More upset, more decisions

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
More upset, more decisions
4
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 10:29am
My family really needs prayers. I also need discernment on how to proceed. My idiot brother molested me in 87/88, raped me in 90, and continued to pursue me until about 5 yrs ago. I forgave him. I forgave my folks for keeping a blind eye to the situation and not believing me. I am being honest about that too. Here is the problem. This same stepbrother has been accused of molesting his 12 yr old and possibly his 14 yr old. The stepmother called the cops and the idiot was removed from the home. That was 6 weeks ago. Nothing is happening. We are in a holding pattern. The idiot is staying with my folks which is no good. Now my mother tells me that her and my dad are going to get the girls from their stepmother and that the idiot has agreed to sign over joint custody, meaning my folks will have an equal say with my brother regarding the girls. Ok so far. Here is the tricky part. They are NOT going to make my brother move out! They are going to allow the idiot to live under the same roof as the girls he has molested. They claim that a former social worker has told them that as long as they aren't left alone together it "should" be OK. My mom called the PD where the report was filed and the TRO only states that my brother has to stay away from his residence, not the girls specifically so that won't get in the way. This is insane. My folks CAN'T protect the girls with him in the house. They couldn't protect me. I was molested while they were home! People do sleep you know. The only story my folks have heard is my brothers. They have refused to talk to the girls about this or their stepmother. I have. I have not spoken to my brother. I don't need to. I used to have a really close relationship with my folks, until this. I am going to have to draw a line in the sand. I will not allow my children to be in my brothers presence. The bond between me and my folks is breaking. My childrens relationship with their grandparents is suffering. I feel like I need to let my father know (he is my bio dad whereas my mom is my stepmom) where I stand and where my families boundaries are. They are welcome to come see my children whenever they like but my children will not be in their home as long as this child molester is there. This is going to cause major problems. I need to continue to pray about how to proceed down this road, though my mind is clear about where my boundaries are.

I don't know if what I feel is right or wrong, but they are my feelings just the same. I feel that if my father goes down this road, allowing the idiot to live under the same roof as the girls, that he is once again choosing Mike over me. I accepted what happened and how it was handled long ago. But now should we not all be wiser now? How can my father let this happen again after knowing the past? It feels like he doesn't believe me even now. It feels like a slap in the face. I don't know if I will ever be able to get past this. How can I ever trust them again? This is insane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 3:39pm
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 3:25pm

The girls are currently with their stepmom. Their bio mom is not in the picture and is a loser as well. She had custody of them once but my parents fought and took it away from her. Her husbands (at the time) father, whom they lived with, molested the girls when they were 4 and 5. The mother chose to stay with her husband in that house. My parents found all this out after she dropped them off for a 3 day visit after having taken them away for 9 months with no word. She didn't call or try and come back for the girls for 3 whole months! My parents got emergency custody as the girls were deemed "abandoned." As you can see they have been through hell already. THat man was sentenced to 6 yrs, of which he only served 3. My dad had to call in every connection he had political and Lions club as well as bombard the papers with letters to the editor and harrassing the DA. Still it took almost a year before something happened.

The stepmother plans to divorce my brother. Good for her. She has a teenage dd and 2 teenage ds of her own. She has no legal right to sign for treatment which is why no counseling or medical exams have been done. CPS has to order that because obviously my brother isn't going to consent. CPS apparently is waiting for an arrest. Catch 22.

My folks are really messing up here. And neither of them realizes how hard this is for me. YOu are absolutely right that I am reliving it through the girls eyes. It sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 1:58pm

First of all, You are feeling exactly what is normal. Your doing nothing wrong by any means! Keeping your children safe and away from what happened to you as a child is only common sense. I know it must hurt that your parents are trying to push this all under the rug Wow! Its like your reliving it again through these children eyes as he does the same to them he did to you. I would say your doing all you can do on your part don't let them make you feel your over - reacting or choosing sides your choosing for the children to be safe "physically" & "emotionally". Whats going on with the childrens mother? could you go to her and make a plee to keep the children away from him, tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 1:40pm

Yep, it is insane. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your children and refusing to let your brother be around your children. Thank you for being a great parent and protecting your children! That makes me happy.


The whole thing reminds me of the way my family reacted towards my grandfather (the abuser). I refused to go near him and had to stand up for myself. It's hard, but you've got to do what you know is right.


I would make phone calls and make sure idiot never gets custody of his girls. I don't know if those calls would be to the police, courts, human services, but I'd do everything in my power to make people see how insane this would be. Honestly, though, I don't see how the idiot could be given custody of children he abused. I'd raise hell and talk to everyone I thought could help. Will it cause stress in your family? Yes, but if your parents choose to side with a known abuser over their innocent grandchildren, that says a lot about them, IMHO.


I have lots of questions for my parents about my past that I know will never be asked or answered. It's not easy. Please continue to fight for these children.


Allie