Pity Party Time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Pity Party Time
4
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 11:07pm
Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to me.

Yesterday was my birthday. Number too old to count anymore. The only person to remember was====my momma. She is in ICU with tubes all over and she gestures until someone gets a pad and pen and writes a note to my dad to get money for me. I don't want money. I don't like money. Money is nothing. I lie. My co-workers remembered and got me a cake. It was very nice. And very appreciated. But my hubby, my children, my brothers. Did not even so much as say hi. And my momma did. But - I DON't WANT MONEY. I'd rather have a card. I'd rather have a handshake. I'd rather have something that is important to me. Not something that requires no thought and no knowledge of what I like.

I'm tired. It's interesting that golden boy brother is not here. Why is it that the ones that are cared about the most, care the least about those that care about them. I want to be cared for and the more I want the less I get. He doesn't care, he can do no worng. It stinks.

I wish I'd never been born. It's not worth it.

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: memedeb
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 12:32am
Happy birthday sweetheart!

I'm sorry you've been so hurt by the people in your life, especially by those closest to you when you're suffering so much with your mother's illness. It's just not fair. And I know what you mean about your office's rememberance not being quite what you needed to feel good. Somehow if it's not coming from your family then those gestures just seem to pale in comparison.

The comment that really hit me hard was when you said you wished you'd never been born. Ouch! You see, I for one am enriched by your life. I'm glad you were born. Yeah, I know, some stranger on an internet message board isn't enough to soothe those open wounds but I do see so much of your beauty and compassion. The thing I pray for is that YOU can find what I see in you to the point it won't make a rat's patooty of difference what some "golden boy" thinks of you. Whether he's too stupid or shallow to see your magnificence is HIS problem, not yours. You are worth caring about.

I'm wondering though, do you know that you are worth caring about? I ask b/c I remember when I felt the same way about wishing I'd never been born. When I felt the entire world was ignoring me, I had no idea how little I felt I was worth caring about. When it got right down to it, I sincerely felt worthless so no amount of care would satisfy me. I clung to every shred of evidence to prove my internal belief that I was worthless. It wasn't until I found my own self-worth, until I cared for myself, was I able to feel cared for by the other people in my life. And the thing is, the ones who don't care about me don't seem to rock my life as much anymore.

So anyway, I'm glad it's your birthday. Thanks for being here.

**gentle hugs**

Gail


Edited 9/5/2003 7:22:11 AM ET by opal45

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: memedeb
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 5:21pm
Hi Deb,

That totally stinks that your husband, kids and brothers forgot your birthday. And I can totally see where you're coming from on not wanting money. The caring and nurturing definitely mean more. Does your mom usually remember your birthday, or was it unusual for her to remember this time?

I for one am also glad that you were born. Life has been hard for you, and you've definitely got your plate overflowing right now! You are a wonderful, caring woman who has done a wonderful job raising her family. You have survived difficult circumstances and are living a good life. I am so glad that I know you, and that you are here with us on the board.

Happy Birthday from me, and I hope that the coming year is a good one for you.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: memedeb
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 11:08am
Well, it doesn't sound like you had a happy birthday at all. It sounds to me like you're shouldering an awful lot right now. I hope that you get some help soon. I'm glad you were born, because you have brought a lot of support to this board and all the people here. (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: memedeb
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 12:34pm
Thank you for your kind words. I guess, I don't understand what y'all mean by "support". I don't feel as if I have been "supportive" of anyone, here. I read what everyone has to say, and sometimes, I throw my 2 cents in. I don't know what to say when someone is in serious pain, like my momma, but I can sit with them in it. Like my momma. That was awful. I just sat and held her hand. She'd open her eyes and look right through me. And everyone else too.

She is doing better, off the ventilator and is drinking clear liquids. Still on dialysis and may be for the rest of her life. Last night she said she didn't know anything about Wednesday thru Thursday. She could remember glimpses of me or dad and then horrible pain, then nothing. I envision, mom & dad needing help - forever.. I just hope and pray that they will still be able to live self sufficiently in their own home. With a little help.



I guess I don't really believe I am worth much. My mom has said I was great with her and my dad has said he doesn't know what he'd do without me. I didn't even say thank you. I feel like I was in the place and did what had to be done. If I hadn't been there, someone else would have taken care of it. At the same time, my brothers weren't there for the hard part. Now one of them is there for the weekend. I'm home trying to catch up on housework and gardening chores. I do pretty well with the hard parts. It's the follow up that I'm not good with. I am working at taking credit for dealing with the hard parts and giving credit for allowing those that are not good at the hard part for taking care of the follow up that I'm not good with. If that made any sense whatsoever.....

I read Jonathon Livingston Seagull in the waiting room. Very interesting. Thought provoking.

Pity party is over by the way. Thank you for joining me.

Deb