Question... (trigg?)

Avatar for ready2go2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Question... (trigg?)
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 12:34am
Umm... Hi. Well i know a few of you know about my past. Where when I was 12 I was touched by a neighbour. And lately I have been suffering flashbacks and feeling that I didn't understand. Yes yesterday I talked to my oldest brother and asked him a question. First we where talking on MSN. I was not in the mood to talk to him by phone or by person. Anyways when we where talking, I asked if he knew why I was having weird feelings about a certain time in my life, if it was him or his friends that did anythings. And he took too long to answer. I was absolutely shaking when he admitted to touching me when he was younger. Remember though there is a 9 year difference. And he was about 14 which made me around 6. He said he was "horny" and "curious" he said he felt guilty and sick after that. And he said what made it worse was that I still cuddled with him.

I have to admit that at that moment I was scared and upset. But as the hours pasted I mellowed out and now it feels like I don't even care. It feels more unbelievable then anything.

People I talk to ask if I will press charges, or dis-own him. Truthfully I don't know. I mean I can barely remember it. But I know I was screwed up by it all. I know he knew what he was doing was wrong. I know he is not a pedifiller. But I don't know what my feelings are. My mom knows about it all now, and she was shocked. But she isn't putting the blame on me. And she isn't really voicing her thoughts about Eric. Which I am happy about. I can't deal with other peoples emotions right now.

Mom said Eric does not need to come to my birthday on the 9th. She said he isn't even invited. And she said that eric said he won't push me to see him any time soon.

But I am worried. I want my brothers to have a relationship with there brother. But I don't want them getting any thoughts in there head either.

But my big question is, is it normal to feel this mellow? I mean I don't even think I have feelings to it. Whats wrong with me?

Well I hope someone can help me out some. I really am lost right now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 2:59am
Hey Sweetie,

WOW. First I want to say good for you for asking him up front. That took a lot of courage. And even though the reality is upsetting, I am glad that your brother was honest with you. You are now in a place where you know for sure what happened, rather than wondering why you were feeling the way you did. I am also so grateful that your family believes you and is supporting you.

I think the numbness you are feeling is normal. You're processing what he told you, and probably in a kind of shock. I wouldn't be surprised if part of it is not wanting to believe what he did. I'm sure that as time passes you won't feel that numbness anymore.

You haven't indicated whether you have gotten into counseling yet. I really think that it's important for you at this stage. You need someone experienced to guide you through this process. It would be good for your brother to be involved in that, too, since this impacts your relationship. Counseling would also be beneficial for other family members, such as your parents, in rebuilding relationships within your family.

One thing that really stands out to me is that your brother seems truly sorry for what he did and realizes that you need your space right now as you deal with it. I believe that healing can take place for both of you, but I believe you need the help of a professional to guide you through this. He was also pretty young himself when he did this, and it sounds like he immediately knew he did something wrong and felt bad. Don't rush to forgiveness right away because you need to be able to work through your emotions honestly. I hope that in time, though, your relationship can be healed.

As far as your brothers go, maybe try and separate in your mind what happened with you from their relationship with him. Are they younger or older than you? They can still have a brother-to-brother relationship. If they are aware now of what happened with you, you can tell them that you and he are working it out and that he is still their brother.

Hope some of this helped; I also hope that I didn't upset you in any way in saying I feel that your relationship can heal or by commenting that he was young. By saying that I'm NOT saying that what he did was okay. If he and/or your parents said it was your fault or something like that, my thoughts would have been very different. I think you are very blessed in the fact that he was honest with you and seems willing to accept responsibility. He seems willing to let you call the shots as far as when you are ready to see him again. Give yourself time, but stay open to the thought that you can get to a better place with this.

Have you told your parents yet that you have been running into the old neighbor? It's important that they know about this.

Hugs to you, Sweetheart. Love, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 9:14pm
I think Heidi said most of what I was feeling. But I guess part of me was thinking of this from the mother's point of view since I've had 14 year olds and 6 year olds. To me, this numbness may come from the part of you who understands a 14 year old's curiousity. That understanding probably put a layer of okayness over your pain. Or maybe it alleviated a lot of your pain. It obviously didn't seem malicious so perhaps you can come to terms more easily with misguided curiousity.

I also agree it's a good idea to seek counseling if you aren't in it already. Like Heidi said, it would be helpful to have a professional guide you and support you through the mix of emotions that you're experiencing now. I think you may be very close to putting all this behind you if you can find someone to help you process your feelings. Thank God you now know the truth and it's great that you have an open dialogue with your brother. I see good things in front of you.

Edited 9/5/2003 7:34:22 AM ET by opal45

**gentle hugs**