On Survival

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
On Survival
12
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 4:56pm

I'm sitting here and typing from a very uncomfortable position - in the knowledge that even though you wouldn't, most of you could say 'I told you so'.


I should not have gone to the wedding - I know I shouldn't have done. I should have protected myself better. The problem is, I just kind of switched off. I am 9 years old again, and terrified - but resigned. The frustration I feel at myself is enormous. And I guess that being childlike means I am treated like a child. I have to take meds, call in at the centre, I have to follow the dieticians plan to the letter. To the absolute calorie. It is so so hard. I have to be analysed and prodded and poked.


I am so close to giving up. I feel so broken. This year has been so so so hard. I know other people have it tougher than me - hell, I have jobs, a home, nice clothes. But I still cry myself to sleep at night. I still feel lonely. I still feel empty and smashed up into pieces.


Is this really it? 6 small meals a day, a handful of pills, naps, work, therapy, sleep, begin again.


It feels like starting over. Only this time it's so much harder. I can't do this anymore :(


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 9:18pm

Hi Rubie.

Leo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 10:36pm
Photobucket

Rubie my dear, dear girl I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 4:07pm

Hi Leo,


Thankyou for your support.


I am so sorry to hear how Shannon is struggling - my thoughts and best wishes are with you both.


Rubie


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 4:20pm

Thankyou Mommie Brenda


I hear all these nice things that people say about me - that I am a fighter and I am gutsy and that I will get through this...my T keeps saying that she believes in me...why? what is there to believe in? WHAT? I am a nothing posing as a nobody...


I stopped speaking out loud in my sessions because no-one is hearing me. It's so frustrating - why can't they hear me? I do everything they ask me to, and even more - but its not enough for them. They want so much from me, but I don't understand why. I feel so trapped.


It's not that I am trying to be difficult. They just don't understand - they don't even listen to what I am saying, or trying my hardest to say.


I tried to mail you Brenda but it wont let me :(


I am sorry I cant do any better than this


Rubie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 5:02pm
Rubie, you ARE NOT a nobody you are a very couragous, strong, woman.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 7:23pm

((((((((((Rubie)))))))))))) if I may offer you a hug.

Leo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 5:32pm

Apparently I look like I am keeping it together


I look like I am surviving


They say I look pretty and put together and so on...


I am not I am not I am not


I sit hidden in make-up and clothes and I say nothing


I don't want to try any more because it is so hard. WHY CAN NO-ONE SEE PAST MY FACE? WHY CAN NO-ONE HEAR ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?


Why did he do it? Was it not enough already? Was I not already broken enough?


I rang the crisis line but I didnt know what to say. I have no words left.


I am sorry


Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 9:35pm

What is it that people aren't hearing you say?


GP

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 1:42am

((((Rubie)))))


What is it you're trying to say that people don't get?

Alisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 11:24am

We are listening Rubie. Tell us anything you need to say. We hear you.


Love,


Allie

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