At war with....
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At war with....
| Mon, 09-01-2003 - 5:37pm |
It seems like the more I deal with what happened to me, the more I feel like I have been (and still am) fighting a war with my own sexuality. It's like I have been trying to stifle it for most of my life but I just can't. But to give into my sexual feelings is to keep giving my abuser power over me (she has since passed away but the effect still lives on). Does anyone ever feel this way? I don't ever want to feel like or acknowledge that what was done to me felt good, but sadly that was mostly the case. Then I am left to try and suppress my sexuality to avoid mining up the past. The specter of my abuser still hangs over every orgasm I have (thru masturbation - I have never had sex) and nearly every fantasy. I don't think about her but what she did to me. Then I hate myself for indulging. But I can't toss out the baby with the bathwater - I just can't get rid of my sexual feelings but I need to be rid of the guilt and shame. Can anyone relate?
Lee
P.S. "my sexuality has been so polluted by my abuser that it could be a SuperFund Site - a lifetime of fallout and very time-consuming and costly clean-up is needed."
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When you mention being at war with your sexuality, do you mean that you feel you shouldn't have sexual feelings at all? Or are you struggling with like knowing whether you are homo- or heterosexual? I thought I'd ask for some clarification so that the responses you get make sense for your situation.
I can totally understand where you would feel that sexual feelings are bad because of what happened, and I can see where the way you feel about sex would be a mixed bag. The fact that your abuse happened at the hands of a female would make it even more confusing, I would think.
Sexual feelings and urges are normal. That is how we are created. That is nothing to be ashamed of. I also dealt with masturbation for a looooong time. I was doing it by the time I was four because of the SA. The sensations of orgasm are pleasant, and I think for me it was also soothing.
I'll let you clarify my first questions before offering anything more. Look forward to hearing more.
Love, Heidi
co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board
What I meant about being at war is that my sexual fantasies and feelings revolve around what was done to me (the abuse), not that sexual feelings in general are bad. I know that I am straight, as I have had plenty of crushes on men, so that is not an issue. The trouble comes from getting turned on by stuff that reminds me of the abuse, and then hating myself and feeling dirty and guilty and shameful afterwards. So there fore I feel I have to fight my sexuality as it has been so corrupted by the abuse.
Lee