confronted mom...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
confronted mom...
8
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 10:12pm

hi...


i used to come to this board, mostly lurking, a couple of years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2009
Fri, 03-06-2009 - 8:53pm

Hi,


You have every reason to be upset, I know that this is tough news for a mother to hear, but as we all know the abuse is a lot more to deal with. You are the victim and she needs to be there for you!


I was abused by my father when I was 9-10, my mother found out made a big deal about it was going to leave and then all of a sudden it was dropped. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 03-06-2009 - 11:25am
I'm so glad that you are feeling comfortable here.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Fri, 03-06-2009 - 9:24am

Hi Again Tangerine,

I can SO relate to why you did not tell. Those are/were my exact reasons. Then of course when we are older, we hope for a better outcome. We soon learn, there IS NONE! I only mean in cases like ours, not all. We all want out mothers' love SO MUCH, we keep trying and trying and trying to please them. And the rejection DOES hurt more than almost anything else could!

I am older, and I can say it gets easier, but depending on my brain chemicals at a moment, it still hurts. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc. I used to feel suicidal at times like those. I can get through these times now, with less trauma. The days come and go and if I am lucky I won't have remembered "what day it was".

You sound strong to me with very good coping skills. I know now that being abandoned by my entire family was the best thing they could have done. I did/do NOT need people in my life who pretendd NOTHING happened or plainly just protected the perp.

I KNOW you will be ok! Now, we all can "pick" our families. We have found wonderful people not only here but on other places online. We can pick and choose from those who are on our sides. We don't need phonies or liars. We lived with enough of them!

I KNOW you will be ok. Please keep writing and letting us know.

With many warm hugs,

Mady Bead Good
www.mwrg7.com

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 10:29pm

wow, i knew i came to the right place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 3:48pm
Photobucket

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 4:06am

Hi, tangerineseed. I have been on this board over the years because my

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 2:30am


Dear Tangerineseed,

Oh Tanger {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry have to abbreviate bc it hurts to type. I wish I was there with you in person. I wish you could read what happened to me, which is SO typical to all of us.

I did not ever tell ANYONE until my middle to late 20's. After telling ONE tdoc, then a pdoc I told my ex hus.

It is such a long story from there, I will try to explain...I then called my aunt who was my mom's sister. She already knew bc I had told her long ago. SHE talked to my mother who got in touch with me. I was working on a manuscript back then, which is a book now. I DID NOT want to confront my mothr on the phone. I was SURE she would die/or need SOME kind of support. I know I would hve! WELL! When I FINALLY told her she acted like I had just said, "hey mom, just bought a new dress", or I just failed English, or WHATEVER. She had NO freeking reaction! I thought how could this BE? HOW COULD THIS BE???????? I just told her her husband had been molesting me for 20 years physically and emotionally! She said, "I don't know WHAT to believe". I wanted to kill myself at this point. (not suggesting you should)...very long story so I will cut to the END...she did not call me for a long time...she started to ask questions. She wanted me to come over...I told her I would not ans ??? on the phone but would send her a copy of my ms. She read it...did not believe it. Took many, many, many weeks but we made a plan to have a joint sesssion with my then tdoc!

Btw, she claimed she confronted my perp/fathr who said he did NOT know what I was talking about!!!!!!!!!!!!! To have to sit with her in therapy was scaring me to death. We prepared for this in advance like it was a trial! She got there, sat next to me and the t askd her what she thought of the situation. She said "I don't know WHAT to believe!" To have to hear that in person was BEYOND DREADFUL.

That was like over 30 yrs ago. Have no family, they ALL abandoned me, which is the best thing they could have done.

Honey, I am and I am SURE this ENTIRE board of survivors is SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You did what we all want to do, but it's SO devistatingly painful.

AND...YES, YES, YES, YES, of COURSE you are entitled to be angry! YOU are entitled to feel ANYWAY ! These are your feelings.

I have to stop, but PLEASE know you will be ok!

With lots of hugs and PRIDE,

Mady Bead Good
www.mwrg7.com

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Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 11:30pm

Welcome back. Wow, telling your mom was really courageous. I think you owe yourself a huge pat on the back for having such strength.


I remember telling my mom for the first (and only) time. That was about 20 years ago. I told her I needed to tell her something and that I wasn't sharing this with her to make her feel guilty. Then I proceeded to calmly tell her that I was SA'd by my step-grandfather. I said it without any emotion. It was just a factual delivery, nothing more. She listened, said nothing more than "oh" and then she left. I never heard a word more about it from her. In fact, a year or two later she gave me a few old photos and one was actually a picture of me sitting on my step-g/f's lap. I was appalled! Like you, I think I was angry and hurt. I suppose I wanted her to take an interest in my well-being. But I guess she became so obsessed with her own feeling of guilt and shame. Of course, it would be about her, right? I don't know, maybe that's some sort of protection for our mothers. Perhaps it's easier for them to blame themselves and to beat themselves up rather than to begin to imagine our pain. Who knows? I honestly didn't feel any need to sever my relationship with her but her reaction was yet another huge disappointment.


I don't have any real answers but I just wanted to let you know I can relate.



**gentle hugs**

Gail



Edited 3/4/2009 11:35 pm ET by opal45
**gentle hugs**