So ashamed, so much guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
So ashamed, so much guilt
3
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 8:50pm

And it seems to have been like this for as long as I can remember although just lately it has become extreme.
I feel like I am just not good enough, I feel ashamed I am not like other people I see or have close bonds with others.

I don't have a best friend but all my friends seem to have best friends but not me.
I am constantly comparing myself with other people and I always come off worse.
I feel like I don't have enough friends, I am not loved enough, I am not good enough.
I had a birthday party recently and was constantly thinking about how sad and embarrassing it was that there were not loads of people there.

I thought of all the people that could have been there but as I have fell out with so many people of the years. I blamed myself for everything that ever went wrong in my life even though I know that's really not true but why don't others seem to have as much conflict in their lives as me.

Now I feel desperate and am trying sooooo hard to get close to people, to feel loved but I feel like I am giving more than ever now.
When I don't make the effort though, no-one bothers with me, they don't which the triggers my insecurity again. I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, one desperate to feel loved and the other telling me people are treating me badly, to keep away, to not stand for their behaviour.

I feel more messed up than ever. I know people say recovery is lonely but I feel so ashamed and nothing, NOTHING is ever EVER good enough for me. As far as I am concerned, I will never be thin enough, never have enough friends, never be good enough to be loved, never be like other people.

My thinking is causing me to feel so utterly miserable and like the biggest failure going, I am angry at people and desperate for love all in one go.
I feel ashamed all the time and I compare myself with others all the time, I am so nice to people just so they will be nice back.
I know some people say depression is anger turned inwards but I don't know, I am beating myself up so badly.

I feel the people who want to get close to me are sad, not good enough or are just out for something.
This is a horrible way to feel and I just don’t know if it's possible to ever, ever feel any different.
I am alone, isolated have no partner. Most people don��t want to know about my problems, so I don't feel like anyone wants to know. Most of my life I have felt totally ashamed of myself and being exposed. Most see the face I put on but they never get any closer to see what's inside.
I feel people who are trying to get close to me are too old, too nerdy or whatever else, I feel like those that try and get close are never good enough (I know I am repeating myself)

I am so sick and tired of 'recovery' I want to run away, I am so bored with my existence. This is me, this is how I REALLY feel and to be quite honest I feel like I can't carry on with this life, I just can't see it ever getting any better.
For me it's all black and white, I can't communicate my negative feelings to others so it always just stays surface. I become friends with people then after a while get angry with them and because I can't communicate my feelings, I drop them out of my life.
I am trying to get close to people who already have their lives established (they have a partner, a best friend, a family etc)
My life feels so chaotic, I have no stability.

It's all just tonnes and tonnes of guilt and shame and embarrassment of myself.
I feel humiliated, I don’t feel it will ever change, I can't live with beating myself up, I have enough other problems to deal with.
Also I don't believe people love me or care for me which was demonstrated to be wrong on my birthday, but I feel if people don't act the way I want them to, it's proves I am not loved (I guess I am mentally setting myself up for failure).
I am so desperate at the moment, I think I am disassociating all my negative feelings.
I have lost all touch with my REAL feelings, I have lost touch with my reality, at the moment, everyone else is great and amazing and I am useless and nothing. I know I am black and white thinking again.

I know so well I jump to conclusions about others behaviour, the slightest thing wrong and I am upset, offended, holding a grudge and not forgiving at all.
But then so much bad stuff has happened I feel like I will never be able to let stuff go.
I feel like I am worse off than anyone else around me, I think in lots of ways I am quite immature emotionally, but don't know how else to be. I want people to show they love me all the time, I am so self absorbed and really never think of others, I am so wrapped up in myself.

Needed to vent that, it's been going around inside me for far too long.
Also I have noticed I have been behaving a lot more loving to people just lately, even people I don't know, I have been more open about stuff and saying really nice things to people, you know, loving stuff that I wouldn't have said before.
During my birthday party, I felt so loved and spoilt by some people, I got some lovely presents and lots of kindness, I just wished I had them around me all the time to make me feel so good. I feel like I need to feel loved by others. It's a shame I couldn’t enjoy the good bits because I kept analysing stuff. I had 2 school friends there that I have only just recently got in touch with and I felt so embarrassed and kept worrying what they were thinking, that I didn’t have as many people at my party as I am sure they will have at theirs.

It's not that I can't have relationships with others but they seem to wrong and then I have to start all over again and meet new people. My father was a drunk and very unstable so maybe this has caused problems in getting close and having stable friends.
Then again, those I have been friends with for years I harbour resentments and blame for lots of things over the years that I have never told them about.
I feel like I never really fit in anywhere, I am so often distancing myself from others; maybe my repressed anger from childhood is having a negative impact on my current relationships.

I never have a close friend to go on holiday with, I never have a close friend to share my secrest and live with. You see I feel like people will not want to know if they meet the real me, when I have disclosed stuff in the past, I have been rejected a lot. I have taken that rejection to mean I am not good enough to be loved.
I am passive aggressive and whilst I never show people my anger, it’s definitely there, in some ways I feel I am highly strung and handwork and in other ways I feel like a doormat pushover.

So hard, so tricky, very long I know but I needed to get it out

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 3:01pm
Happy Belated Birthday.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to feel quilty!!!

Come vent here all you want.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 1:32pm

Happy Belated Birthday!


I feel badly that I cannot remember the details from people on these boards. I get stories and lives confused. That has nothing to do with you, but with my bad memory. So I don't recall if you're in therapy or not. If so, or if you have been, has anyone ever diagnosed you with borderline personality disorder (although they're currently trying to change the name to Emotional Intensity Disorder)? I ask this because so many things you say strike me as being similar to me. My therapist actually does not believe I have full-blown BPD, but he does think I have very intense emotions and some of the traits that those diagnosed with Borderline have. I started going to a group for Borderline/EID last spring. There were some things discussed that weren't an issue for me, but other things really hit home. And as I read your post I thought of some of the things discussed in our group. I'm not trying to diagnose you and certainly not trying to upset you by suggesting you have some disorder, but some of the things I learned in this group would be helpful to you it seems. You're not alone in these feelings. I learned that in group. Other people have a lot of similar feelings to mine, and similar to what you're describing.


Let me know if you'd like to talk more about this.


Allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:44pm

You've said quite a lot in your post and I want you to know that you were heard.