Comment that isn't sitting well (*T*)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Comment that isn't sitting well (*T*)
8
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 9:04am

Hi, I'm Mia -- haven't been here over 2 years even though I think about the board often. I'm sure a lot of folks have come and gone.

Quick background: Victim of incest by "brother" when I was 8, lasted couple years, unofficially handed off to cousin which lasted for several years.

Cut to today -- for the most part the SA issues have been dealt with on the grand scale and tucked away. Feeling the best I have in over 10 yrs, depression lifting, new meds, starting to live life.

Been talking to a guy online (met on a message board, took convo to email) I guess you can say we have cyber sex ... it's more what have you done, what turns you on, etc. All well and good.

Until yesterday's note from him. Based on a conversation on the board a group of us were having he e-mailed me and said oh you used to watch that too (an old show). Well this is what happened for me and proceeded to talk about "playing doctor" with his sister and cousins. Well throw a bucket of ice cold water on me.

I've never had this come up before, ever. Never had anyone admit to it. Of course I realize kids do it, but I guess I sorta assumed it's ok if its between non-family members.

I'm thrown -- and I'm not sure why. I can't decide if I'm upset or not, which may be what is upsetting me. (if that makes any sense).

I've come to accept the fact that specific things done to me as a child are the same things that turn me on as an adult (specific sexual acts, not being victim of incest). That took a little work to get my mind around, but I know that it's two separate things. One was done by a sick predator (or two) the other done by consenting adults in a sexual, loving relationship.

But with this e-mail I find I can't catch my breath and I really don't know what or why or anything.

I even had to dig out this member name, I hadn't used it in a while.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the length.

Mia

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 2:26pm

Mia....TRUST YOUR GUT. For all you know, this guy could be a perpetrator who is playing you along. Remember, molesters are the king of all cons. They can spot a victim a million miles away and they slowly play you until they get into position to strike. Your gut is telling you to back off and you should.

I'll share more about the vibes we give off when I have a few minutes. It's an amazing story that happened in my own life. Like it or not, we give off signals and they are masters of picking them up.

gentle tight hugs to keep you safe..........JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 6:26pm

Hi Jenny.

Thanks for your note. I look to your post re your experiences (no rush, I know how real life gets in the way of our computer time).

To be honest, I never even thought of that .. it was more my reaction that was sorta freaking me (or not freaking me) out.

But I'm interested to hear what you and others have to say.

(and cyber sex is probably too strong of a word ... but adult conversations via e-mail perhaps is a better description.)

hugs

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Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 10:41am

Hey Mia,


Judging from the casualness of his comment, he may have no idea how his actions MAY have affected his siblings and cousins? Who's to say that his "doctor" play wasn't simply that, just play? Perhaps his sisters and cousins were just as playful as he felt he was. Of course, it also could be that he just doesn't know the ramifications of his "play".


My suggestion would be to talk it through with him a little more. Ask him how old they all were and find out if he's ever talked to his sisters as adults to see if his doctor games affected them in any way. Further conversation might help you get a better understanding. IMO it's a little early to make a conclusive judgement on the guy.

**gentle hugs**

Gail
**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 2:18pm

Okay...first, I have learned the hard way to listen to my gut. My gut is instinctual and guides me well. I'll trust it and if time proves my gut wrong, then I'll go with my head or heart but I always go with the gut first. I wasn't always that way.

So here's my story of how I learned about the vibes we give off as SA survivors. I was primarily abused prior to age 7. Just before my 8th birthday we moved from the States to Canada and my life prior to that faded away almost immediately, including my abuse. I didn't remember until I was in my 30's.

I was entering 3rd grade and my new school was directly across the street from my house. We all walked to school so I was within walking distance of all the kids in my class and free to be friends with any of them. By 5th grade I was part of a tight knit group of 5, 5 girls with no real ties through sports or music or dance or anything else. We just all got along and really liked each other and found a good shoulder to cry on when we were upset. We stayed close until age 15 when we all started dating and we split apart as fast and we had come together and bonded. High school was only 11 grades so by 16-17 we were all off to college or work or in one case, marriage. I had started therapy before high school ended and was hospitalized for the first time about 6 months after graduating. I was then shipped off to a hospital in the US. My mom died before I was to come home and I ended up staying in the US and lost touch completely with those friends. We graduated in 1968.

Fast forward to 1998. One of my high school alums started an alumni website and I was one of the first to join. I made it known to all that I was there with one big motive. Both my parents had been molesters and I was determined to find anyone else they might have hurt so that I could, at the least, say "I'm sorry". I know I'm not responsible for my parents did but I also knew the benefits of hearing someone involved(even remotely) to sincerely apologize for the hurt. That was my goal.

But I had a hell of a time finding my old girlfriends. One was in the UK, one was in Germany, one was down south and the other on the Canadian west coast. But I did find them. And you know what? I found what had bonded us together so tightly....we were all being molested at home. All of us! That's no coincidence. We had somehow recognized something in each other that drew us together to help us stay alive and thrive despite what was going on. And I had repressed memories and didn't even know I had been molested.

So what drew us together? I don't know. Was it behavior? We were all in the gifted program and well behaved kids who never got a single detention. Was it emotions? Didn't seem like it. The only thing I can come with is that we all lived in fear. That's why we behaved so well. We sensed each others fear. But why me? I didn't live in fear, in fact I was rather fearless. But I think they sensed something else.

I would not have believed this unless I had also gotten involved in a program to teach kids how to avoid being assaulted. We did the program with kids in kindergarten, grades 2 and 4. We had a separate program for older classes. But in K, the kids we identified as needing to be watched were pretty evenly distributed between the morning and afternoon K's. But 2nd grade, most of the kids we identified were all in one class. They had been identified by their teachers as being "problem children" but not knowing anything about possible molestation. By 4th grade, they were all in the same class and being given a hard time, having been labeled as emotionally troubled and not being given the support they needed. Often parents would be told and then the kid got into more trouble. The educational system made it worse, not better. It never dawned on the teachers that the problem was the parents not the kid and the child needed their love and help, not punishment.

So I had already seen how teachers sensed problem kids without knowing what was wrong. Then I find out about my friends. So I reluctantly came to the conclusion that we unconsiously put out some kind of signals. It might be fear, or anger, or sadness. I don't know. But I know I've developed "abusedar" like a gay person has "gaydar". I can sense another victim or a perp. instantly. My gut throws up red flags like mad.

And my response to you is based on your "abusedar". Your gut is telling you something and you need to listen to it. If you can stay safe and pursue the relationship, I envy you. I couldn't. I'd go running. But you can send those same signals over the internet and perps. can pick them up....easily. They have "abusedar" too.....only they use it to find abuse victims. Most perps were abused too so that's where they got it but then they decided to use it negatively.

So that's my strange story of finding out just how we come across to others.

gentle hugs..........JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 4:11pm
Mia welcome back to the board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 6:42pm

Hi Jenny.

I would have sworn I replied to your post the other day but as usual my mental telepathy means of posting just aren't quite working as well as I think they should be. :)

What an awesome story, thank you for sharing. It is odd how certain people tend to congregate toward each other for reasons, that at times you don't know why.

I like the term "abusedar" as well. I'm a big believer in gut instincts/reactions and I still haven't put my finger on my reaction, I don't believe my radar was going off, but we'll see.

I do find it interesting that thanks to the internet we do tend to share things more than we likely would not in person (or at least I have been that way). So this actually has been an eye-opening experience for me.

Gentle hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 6:55pm

Hi Brenda!

Oh believe me, even though I may not have posted in a while, I've never forgotten this wonderful board or the people who have touched my life when I was here.

You are correct about things sneaking up on you out of left field sometimes. That's life.

I took Gail's suggestion and wrote to him Sunday evening and calmly asked the usual type of questions of how old were you, were they, did anyone ever say anything, etc.

He did answer me a little later in the evening, very matter of factly. I won't share the details other than to say he was only 6 and the girls were older than he was. He did run into one of the sister's friends years later who actually commented to him about it and mentioned something about how she still fondly thought of that (they were older) -- and again, this was not a relative.

I decided to sit on the email all day Monday and process it. No reason for an immediate reply. Well interestingly he wrote me mid-morning on Monday stating "I have to explain" and proceeded to ask/clarify "I hope you don't think I'm into kid porn or anything" and proceeded to explain things even further.

I came home from work and decided to finally reply to him (and about the same time he was writing again asking "why did you ask?" to my original query). I thanked him for sharing originally, for answering my question and for the further explanation. I went on to explain that I'm a survivor of the same thing he did and that I was having some mental difficulty wrapping my brain around my reaction (I didn't say I reacted, cuz I really didn't, which is what is kinda throwing me).

I don't think anything will come of our relationship other than a periodic email. I don't get a weird vibe or anything, he told me not to apologize for anything (which of course I did, cuz that's me! lol) and we shared a few feelings on the subject.

All in all, a not-completely-bad experience despite the speed bump I found myself dealing with (I can't say reacting, cuz it really wasn't).

Anyway, sorry -- I ramble at times, as you can tell.

Let me post this, say thank you again, and see if I can share some words of wisdom to others.

Gentle hugs to you,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 7:24pm
Mia, don't worry share, ramble, rant, whatever any time you want.