where at night) I rarely ever date. Of course, I rarely ever did anyway. I even got fixed because if I cannot predict much less control my own reproduction with the usual means of birth control then by god I was gonna control it by a more permenant measure. Like eliminating it completely from the possibilities.
Now I must make it clear that I had ever opportunity to not have my daughter if that had been my choice. I believe that everyone has a right to an abortion so my belief systems didn't throw up any barriers to my choices at all. And I still wanted to have her. I love her more than life and I have no issues with that choice. I had wanted a baby for years and had decided I might never have one because as much as all my attempts to avoid being raped again greatly reduced human interaction in my life... it never reduced my opportunities to get sex. And still I hadn't gotten pregnant so I thought maybe I couldn't... I can't take conventional BC like the pill... anywat a woman pretty much can have sex anytime she wants to and I am good at snapping my fingers and getting what I want in that department. It has always been easy for me to tell the difference between sex and love because I don't think I ever saw love until I looked in my baby girl's eyes and I knew I hadn't.
Contrary to what many people think... people who love you don't hurt you. And everybody who knew me hurt me... so I preferred plain ole anon sex. If they didn't know me, how could they hurt me? Took a while before I got a stranger rape... so this was the foundation of my belief system. Once that happened... I had no way of knowing anymore if I was gonna get hurt or not. I still don't. And I've built up all this self esteem and dignity and self respect and total honesty with myself and I've analyzed and hypothesized and changed and changed and changed and until I would greatly prefer that I didn't get raped now. Only there is no way of knowing how to keep it from happening again. I can stay away from dysfunctional relationships, but I will never be able to predict who might chance to drug me or who might decide to gang up on me because they had a bad day and they wanna kick the dog but they don't have a dog and I just happen to be available for a good dog kicking.
Ok, I gotta get dinner ready and I cannot possibly communicate it all to anyone in one letter... so maybe I will post more and maybe this is damn well enough info anyway... maybe too much.