iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Sun, 03-08-2009 - 12:23am

after more than a week after confronting her, my mom finally got in touch with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: tangerineseed
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 9:01am

I am sorry I have not read all your posts but you have done the best thing for you, how your mom is responding is not your fault. I am sorry to say this but it sounds like she is trying to dump the guilt onto you and it's working.

Families often do this, blame the victim as they are too scared of the implications of confronting the a*user. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME not for telling not for anything at all.

Families can really really let us down when we need them, my family thought I was lying but it was the same kind of thing as you they were trying to put their stuff onto me as I was an easy target, already wounded, like survival of the fittest, you really get to see some animalistic behaviour here, they are not thinking properly.

Please realise that your mom needs help but not from you. I know only too well when you can barely even get dressed let alone help someone else. Keep talking here, we can be your support and keep a perspective on things as right now you are feeling guilty for something that isn't your fault.

There is no way in this world you should have kept it in, I was so scared to tell my mom as I thought she would fall to pieces and it would destroy her, but instead she sadly decided to ignore the whole thing and pretend it wasn't happening.

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: tangerineseed
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 5:56am

Dear Tanerineseed {{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If EVERYONE on this board told you you did nothing wrong and you should not feel guilty would it help?????????? I SO agree with Gail and Brenda. We have all been where you are. I already told you what happened when I "came out". It's NEVER easy, and of COURSE we are the ones to feel guilty. We have/had been made to feel that way since childhood. We were brainwashed. I use ANOTHER expression in my book, but I cannot say it here.

Naturally WE are the ones who are going to suffer no matter WHAT we decide to do. ONE major reason is that (and PLEASE TRY to remember this) we punish the wrong people. It is easier for us to punish ourselves than the ones who perpetrated crimes against us. It's all we knew growing up and we continue to do so, UNTIL we get help and work on this particular issue. Working with a tdoc is very helpful I found and it is NOT a one session deal. You must keep talking and talking and talking about this guilt until your brain and soul can REALLY understand and let you off the hook! The more you talk and discuss this and the more you get out, the sooner it will lessen the guilty feelings.

I never thought they would go away...but they have. I am living proof! Lot's of us on this board are also. We are here to tell you that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG honey. WE did NOT CAUSE our mothers' pain. 'Their husbands DID! Put the blame on the right people for the first time and see how it feels! Don't let ANYONE including your mom make you feel guilty. NO one can really MAKE you feel guilty, they can TRY, however. If you truly understand what happened to you and all of us, you will see the truth. The truth will come after you do the work. I promise it will come! Keep working with a tdoc and KEEP talking about this subject. I think it took me a year. It was a long time ago, I just know it took quite a while, but well worth the effort.

Tangerine, PLEASE remember what we have all told you. Keep reading the posts over and over and over. We have been through it all, and we would NEVER lie to anyone just to make them feel better. We are all telling you the TRUTH!

Wishing you the very best.

With a healing heart,

Mady Bead Good

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: tangerineseed
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 4:28pm
I'm so sorry that you are having these feelings about telling your mom.



Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: tangerineseed
Sun, 03-08-2009 - 10:47am

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling such regret and self-doubt. You and your mother are going through some of the worst part of healing. Unfortunately there's no other way to get through this. Sure, you could have waited until after your sister's wedding. But trust me,

**gentle hugs**