I've felt very suicidal the past few days.
I have been sitting with your post up on my screen, almost since you put it up, trying to make sure that what I might post would not be a trigger for you.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I think there are very FEW of us here who do not know exactly where you are at right now. Trust me on that okay? You CAN do this, you are a strong, loving, giving, intelligent woman. Imagine the devastation that we would feel, that your family would feel if you were no longer here. I want to say that feelings are like waves, they sweep over us and leave us tumbling in the surf, and then they ebb again... NO feeling lasts forever and if you can hang in there and wait for the ebb, I know that you will be glad that you didn't make any decisions in the midst of a crest of emotion. I have been where you have been and I hope you can hold on and ride the waves a little. Love ya
Thank you, all of you, for writing to me.
First let me say I think the letter from your husband is an excellent idea!
Beating on the couch with the wiffle bat and screaming your heart out - another great thing to help get the rage out.
Then talking with your husband about how you have been feeling today - YOU GO GIRL!
Though you have been feeling very low, you are having very clear thoughts and ideas to help yourself - again I say you should pat yourself on the back!
As far as extra support over the next couple of days - I know I will be here and from what I have seen so will everyone else - you have a great community of women who understand where you are coming from and will be there, no if's, and's, or but's!
(((((Heidi))))) I'm sorry it's been so rough for you. I hope you can reach out to others--hotline, call your therapist, go to the ER--when you feel as if you can't go on. I know it's tough to do that when you're feeling so badly, but I hope you'll give it and yourself a chance and make the call if those feelings come up.
Good for you for being assertive about the book!!! Despite feeling this badly you stood up for yourself. And you're getting this book for yourself. Way to go! I'm glad you're going to have the book. And I'm glad you asked your husband for the letter. That's a great idea. And you took out your feelings in a way that no one got hurt. I'm so proud of you for making such good choices during such a difficult time.
I used to have a big block of wood, a container of big nails and a hammer. When I needed to unload some stress I'd pound nails into that wood. I felt so much better. The block of wood got to look really odd after some time and I once left it out when my parents were there...they eyeballed it but didn't say a word. It really helped me. I also used to keep all the class for our recycling and then, when I needed to, take it to
(((((hugs)))) I'm sorry things have been so rough for you lately. It never feels good when these feelings resurface. Sometimes it seems easier to give up, but that's never a good answer either.
Oh honey, you are NOT crazy. I had that EXACT same feeling when I found out my mother "supposedly" confonted my abuser/day. He said he had NO idea what I was talking about. I called my best friend who had been helping me to deal with "coming out". She said, OF COURSE he denied it! The majority of perps will deny!
NO ONE of us wants to deal with the process of healing. It's SO UNFAIR that we are abused, then WE must suffer again in order to heal. We all know this. Honey we all understand but you ARE a survivor and you must get help or MORE help. You have to keep pushing through therapy, maybe with the help of meds. I wish I had been on meds while going through my roughest times, but alas.
You MUST keep talking and talking and talking. This advice was given to me by an "old" tdoc of mine. I did not know WHY at the time, but I sure do know now. We have to peel back all the layers, like with an onion; until we can get to the center. The more layers we peel, discuss and deal with, the more we get to the center and the more healed we will be. Recovery is a process and no one ever said it was easy. With the help of professionals and the support you get from the board I hope you will re=think what you want. I am sure others have given you numbers to call. I just don't want you to hurt yourself. You deserve to work on healing and you deserve to RECOVER. You children and husband love you. What would it do to them if you took your life? It will not be a relief for them, it will cause them MAJOR pain and guilt.
Please think about getting more help and let us keep helping you also. You KNOW as well as we ALL do, we go through cycles. We can by suicidal then ok and around and around. Without help we are stuck! PLEASE get unstuck. Do it for your family, DO IT FOR YOU!