need help with a body memory..triggering

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
need help with a body memory..triggering
5
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 4:46pm

I've posted on and off here over the past 2 years since breaking my neck. At that time I found myself waking up from surgery remembering just how my neck was hurt in the first place. I had always remembered but not in detail. I remembered the details...in full horror.

But I've been having dreams and sensations and flashbacks about being strangled. And this isn't the first time. The first time was very early in therapy when I was a teen and I woke up in the hospital having dreamed I was being strangled. It was so intense, I had marks on my neck as if I was being strangled and I was screaming. I couldn't have made the marks...they checked. They just came up from the intensity of the dream.

Since then , the memory has surfaced once in a while but recently has become a real body memory. I can see it, feel it. It was my mother. My father had made arrangements for a "back room" abortion(1951) but my mother backed out last minute afraid she might die(not that she wanted me). And my aunt told me many years ago that she had feared for my life when I was born as my mother really didn't want me. She even offered to take me.

I've had asthma since I was a baby but it gets especially bad when I'm stressed. I used to be so afraid of hugs I would hit anyone who tried to hug me. I blamed the asthma. I think I was blaming the wrong thing. And perhaps the asthma came from the attempted strangulation......at least the stress part. I do have allergic asthma and tons of allergies. But then there are those times I can't figure out why.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

gentle hugs,,,,,,,JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 9:04am
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 1:16pm

(((Jenny)))) It's possible that your dreams may be of being strangled. The body and mind does strange things in result of trauma.

Alisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 10:27am

Thank you healingjourney and lucky6th for the advice. I'll check the library for the book and ask my therapist if he has it.

On asthma, yes, it is asthma. My pulmonologist says I have 2 forms of it. The major form of asthma that everyone knows is the lung problems....the wheezing and coughing, chest tightness. I've been the hospital too many times to NOT have that.

But there is a second form that involves the upper part of the bronchial tree, specifically the vocal cords. It causes vocal cord dysfunction and your vocal cords can snap shut. I've developed more problems with that than my lungs at this point. You can be speaking, eating, even sleeping and all of a sudden, you have no air flow. You start coughing explosively as it's the only way to open the cords. I've turned blue and almost passed out for lack of O2.

It's this form that makes me wonder if there is an emotional component as it happens when I'm stressed more than when I'm not. But then I can't get a cold without it happening. So it's not all psychological. But when I'm dreaming and all of a sudden I wake up blue, I wonder if that dream was of being strangled. I'm always too busy trying to breathe to remember what I was dreaming about.

I'm confused right now. I know my parents both tried to kill me more than once and others in my family were worried about me. I've emailed both my brothers in hopes of getting a little insight or confirmation. They were abused too. And they are 6 and 8 years older than me. Perhaps they will remember something if prompted by my memory.

thank you for the advice............gentle hugs..............JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:56pm

The book that healingjourney recommended,

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 7:30pm

I don't have answers as you are really the only one that has the answers in you somewhere.


I can point you to a resource that might help : http://home.webuniverse.net/babette/index.html


Babette Rothschild, the person the link goes to, wrote a book called