Sexual Abuse Flashbacks and Rage
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|Mon, 02-02-2009 - 4:13am|
Hi everyone. I was wondering if anyone else is dealing with similar issues. Warning: this post might trigger. It's also a bit long. Sorry about that.
I started facing the fact that I was sexually abused at the age of four when I was nineteen. Before then, I just remember being terrified to go to bed, and doing all sorts of things to keep myself awake. I didn't connect these acute feelings of terror to anything specific. Also, the abuse wasn't recurring. It only happened once or twice.
When I was nineteen, I was in bed with my then-boyfriend, and I started having a flashback. It was a terrifying experience, and I reacted to it with rage and fight. I started screaming at him to get away from me, stop touching me, etc. After that experience, I started piecing things together a little bit. I had some great friends who helped me through the ordeal. I realized that there were bits of my childhood that I didn't remember; it was like someone put a wall up in my head. I'm still not sure of the details. From what I've been able to piece together, it occurred during a time when this woman used to babysit me. The images that have come to me in flashbacks since that time suggest things that just don't make sense, such as being in a car with a strange woman, and being in a strange room with strange men.
After the flashbacks started, I had to leave my relationship. My then-boyfriend had been physically violent with me a few times, and at that point, I couldn't take it anymore. After that, I was so focused on getting a job and making a living, that I didn't want to deal with the abuse stuff.
When my husband and I started dating, I told him about the trauma, and the fact that I had had flashbacks in the past. He has been extremely supportive. During our time together, I have struggled with flashbacks, and the rage that comes with them. I am not physically violent, but I become very verbally abusive. I hate this. I have been seeing a therapist, and she is really great. I am still afraid that I might never get past this rage. It feels stronger than me, sometimes. There are times when I want to leave my husband to protect him (even though I love him and would never WANT to be away from him).
Has anyone else experienced flashbacks and the rage that can accompany them? How did you cope?