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Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Question
9
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 10:29am

Hi Everyone,


Lately my work in therapy has taken me to what might be the core of my pain. Honest to god, it feels like my own personal

**gentle hugs**

Avatar for nikki8541
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 12:22pm

Hi Gail,


I too have a "personal ground zero".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 12:42pm

Hi Gail, I'm sorry it's so tough for you, and that you are hurting so much. You are brave though, to have the courage to face up to this.


I don't think that I have reached the very core of this all in therapy yet - although I have been trying very very hard. I guess that since other stuff happened much more recently, that is what we have been focusing on. It's very much about surviving today, basically.


My T did have me try and describe my pain though. I told her that there are no words in the english language that would even come close. So she had me draw it instead. So I have a whole sketchbook of whirling red and jagged black scribbles, grey and charcoal, angry, furious drawings. She then asked me to describe the drawings, and made a list of what I said about it. Bleak...Empty...Searing...the pain is like a huge hand with long sharp nails that holds me tight and suffocates me. Everything I try to do it grabs me and strangles me and doesnt let go. The pain flows from the very centre of me and spills out over everything around me.


I guess thats close? Ish? I'm sorry if that made no sense, or wasn't really what you were asking Gail.


Rubie x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 3:34pm
I guess I haven't even examined what my pain looks like I have been to busy trying to figure out where it comes from and how it has affected my life.

 

 

 

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 3:44pm

Hi Melissa,


See, that's exactly where I was. I couldn't begin to explain its source. But then I was able to see so much more just by looking at it and describing what it looked like. May I ask if you're trying to do this with your T or on your own?


Gail

**gentle hugs**

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 3:45pm
Thanks for the congrats!
**gentle hugs**

Gail
**gentle hugs**

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 3:47pm
Bingo! I really understand what you're saying. It sounds like you're really connected to it. I know it sucks but it may bring us closer to our healing by being able to get this close, kwim?
**gentle hugs**

Gail
**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 4:13pm

I've never "looked" at it but I've always described it as a hole in the pit of my stomach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: opal45
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 4:28pm
Actually like I said I am just trying to find the source of the pain and how it affects me.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 3:33am


It looks like the following, I have shared this before here: It from the beginning of my book

The Lightlessness is Petrifying

The lightlessness is petrifying.
The dark of night will only become
the dark of day.
The day darkness is much less frightening,
but not so much less that it will ever
balance out the night.

Oh, to be whole again, a working, thinking, living
and loving person.
These are the night questions.
The worry, despair and depression invade my shaking
body when the blackness comes.

The lightlessness is terrifying.
To see a spark, a glint or a glimmer would be
to ask for a miracle.
To be able to live without fear of losing one's self,
a little sign of wholeness, of saneness, would be
gratefully accepted.

Reverse the movement of those inwardly closing walls.
An understanding face at the top of this deep,
deepest hole.
A rope, not to hang by, but to pull oneself out by.
The cause is always lost in the darkness
of the dungeons of my mind.

The fight must be won, but it can only
be realized in the light.
Please keep the lightlessness away,
for it is the death of me!

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