New Here & Depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2008
New Here & Depressed
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 5:19pm

I've been lurking here for awhile. I have so much anger & rage sadness at the moment. This is my deep rooted childhood pain. The pain that has haunted me my entire life. The pain that has brought me the inability to be intimate or to trust anyone. Especially men. I've lived a life of secrets. Unable to be open with what I'm feeling or thinking to some degree. Always picking bad men. And pushing away the good ones. I feel isolated..I feel like no one understands me..I'm always testing men I care for..never believing the ones who say they care for me. Always keeping them at a distance until I push them away forever. I just confroted my brother in a letter. I let him know that I remember what he did to me. I've known for a long, long time..but it wasn't until the last few years that I realized it was my brother who had abused me more. I was abused by my grandfather as well. But it was my oldest brother who controlled and manipulated me my entire life. My sister made me feel horrific when I told her how I did it (confronted my brother) she said it wasn't open and honest enough since I never signed my name. She called me things..she said my brother was sick too and he needed to be forgiven. She said I had so much hate in my voice and the next step for me was to forgive. I have not spoken to her since.

It feels like I'm so alone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 10:04pm


Welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us.

My name is Brenda I'm the cl here.

You are NOT alone here.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 8:51am

Your not alone at all logan, I am sure most of us on here would agree that we could have wrote EXACTLY the same as you, feeling alone, not trusting, issues with men, I've got it all too honey.

I was abused by my father between 2-5 years old and there is still some question over an uncle and maybe a brother.

I have all the rage you talk about but mine goes inside and I feel horribly depressed.

I feel all the betrayal too, my family responded badly when I told them and I too haven't spoken to one brother for a year after the way he 'responded'

I don't know the answers but I do know you are not at all alone, I feel just the same as you do.

All I can do is be here to to listen and maybe share stuff, I have been in therapy for 2 years, are you in therapy?

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2009
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 11:16pm
Hi I am new here too. I am going through something similar. My abuse was also