Dilemmas

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Dilemmas
5
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 3:49pm

So another year and there is no way I am spending with family (well I have been told I am not invited anyway)

I am so fed-up of all the constant reminders of family, part of me is feeling quite angry and bitter that they are spending it together while the outcast (me) is just left out.

My aunt refused to have me there for xmas dinner, I was so hurt, I have never done anything to her it's just since the 'truth' has come out.

She sent me a card and money and I really, really, really didn't want to send her anything, but something got the better of me and I sent a card back (not that she in any way deserves one)

I really, really do not want to send my mother anything either but then again I am a nice person and feel bad if I don't (even though I have no reason to feel bad and the fact she said that "if I am alone for xmas it's my own fault")

Does anyone else understand such dilemmas?


Fluppet
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
In reply to: fluppet
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 4:23pm

Hey Fluppet


The holidays are ripe for guilt! Especially the kind we don't deserve. The should haves just smack a person upside the head.


So....what do I think? I think that as we get better, we try to respond the way that works best for us. If you will feel guilt (not deserved) over not sending a card, and you can afford to send a card to your mother, then do it. If you won't berate yourself, then don't.


Personally, trying to take the high ground keeps me out of that bad place in my head.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
In reply to: fluppet
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 4:47pm

Fluppet,

First off, I'm sorry to hear how your family is currently treating you, that's not fair to you at all.

I'm going through a similar dilemma. It's been almost 4 years since I decided to let my mother know about the extent of the SA I lived through. Her response was crushing, she no longer wanted to have contact with me. She has since turned the situation around as though I'm the one who has shut her out, and I guess that's partially true as of now, seeing as she is still with my abuser, contact with either of them is not in my best interests. She sends me cards on my birthday and Christmas usually, or occasionally out of the blue, sometimes with guilt ridden messages. I've kept extremely minimal contact, usually just a Christmas card, no phone calls, no letters to her from myself.

About a month ago, I made the choice to start down the journey of recovery, and I informed my DH to just keep any correspondence my mother might send, don't throw it away, but just put it away somewhere until I'm ready, that it's not something I need during my recovery. But here it is, nearly Christmas, and I don't know how I'm feeling about sending my usual card or not to do it. I feel ridiculous at my indecision. It's making me cranky and anxious feeling. I do feel guilty and I know I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'll ultimately end up doing. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way you do. The constant struggle of wanting to because it's not in your nature to be cold and distant, and yet not wanting to deal with all the drama and emotions such gestures sometimes bring. I'm sure you'll come to peace with whatever decision you make, and I know it's a hard one, good luck.

-Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 2:16pm
I hear you.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 2:20pm
Mel, I don't believe I have ever seen you on the board before.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 5:13pm

It is so hard to reconcile your right, it feels so unnatural but with the others happily living in the land of denial and me having to wade my way through this mess seems so unfair.

Thankfully I sopke to an uncle tonigt who loves me unconditionally and who gave me hope again, perhaps now I can go to him for support.

Best wsihes to all survivors out there x


Fluppet
Fluppet x  x