Humility is smacking me in the face

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Humility is smacking me in the face
10
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:59am

Hi everyone,


The soap opera of my life continues with a new saga. (Advance warning: this will probably be long so please bear with

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 6:57pm

I just wanted to respond to a few things

I could be wrong but is it possible you are angry at yourself because you feel ashamed at how you have dealt with recovery i.e by drinking at times

I am in no way saying you SHOULD feel ashamed at all but what I have learned from therapy is that anger is almost always a defense mechanism to prevent a painful emotion.

It's seems that as the anger has passed it had revealed your true feelings of guilt and shame.

I completely understand this. It has taken two years of intense therapy and endless anger to get to the point last week where I just broke down and said to my T

'What I REALLY feels is totally ashamed of myself, I feel very bad inside and terribly guilty, I am bad'

it was like another person speaking (my child) all my life I have done the 'superior' act and been so angry. I would defend against any feelings of self loathing.

There I was crying and sobbing, I had finally got to the bottom of my true feelings. It was such a relief but this week has been very hard, lots of triggering.

Going to AA meetings sounds like a really brave courageous step. Whether you do have a drinking problem or not you have recognised it may not be helping long term. I used mild drugs, smoking and drinking for years to make myself feel better, but they were destructive crutches, they took away my dignity and power.

"I was so enraged when one of my friends mirrored the AA line that I blew up on the phone and hung up on her. Honestly, I think that might have been the straw that broke the friendship's back."

Please don't give up on this friendship, a true friend will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear, it's not all about saying what you want to hear, people who do that are not always sincere. She could have pampered you but if that is not what she feels will help, what kind of friend is she?

"There's my perceived implication that I'm physically deformed (genetic malfunction), my perceived implication that I'm so much weaker than my friends who can handle their alcohol without getting to where I am and the perceived implication that I continue to be f'ed up. I stress "perceived" b/c I know these are just my erred views and not reality"

You don't need anyone to tell you this is nonsense, there are certain things I can't have otherwise I am hooked right back, yes this is a weakness doesn't mean I am a weak person.

"I think I'm finally coming to terms with, or at least beginning to, the fact that I'm merely human"

I think you are really far into healing, I am not where you are, to have the kind of insight your having is quite amazing. I know exatcly what you mean about the superior guard, I hate to admit it but this sometimes 'gives me permission' to act badly as I feel superior and a victim.

Sounds to me like your becoming much more grounded, even though it's painful, you are now saying you are human so similar to others and vulnerable. I need to point something out to you here, even though it's painful guess what your leaving behind...feeling disconnected, lonely, an outsider, not part of things. All those horrible feelings so many of us survivors feel you seems to have finally worked through, what an achievement and inspiration to others.

"I feel so vulnerable"

I am sure you do, you are feeling new things which is always scary, but they are good things, progress, healing.

Fluppet  

 “Happiness is good health and a bad memory"
x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x    




Edited 1/21/2009 7:00 pm ET by fluppet
Fluppet x  x
Community Leader
Registered: 06-02-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 4:36pm

In my point of view,

Zoe

Community Leader - Sexual Abuse Healing

Boards> Health & Fitness >Crisis Support >Sexual Abuse Healing

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/health-fitness/crisis-support/sexual-abuse-healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 3:07pm

Gail,


Just a few thoughts/questions.

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 2:54pm
Thank you I think I am lucky to.
 

 

 

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:33pm
Thanks Brenda! You're so lucky to have TK. I'm always in awe when you talk about the mutual support you offer each other.
**gentle hugs**

Gail
**gentle hugs**

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:31pm

Hey Lucky,


Thank you

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:23pm

Gail


Great Post!!!

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 3:56pm
Gail,
 

 

 

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:13am
Thanks and welcome
**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:03am

Gail-