Imagination Or Not????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Imagination Or Not????
5
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:44pm

POSSIBLE TRIGGER

I know my father abused me but just lately I have been getting images about my brother. Someone suggested this a while ago (a psychic who I am never going to see again!!!) and it has been playing on my mind since.

I used to sleep in his bed when I was about 8 and today I started getting vivid images of the room, his pyjamas, the bed, the duvet. I am now confused and not sure if my mind is playing tricks and it's because it has been suggested or whether it's truth.

It also appears there was some mild SA from my uncle too, just in the form of sitting on his lap (but think it was more for him).

I am going to take this to my session with my T.

The huge problem I have is I am having a party for my 30th bday and I invited my brother, sister in law (aswell as mom and stepdad) I am wondering how I am going to feel now this new stuff is coming to my mind. I have no proof either way and I am panicking as if it was true he is the last person I want at my party.

I still have so much resentment for my mother, my family has handled this whole thing appallingly, yet again they have looked out and protected themselves and left my to sort out to results of their mess!!!!

:(((((


Fluppet
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:09pm

I appreciate the anxiety you are in, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 11:13pm

TRIGGERING

I didn't include everything I had thought of about my brother as it would be far too triggering for others to read.

He was 7 years older than me so would be 15 at the time, I think I slept in the bed when I was younger too. Although I am certain her didn't molest me as my father did I think he may have been a case of him lying next to me and brushing against me.

It is hard to try and piece things together when you don't remember things in one go.

As far as my family coming for my 30th, it's just not that easy as saying about cats, incidently I am allergic to cats but for me it's by no means simple and doesn't compare. Part of my still loves mother but resents her too, the best I can do is see that at celebratory times.


Fluppet
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 3:59pm

HI Jen. My brothers are 6 and 8 years older than me and I also had the same experience. It might not be abuse as your father did but more of a "let boys be boys" stuff. My parents knew what what they were doing but turned their backs as they went through the same thing. That's why with abuse the whole family is affected even if only person is the true victim. It's an attitude of turning away when you know you should stop something, or accepting that if had the same kind of sibling relationships, and you're "normal" why screw things up by stopping it....why confront. In my family, my mother knew what my father and brothers and her brothers did but couldn't bring herself to confront any of them. then again, she was also doing it, but kept it hidden.

The agendas in abuse families would make books no one would believe. It's very possible your brother may have done something and even probable. But what harm was done to him? Or was the turning of your parents back enough harm? What is his life like?

I've forgiven and am good friends with both of my brothers. I did confront them and they both apologized. They were really screwed up by my parents turning their backs. Both ended up in affair after affair and losing marriages and custody of kids. They never learned how to be responsible or set limits on themselves. I can honestly say they've had as tough a life as I have.

It's perfectly okay to love your parents and siblings. We can love someone but HATE their behavior. They are not their actions. Their actions come from their pasts too. And deep inside they can be very good people worthy of love. So don't beat yourself up for the duality of your feelings. Separate the feelings from the actions. I used to be very self-destructive, actions that were very negative. But I was still a good person inside.

Other people can put ideas in your mind so you need to sit down with your brother some day...just the 2 of you, and talk. Don't accuse, don't cry, just tell him that you remember being in his bed and want to know, for your own sake if he did anything. Tell him you won't tell anyone or do anything about what he says except for telling your therapist. You're just trying to remember. He may come clean or he may not. It might take him some time. But if he knows you don't hold it against him as he grew up in the same dysfunctional home, he will eventually tell you the truth. That has been my experience.

Most people who have been abused are angry and want to blame someone, anyone. But if you are trying to get to the truth, blame and anger are the fastest way to drive away the truth. Who's going to tell the truth when they think they might be prosecuted or their secret be broadcast all over the family. They will tell when they feel safe, just like we remember when we feel safe.

So stay safe, Jen. Love the parts of your family that you love. My mother abused me horribly but she also was the one who taught me to love nature. I'd be lost without that love and understanding of nature. It keeps me sane. So I LOVE her for that. And let your brother know you'd really like to sit down with him some day just to talk over coffee. Tell him you want to get to know him more as an adult. Make him feel safe. It's my brothers that have filled in a lot of the blanks for me. I love them both!

big gentle safe hugs.............JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sat, 01-31-2009 - 6:43pm

WARNING POSSIBLE TRIGGER

Hi Jen

Thanks for your support.

It's hard to tell with my brother, but it amazed me when you said about your brother having affairs as I know my brother has had one too (this does not conclude anything)

I did a bit a regression in therapy (we were trying to establish if anything had happened with my brother). I have a great relationships with my T and am afraid of jeopardizing it but one thing she said sort of upset me a bit. We regressed back to the time with my brother and I said that nothing happened and all of I sudden started crying, then I saw his standing in front of my with no clothes on, then I got a tissue out and needed to spit in it. My T asked my inner child if he my brother did anything to me and she said 'no'

I knew I felt safe and not worried but my T almost minimized it and said she didn't think anything happen other than maybe boys being boys, I said about what about the spitting and she said that was probably related to my dad. I felt quite angry as any type of inappropriate stuff from older brothers should not be seen as acceptable as though 'that's what older brothers do'

Maybe I misinterpreted her, but just because I felt safe and not afraid around him doesn't mean nothing happened. I remember quite happily getting into bed with my father at the age of 5 after it had all happened with him and there was no fear then.

So I guess I felt that feeling safe was not an accurate indication that nothing happened.

Maybe it didn't I have no way of knowing but I know it felt like she was deciding for me.

I am afraid to tell her how I feel for fear of creating distance between us. I mentioned to her last week about her being a bit late for sessions which she apologized for and said was nothing to do with me.

I just feel a few frustrations building with her and this is exactly where my relationships start to go wrong and I start building walls around myself. Maybe I am doing my usual 'not getting too close' or looking for reasons to not get close as I feel more comfortable with distance so feel the need to create it.


Fluppet
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 3:38pm

Hugs Jen...very gentle and only if you can take it, hugs. TRIGGERING

Tell your T how you feel about both things....her dismissal and her lateness and how you feel like pulling away. It's important. Yes, we do isolate ourselves especially when bad stuff may be pending. Last spring I got so down that I pushed away everyone but forced myself to not push away my T. I think it was one of the first times ever for me. Felt good to push through that.

She may think your brother was just jerking off in front of you but not doing anything to you. That's what gave you the bad taste. But that doesn't mean he didn't do anything not does your reaction mean he did. I'll try to explain.

You are basing a lot of your memories on how your inner child is feeling....safe or unsafe. But one of our first posts to each other was about feeling fearless. I noted how I had felt fearless since a very young age(at least 4) and was wondering about others. You had that feeling too if I recall. We talked about it possibly being a result of being abused so young. We learned to cope by becoming fearless. At 2 and 3, you are dealing with very primative emotions like love, fear, hunger, frustration and hurt. You can't understand what is being done to you. I found that fear was my primary emotion so I dealt with it by becoming fearless. So I felt safe no matter what happened after that point.

If you had reached the stage of becoming fearless, you might have felt safe no matter what he did whether he was just showing off or trying to do something to you. You just slipped into that fearless state for your own mind's sake.

Perhaps that's why the T is pissing you off. You are slipping into that fearless state again as you want to push her away and not remember. You aren't that little girl who can survive anything on her own anymore. Hang on to her and talk about the little stuff that bothers you. Talk about fearlessness. This may be something she's never heard of. My T hadn't. He was fascinated by this concept of feeling fearless and we did a lot of work on it. You might teach her something.

Heck, I remember going through all sorts of crap before I could bring a big memory back. I push everyone away, I threatened(or try) to kill myself, I'd become self-destructive.....everything(I was fearless after all)! I knew the bigger the reaction from my psyche the bigger the bombshell coming. The worst of my memories came back in the hospital under 4 point restraint, on 24 hour watch with my T at my bedside. It was the only way I felt safe.

But then came the really big bombshell. I always thought that I didn't feel safe from my perpetrators but once the biggie came back, I realized I had to be safe from myself. I can honestly say if either of my parents had walked into that room as I was remembering and re-living, I would have killed them with my bare hands. I could feel my hands wanting to strangle them until they were both dead. It was my own anger I was so afraid of. My fearlessness was to protect me from myself and my own anger.(I think I just accidently answered my own questions about a body memory I was having). As a child you have such overwhelming anger at being hurt you can't cope with it so you tuck it away in a safe place and you have to tuck away all fear with it. If you're never afraid, you can't get angry and lash out uncontrollably.

So don't push her away. Try going at it at another angle. Maybe he knew you were being abused and wanted to threaten you just by jerking off or showing you his penis. Perhaps he was just doing "boys will be boys stuff" as she said and showing you how neat he was. How old was he at the time? A younger boy might be enthralled with his own body but an older one knows how it works.

Keep talking. I know how hard it is. Don't push away. If you can't push forward, take a break. I'll be here watching for your posts and I hope you won't push me away too. You can always email me. I'm "unFluppetable". I don't worry about triggers. I see them as good. I want to remember and get it OUT OF THE WAY! So you can't hurt me.

Keep working. You are amazing me with your insights.

gentle, gentle hugs............JennyB