Does It Ever Get Any Better??
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|Fri, 01-09-2009 - 1:33pm|
So it's been 18 months since I began unfolding the CSA I underwent from age 2-5 years old.
My abuser (father) has just passed away. I am not sure how I feel about this.
Have done tonnes of healing but I just wondered does it get any better?
I still feel depressed, have trouble sleeping, have physical pain, still isolate from the world, feel very, very alone.
I have great counsellor and I am working as hard as I can but I wondered if thing ever get any better as some days I feel there is no hope?
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, have tried to fit in all my life but it doesn't ever quite gell and I end up feeling left out, abandoned, rejected.
I do know I am a lovely person and am a good friend just wish I had someone else like me in real life, I give and give and give to people and yet so often I feel completely alone, where is everyone when I need help?????
I wish I could feel 'normal' just relax and not all this overwhelming anxiety and stress.
Does anyone esle understand what I am doing right now? I constantly compare myself to other people and constantly tell myself what a failure I am or how I have got things all wrong, this has been getting a lot stronger of late, anyone else been through this?
Also even if I isolate myself, if that is true, then why do I feel like people don't love me or care when it was my decision, I feel most people are dangerous or could cause me harm or are toxic.
One more thing and this drive me crazy, for everytime I feel something, I get another voice telling me the opposite of what I feel and I never know which voice to trust. I get so anxious and upset about this, constantly trying to figure out which 'voice' is the one to listen to as I am scared of making a mistake and I feel if I don't get things right, it will be a disaster.
My T says this is because I learned to ignore my feelings as this is what my family did, so I learned my feelings are not important
Has anyone else healed to the point if reurning to a 'normal life' where they have close friends, a partner, a job etc.?
I struggle to cope right now and lose hope.
Edited 1/9/2009 1:52 pm ET by fluppet