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|Fri, 09-26-2008 - 1:49am|
Today was the first session for the group I'm continuing on it. I had reservations about going but decided to face it and go anyway. It was very awkward as there were several people who had been in this 2nd part of group already and then 6 of us who were just in the first part of group this summer joining them. So the merging of two groups was emotionally difficult. We'd all come to feel safe speaking out in our own group so now with the two together it was tough. I have faith that it will improve as we're all there for the same reason. I felt a bit upset as I felt as if the people already in this group were saying that those of us who just joined had really screwed it up for them by ruining their group. I felt very unwanted and as if I shouldn't be there. It was very difficult.
My therapist told me yesterday that I deserve good things from others. That has me very puzzled. I deserved good things long ago from my parents and grandfather, but I never got it. It's too late now. I can't understand how I could possibly deserve good things from anyone now. No one owes me anything. I feel so much guilt about the whole situation I've talked about with the other therapist I see giving me a bear and being kind to me. He doesn't owe me that. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that from him. I'm happy that he's being s very kind and understanding; it's very nice of him. I told my therapist I didn't deserve it from the other therapist but he said that I do deserve it from the other therapist and from him and from everyone around me. I truly don't understand that. I'm not feeling deserving of good things from anyone. No one owes me anything.