hello CL

I completely agree with the cl. I too was sa at a very young age. As a teenager I was at a party got drunk and was molested by two 20 somethings. I nvr told anyone. I assumed it was just part of teenage life and the fault was mine. During those yrs I would binge drink and smoke weed every weekend. When I was a freshman in hs, I wound up somewhere with I think two or three guys again. That night I was in the edge of consciousness. I have vague memories of the guy raping me for hours and hours and I think the other guy or guys were watching. I vaguely remember being laid on the sand, then on the hood of the car. Looking back, I was probably slipped a drug. Again, I said nothing. I assumed it was what teenagers do. I had a totally unhealthy understanding of sex and boys. In my family u didn't speak about that. My parents were always emotionally unavailable. My dad was severely depressed after the suicide of my brother (I only learned it was suicide a few yrs ago and it happened 20 yrs ago) my brother caught himself on fire purposely and left a note blaming my father (my dad was a fireman hence his chosen method.) So I can't fault my dad. My mother, I can't understand. She doesn't care that I was sa or that I have ptsd. It took me so long to tell her cause I didn't want her upset and she didn't care. Talk about a blow to my heart. Anyway, its extremely difficult for me to have sex with dh. In fact, we had a two year dry spell. Now, I'm ok with sex a little bcause I feel like its not fair to him if I don't, but I can't stand for him to touch me. He accepts but but I know its hard for him. Anyway, my pt is that my whole life and attitude has been shaped by what happened when I was 3. First, I felt like it was ok whenever anyone assaulted me, then I was repulsed by sex. Period. I hope this helps u to understand that your feelings are not unusual. Its very hard for me to admit to my behavior as a teenager bcause I'm still sure I caused it. The people here r o supportive and great. I am alone in my issues and this community has become my support group. I hope u get on the road to healing.
Moonie