New and need an ear (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
New and need an ear (long)
9
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 6:39pm

Hi. Please forgive me if I offend anyone here. It is not my intention what so ever. I am lost and confused. We recently found out that our 18 year old daughter was molested back in 2005. She never told told anyone. She has dealt with this completely on her own all this time.. This was a friend of her older sister. They had just gotten back from a missions trip from overseas. She asked if these 2 boys could come visit that spring break for a week. Although we had reservations we said ok ....they were good Christian boys that were serving God, how bad could it be. If we had only listened to ourselves this one 19 yr. old

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 8:39pm

Hugs to you and your entire family. I am Beth, and I am watching the board until the community leader returns.


Abused people need to pick an outlet for their feelings. Your daughter picked someone who will love her no matter what---you.


Are her therapists rape crisis people?


Are you seeing a personal therapist? If you aren't, you might want to. You couldn't protect her...and now you can't help her. It is not fair, but it is true. You can love her and pray for her and be there when she needs you.


Please know you are in my prayers.


Beth


aka


CL-WifeMomTeacher


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 10:56am

Thank you Beth for your kind words. One of the counc. is at the rape crisis center...once I knew her dad and I found this place and took her there....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 2:32pm

Carolina Gurl,


As a mother of teenagers, I feel your pain.

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 10:47pm

I was not offended by your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 5:33pm
Photobucket

Welcome to the board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 8:24pm

Thank you to each of you for listening and offering advice. She asked me tonight if she could have her phone back. I said I just wasn't ready to give it back. She asked me if it was because I didn't trust her. All I could do was repeat the same. The truth is , No, I don't. 2 weeks ago she decided to date a married man. She lied to us about him. (he was a friend of the family, uncles best friend) 1. she is not ready for this 2. He is married telling her he's leaving his wife...what! 3. he was told to stay away from her and not to talk to her....he was told a little bit of what was going on...and we know him all too well, but he started this with her anyway. I saw where this was going quick. So after this huge blow up and he was told to leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 6:33pm

Hi. After reading your 2 responses and all the others, I'm going to give you a reply you probably won't like and many others may disagree with. But it is born out of love, concern, caring and a difficult experience with a very devout friend.

First, your daughter wasn't "molested" in the sense of an older person taking advantage sexually of a younger person. She was "date raped". What's the difference? She probably feels equally responsible for the rape. When a child is molested you can easily tell them they aren't responsible but when a 15 year old lets a 19 year stay at her place, she feels responsible for the mistake.

Second, you said he was a "good Christian boy". Many a good Christian and Catholic and Buddhist and Muslim boy have date raped a good Christian, Catholic, Buddhist or Muslim girl. His lack of self control, contempt and need to control others is non-denominational. She may very well feel that her religion has raped her as well. This is exactly what happened to my best friend's 15 year old and it lead to 10 years of hell for everyone. She felt as if evrything her parents had taught her all of her life about Christianity was false....bull&*^% to put it bluntly. The rape of her religion was worse than the rape of her body.

YOU need to let go. You are what she is mad at. You personify her faith, a faith she has lost right now. You need to encourage her to get help, both for the date rape and the religious rape.

AND>>>>YOU need to bring charges against this young man. She was 15... a minor. That is statutory rape. She may think she consented and she is to blame, but legally it is rape and she needs to know you believe her and will support her and help her. I would have been on the phone to the cops 2 seconds after my daughter told me something like this. Why weren't you?????????? Maybe that's why you need to see a therapist......why didn't you take action? And has anyone told the university that he has done this? It's grounds for immediate dismissal at most colleges.

I am trying to see this from your daughter's side as I had to do for my best friend. It was the toughest thing I've ever had to do but it eventually lead to healing. My friend hadn't even thought about the religious angle. Her daughter felt Jesus thought she was no good and that's why the good Christian boy felt she was okay to rape. Mom also failed to report the rape as she felt it was too embarrassing. What her daughter felt was that mom was so embarrassed by her that she wouldn't even report the crime. She felt she must be a really bad, dirty person, a person Jesus would not love.

She needs help but the best thing you can do is be her parent. Don't try to help her...leave that to the pros. But do what you should have done and report the crime. If she realizes that HE was the bad Christian, perhaps she will start to forgive herself. She needs you and your husband to do what parents are supposed to do...protect her. And you can do that best by getting this young man out of her life. And to get this young man away from any other young women he may decide to date rape. Guaranteed your daughter isn't the only one.

Sorry to be so tough but sometimes parents need tough love. My kids are 30 and 33 and we got through without too many problems but I had to do some tough love with my kids too. And I called in the pros when needed. No parent can know how to handle every situation.

Good luck and when in doubt, try to put yourself in your daughter's shoes and see things her way even if it seems irrational to you. 15 is an age of irrational emotions to start with. It's been tripled for her.

I really do care and for those who post here who disagree with me, unless you've dealt with this same situation, think twice before jumping on me. My best friend's daughter is now happily married and back in her church but it took having 4 children by 3 different men to get there because no one LISTENED TO HER. It took me practically taking my friend by the throat and shaking some sense in her to get things back on track. You can't pray it away. You can't "prostitute" it away. And you most certainly can't starve or cut it away. Nor can you "parent" it away by taking away a phone or anything else. She needs help and probably in-patient help if she's suicidal(cutting).

Get the best help you can and then PROSECUTE!

gentle hugs from a parent who's been there.........JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 7:45pm

JennyB,


I came here looking for advice...thats what you have given. I apprieciate all the advice I have recieved. I thank you for that. There are alot of things in life that we hear that we or others may not like, but when asked for, well, then we asked for it. So to clarify a few things.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Sat, 01-10-2009 - 10:58am

You are doing good work. For that you deserve much praise.

I am glad you went to the police and university officials. He needs to be watched. I am sorry you didn't get any help and she won't charge him. It is part of her guilt. That is why I say she wasn't molested in the traditional sense. When a 5 year old has been molested by a 25 year old, they know they aren't to blame. But a 15 year old with a 19 year old, in her head she is 50% responsible and that is why it is more of a date rape....to her.That is why she won't press charges. The difference is in her head and that is the toughest place to dislodge it. I'll bet if she can find some other girls on campus who have experienced the same thing, she will being to understand. I'm not saying she wasn't molested but that in her head she sees herself as 50% responsible.

Believe it or not, this feeling of being responsible is one of the biggest problems all sexual abuse victims have. Even the 5 year old will blame themselves until it is drill into their heads that the other person was 10 times their size and they couldn't stop it no matter what. But even the 5 year old will conclude they are bad. But with only a 4 year difference in age, I can assure you, she blames herself.

I am so glad you are trying to understand her side. Try going to a Rape Crisis center yourself and talk to some of the people there. You might find it very educational and even supportive.

When I dealt with my friend with this, it took forever for her to understand. Her daughter ended up getting pregnant from the rape and my friend insisted her daughter marry the idiot. I almost killed my friend! And her daughter's new husband almost killed her....a rapist and an abuser. So you can see why I am so passionate about this. I fear greatly for your daughter's life and sanity.

I thank you for being so gracious about my brutal response. Your willingness to listen shows just how much you love your daughter and just how much you are willing to do whatever it takes to help her. That is the best news I've heard in a long time. You are a true loving mom. You are a rarity.

Keep listening to her and make sure to see it from her side. Realize that she sees herself as someone who is now going to hell. What God could love someone who allowed this, even though she didn't allow it. And what hypocrites you, your husband and her sister are for allowing this to happen to her even though you couldn't possibly have foreseen it happening.

Do you have any pastoral counselors at your church? I have found them great. I'm not talking just a pastor but someone who has a degree in counseling and theology. If there isn't one in your church, check other churches. They don't need to be of your denomination to be effective, just someone who understands the effect this has on someone of great faith. I found a great counselor at the Congregational Church even though I'm not. And no attempt was ever made to try to "convert" me. That is not their role. They are there to counsel when you've lost your faith as your daughter certainly has.

If my friend's daughter can go through the hell she has and made it back successfully, I'm sure your daughter will.

Thank you for understanding my intent.

gentle hugs..............JennyB