Think I solved my body memory.Trigger

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Think I solved my body memory.Trigger
10
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 9:04pm

I posted a couple of weeks ago about a body memory I was having. I thought I was remembering my mother trying to strangle me in the crib. I think I was right.

I wrote a post to Fluppet last night where I told her how enraged I was when the worst of my memories came back. I was in the hospital for about 6 weeks as a part of my brain tried to stop me from remembering. I was suicidal and self-destructive. They kept having to put me either in seclusion or in restraints. I was tearing myself apart physically and emotionally. I could hear my dead mother yelling at me all the time. My dead father was telling me how to kill myself in the hospital(surprised the staff). After 4 weeks of emotional hell I hit my 35th birthday. I remembered on my birthday because it happened on my birthday. I had to be kept in 4 point restraint for hours, on 24 hour watch and they even called my therapist and asked her to come to the hospital. They feared they might lose me if she didn't as I only trusted her.

The memories came and I finally realized who I needed protecting from. ME. If either of my parents had been alive that day I would have killed them with my bare hands. I could feel myself strangling them. It was my own anger I had to be protected from.

Since writing that yesterday I've had more body memories and sensations. I know she tried to strangle me. That's why I wanted to strangle her.

Like many here, we feel at times like we want to kill our perpetrators. I used to fantacize about what I'd do to my father and my uncle. But my mother was always strangling her. I had to put my hands on her and feel her die. Why???? I never understood why. Now I do.

This may be the last of the bad memories that I need to remember and I think the birth of my granddaughter last year is what has stimulated this. Seeing this tiny helpless baby in her crib, fast asleep is what started it. My T says the Cymbalta contributed. It has caused incredible dreams for me that have turned to nightmares. It has become so disruptive of my sleep that I am going off if it. Two weeks to go and I'm through. But I am grateful for the help it gave me when I needed it. I can cope with the health problems and memories now.

None of us wants to remember but it does get easier. You get to know when they are coming and that they can't threaten you anymore. I just follow them down the path they lead until I get to the end and remember.

I feel sorry for my mother. I suspect she suffered from post-partum depression. I did and so did my sister so working it backwards, I imagine she did too. And I was born 6 years after she had 3 kids in 4 years so her body was not ready for another baby at 37. And she was abused too. I wonder what she would have been like if she'd been able to get the help I've gotten.

gentle hugs to everyone tonight.......JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 12:47am

Jenny,


Oh, good thing about the no zaps. :) You've been on it less time than me and at a lesser dose, so that might have helped too. I'm glad something else seems to have helped. :)


Take care of yourself


Alisa


Alisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 2:13pm

Thank you, Shannon. And prayers for Leo. He has his age on his side and that is a big factor.

gentle hugs and gentle prayers.....................JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 2:09pm

I've only been on since last May....8 months. I was having some major health problems at the time(as if breaking one's neck isn't enough, I was told I might be going blind)and needed something to balance me out while I waited for the testing to bring results and my drug for peripheral neuropathy from the neck problems wasn't working. Both health problems have been somewhat settled although new ones have popped up. I'm on 30mgs every other day and haven't felt anything. I think my arthritis drug has taken over for the Cymbalta and is stopping any weird reactions.....which is why I wanted to stop it. If I no longer need it for the neuropathy and the depression is gone, why stay on the drug?

No weird brain zaps here....unless killer kitten Sam jumps on my head!

gentle hugs.........JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 12:14am

Hey again Jenny. How long were you on the Cymbalta? I've been on for over 2 yrs now so most nights I don't get the bizarre dreams anymore. Every once in a while though, I do. Granted, I had some prettty crazy dreams before I was ever on it. What really gets me is even with normal ones, how vivid and real they seem. Sometimes I'm not sure something really happened or not. lol.


Have you had any "brain zaps" yet while decreasing your dose? I was sick w/ the stomach flu once and I had those wierd episodes. So not cool.


Hope all keeps going well.


Alisa


Alisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 5:03pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Jenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))


just wanted to send you hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:27pm

Thank you Gail.....I hope so too.

gentle hugs.........JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:26pm

So far so good going off the Cymbalta. I'm sleeping much better without the crazy dreams. I didn't mind the really vivid dreams of people I haven't seen in 30+ years but when it became nightmares, that was enough. I have RA and osteo and need my sleep to keep the pain down and it was making things worse. I'm on Orencia now for the RA and it seems to be doing a better job with the neuropathy than the Cymbalta was but I'll only know when I'm off.

I'm down to 30mgs every other day and so far nothing bad. Not even with the memories coming back. I think seeing my granddaughter at Christmas was the trigger for that memory and I'm glad it came back. It has helped me see my mother as someone who really didn't have any control over her actions.

BTW, Cymbalta has just been approved for fibromyalgia. Yikes! And they really need their sleep!

gentle hugs...........JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:17am

(((Jenny))) I'm sorry for what you've had to remember, but glad you finally found the missing piece so hopefully you can deal with it. It's interesting what emotions come up when little ones come into your life...I have a 19mo niece and a 5mo neice that I adore to pieces. But sometimes I think or feel things that's just sad.


Cymbalta, eh? Yeah, I have had some....interesting dreams on it to say the least. A few nightmares...mostly just completely bizarre dreams, sometimes so vivid I could swear it was real. How's going off it? I know my neuro wants to try to take me off it next year.


Alisa


Alisa

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 6:05pm
Sounds like this was a big piece to the puzzle for you. That's great. I hope you finally get some good sleep.
**gentle hugs**

Gail
**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 7:03pm
Photobucket