need help with a body memory..triggering
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|Thu, 01-22-2009 - 4:46pm|
I've posted on and off here over the past 2 years since breaking my neck. At that time I found myself waking up from surgery remembering just how my neck was hurt in the first place. I had always remembered but not in detail. I remembered the details...in full horror.
But I've been having dreams and sensations and flashbacks about being strangled. And this isn't the first time. The first time was very early in therapy when I was a teen and I woke up in the hospital having dreamed I was being strangled. It was so intense, I had marks on my neck as if I was being strangled and I was screaming. I couldn't have made the marks...they checked. They just came up from the intensity of the dream.
Since then , the memory has surfaced once in a while but recently has become a real body memory. I can see it, feel it. It was my mother. My father had made arrangements for a "back room" abortion(1951) but my mother backed out last minute afraid she might die(not that she wanted me). And my aunt told me many years ago that she had feared for my life when I was born as my mother really didn't want me. She even offered to take me.
I've had asthma since I was a baby but it gets especially bad when I'm stressed. I used to be so afraid of hugs I would hit anyone who tried to hug me. I blamed the asthma. I think I was blaming the wrong thing. And perhaps the asthma came from the attempted strangulation......at least the stress part. I do have allergic asthma and tons of allergies. But then there are those times I can't figure out why.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else?