How do you know...?
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|Sat, 09-27-2008 - 11:32pm|
Hi all...I have a kinda strange question to ask, and it doesn't actually have anything to do with the assault that happened to me when I was 13.
I'm wondering... How do you know when a snippet of a memory is actually a snippet of what you think it may be--abuse--vs. just a disjointed, disconnected memory??
Ok, a little background... I am the youngest of 3, my older siblings are a bit older than me (my brother is 9yrs older and my sister is 6yrs older), and when I was little my parents worked odd-ball shifts. though my siblings were older than me, they weren't old enough to babysit, so my mom had a local teen sit with us. She had 2 brothers. (are you following this?) I can remember that one of the brothers would occasionally babysit us when his sister wasn't available.
I'm trying to figure out if some disjointed memories concerning him at my house, and feelings of severe uneasiness about being around him, are actually memories of abuse. I was young, like 3 or 4 at the oldest, at the time. The sitters lived nearby, and my mom and their mom were very close friends, so when we walked our dog, we'd swing by their house to say hi. I have definate, clear memories of not wanting to go inside the house if he was home, or not wanting to be left alone with him in his home should my mom and his mom go off to chat for a few minutes. It's not anything i could explain to my mother. I mean, it was like 1977 and I was a little kid... I was a shy child so I know my mom just thought I was being silly and shy, etc. and didn't think anything of my resistance/hesitation. It was a family she knew and trusted.
I don't know. I just have this nagging feeling like there's something more to this than i can remember, and it's bugging me. But I don't want to stick a label of abuse or assault on these memories--or snippets of memories-- if there's nothing to it. How do you know? Is it in your gut? Ugh. And, it's not like I could really talk to my parents about this. God. My mom is barely recovered from my telling her about what happened when I was 13. I don't know if she could recover from being told that I may have been abused by a babysitter when I was a toddler and she was working nights as a nurse. I fear that would be too big a burden for her to bear.
I just don't know what to make of this, but I do know that iit's gnawing away at me... (sigh)