spoke to my dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
spoke to my dad
9
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 9:01am
Well, my dad called last night and I dealt with the situation over the phone. He made it sound like he didn't want to deal with coming over so I went with it. It did not go well at all. I stayed very very calm and even toned. I didn't cry, didn't raise my voice, didn't get hysterical. I didn't fight back. I told him that we just wanted to be fair and communicate with him. Told him DH and I have talked about the situation and have decided that our children will not be permitted to be around Mike. I told him that he and my mom are welcome to see the kids any time they wish at our house. They just can't be around Mike. My dad got mad. He told me that I would have to rethink that because that wasn't going to work. Have I thought about holidays? Mike WILL be there for those, am I not going to show up anymore? I repeated that we will not allow our children to be around Mike and yes we have thought about holidays. I told him I have to take care of my family the best way I know how. He told me that keeping them from the family is a stupid way to take care of them. He told me I was a selfish b**** and that my only goal appears to be to hurt him and my mom. He tried to guilt trip me about how hard this was going to be for my mom. He called me a drama queen. Told me I was making a big deal out of nothing. Told me I have nothing to worry about and creating drama must be my favorite pastime since I quit working. He was kinda mean and I felt very slapped in the face and sick. I did throw up when I got off the phone. It was horrible. He is trying to squash my feelingings once again. Trying to tell me that they are make beleive. Why do people do that????? Nobody can tell another person how they feel. I told him in response to his tirade that I am waiting on a referal for counseling. He said "great, now the whole world is going to know." Are you kidding me????? He totally doesnt' get that the phone conversation was about me, not him or anyone else. He has really let me down. He is sooooo emotionally not there for me and it hurts bad. I realized last night that the real feeling of hate is creeping its way back into my heart. Hate for Mike because he did this. He did this all and I am the one in the wrong. This is scary. I have some serious, on my face before God, praying to do. I can't live with hate again. It is all consuming. I have lived there once. I knew it wouldn't go well but I guess I didn't expect it this bad. I am proud of myself though. I stayed calm when he did not. I didn't allow him to bait me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 10:49am

Stand Firm!!!


We have been through something very similar in recent years.

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 12:39pm
My dh works for a state run prison. Because of the nature of his job we have some free counseling. Working in that environment day in and day out can wear on a family. Sooooo, we are working through the referal process so that I can get counseling. At this point why should I pay for it, even 20%, if it is a benefit of his job, ya know? If I can't work that out then I will see someone our marriage counselor has recommended. Our marriage counselor is also the associate pastor at our church. His training and education is mostly for marriage, not abuse and recovery. I have spoken with him once or twice but he is focusing on how this is affecting my marriage and keeping that strong. I survived this once, I will survive again. It is just never easy to lay boundaries and enforce them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 1:06pm
I commend you for being strong and sticking to your decision.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 2:08pm

I am so sorry that your dad is being such a pain. This is why I refuse to talk to my dad about any of my current issues. He doesn't know that any of the things that have happened to me have. I know he wouldn't believe me and would probably react the same way. I just wanted to give you hugs and let you know that you are in my thoughts. I am proud of you for sticking up for your children. I hope that if I am ever faced with a decision like that I will be able to do it.

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Cynthia You are loved, You are Special, You are WORTH IT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 2:10pm
Bless your heart Hon! You are doing what you need to do to function and keep your kids safe. And by all means that is all that matters. Shame on your dad for thinking the way he does. And shame on him for trying to guilt you into feeling you were trying to only hurt your mom(as he said), through this all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 5:17pm

My gosh if they knew how terribly hard we tried every day to just live normally and NOT think about it !


No kidding! My dad claims I am just trying to throw the past in his face. Like I want to lay awake at night for hours not being able to make my brain shut down. Like this is fun for me. He flipped when he found out I was talking to my bff and my online christian womens group about this. He is upset that I am seeking counseling. Says I just want the whole world to know. I pointed out that my online group is ONLINE not in our town or surrounding town. His friends will never find out. I can't believe he just wants me to bury this and not ever speak of it again. Unbelievable. This is not going to be an easy road but I am going to walk it, one step at a time. It just sucks that I was an only child before my stepsiblings. My bio mom died 25 yrs ago. My dad means a lot to me. I am still on really good terms with my one brother (step actually) and just saw him today. My sister (again step) is upset with me but we are pretty much ok. She lives 13 hrs away though. And here I am, carrying a baby I wasnt' supposed to have (too high risk) and want to share this with my mom (step) and dad and can't. I am used to sharing with them. My mom was my doula for my first birth and there for my second. I went through all the classes with my mom instead of my husband. My dad attended many many of my ob appointments with my first. This is hard to not have them to share with. I will survive though. It isn't the end of the world, it just sucks.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 6:10pm
~hugs~
No matter what hon this is not your fault...you have to protect your kids.
My heart goes out to you.
I have been there.
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 8:46pm
Oh Hon my heart so goes out to you! Wow i hope you realize how strong of a person you are! Even though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way You are doing what's right and what's right is usually not the easiest route but most of the time the Toughest! Bless you for putting your kids first. It sounds like you have a great DH that always helps! I pray God will guide you through this and bring you the strength and comfort you need. Hopefully he will also open your fathers eyes to see how much he is hurting you in all this as well. So the two of you can start to heal. ((HUGS)) - Tressa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 02-28-2009 - 1:20pm
Thanks for the support. Things are moving forward and in a positive way. I just posted about that on another thread.