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|Fri, 11-28-2008 - 3:23pm|
I am single and recovering from lots of drama and now it's gone all quiet and I am as lonely as anything. It's the weekend and it's cold and dark here in England, Uk. I am getting out and about now, I go to lots of activities and clubs but when it comes to the weekend, I feel so lonely and I dreading it.
I have no close friends anymore (or did I ever?) I question why I am not close to people and always seem to have friendships/relationships go pearshaped. Not sure the reason, it just all guess work. I had a breakdown last year and no-one stuck around which really devastated me and made me realise they were not real friends.
People tell me over and again I am lovely and good person so why is it my friends all seem to have their own close knit circle of best friends. I am always the distant friend, it could be of my own doing, maybe the s.abuse has stopped me trusting people and so I keep them at a distance or maybe I pick the 'wrong types' I have wondered if I have surrounded myself with 'toxic' people, it's all so confusing, I don't know what is the 'truth' is it me or is it them? Therapy can be so hard at times.
I long for contact and people to be with, I do talk and make the effort, but doesn't appear to be paying off. I have reconnected with old school friends again but am getting that familiar feeling of frustration again as it's me making all the arrangements. In fact after all the giving and helping I gave to people I was amazed how nobody helped me when I got so physically ill, I just lost faith. Maybe I have the wrong attitude as I am blaming others, but I can't understand what else is happening, I feel like people never get tto close to me (or maybe I am just overanalysing as I have too much time on hands)