Not Sure What Stage Am At
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|Sat, 11-29-2008 - 11:46am|
Not sure where I am in therapy.
I do not feel good on the inside, even though I have read about it, I do not parent myself (well yes I do but the voice is negative and critical).
I feel so very alone, I have to keep myself this way to get through, I isolate myself as this is the only way I can deal with it. I tried telling people but they either change the subject or walk away. No-one has just held me, but neither have I.
I really don't get this 'love yourself' stuff, I try it and then forget and it doesn't make much sense. I feel so frustrated now as have done so much therapy and healing and yet I still feel crap and alone.
I am still angry at the world in many ways, I still feel blocked from trusting, suspicious and wary of people and question their intentions and motives. I wish I could relax.
I get a sense of comfortble familiarity from cutting people off, deciding they are no good for me, I feel confused so much, wish I could get clearer perspective, guess it comes from years of control and brainwashing, i find it hard to know and trust MY thoughts and feelings and who to trust. I move from one person to the next never making any deep lasting relationships, I have moved around a lot but i wonder if I get scared of getting close so easier to just move on, but at nearly 30 is becoming apparent I have no close friends.
I always feel I do not get enough love, support etc from other people, I feel like I can't keep giving to others and getting so little back.
Right now I have no life, none at all just an existence (my illness holds me back) but also I do too.
I feel like a failure, I feel ashamed, I feel hopeless and hurt that God has let me go through all this hell. My loss is so great, even though they were horrible and evil to me, I lost all my family, some through circumstances/their decision and others decided by me for my own sanity, BUT I still feel the loss, I stll feel alone in the world and carryign the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel so young and my friends have not been through even an ounce of what I have, why are they blessed and not me?
I wish I knew my way through this maze, does it ever get any easier, lately I felt like giving up on hope and just realising that life is hard and unhappy most of times and that's that.
I know my words sound 'victim' but I do not have the strength to say 'survivor' right now as I still very much in hell.