Should I have a relationship w/my mother

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Should I have a relationship w/my mother
9
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 3:17pm

Word of warning: I think this will be long! Sorry!

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:08pm

Sadly, your story reminds me of the stories from so many of us on this board: families tells us to "forget" or "get over it" and have no understanding of what we're going through. That's what I hear you saying. Your mom thinks an apology should end your pain. She thinks if she has apologized 77 times then you should be "fixed" 77 times over. It's not that simple. Imagine if you'd accidentally backed over your mother's leg in your vehicle. It was so badly damaged she could never walk again. You apologize over and over and over again. Would that end the pain or suffering your mother would go through? Of course not. She'd still be dealing with the trauma for the rest of her life. Her apologies cannot heal all your pain and she doesn't seem to

Avatar for ateachersangel
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:55pm

Allie, thanks!

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Registered: 04-18-2008
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 2:11pm
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Hi ateachersangle, welcome to our board.
 

 

 

Avatar for ateachersangel
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 10:58pm
Hi Brenda, Thanks for writing back. I guess I just don't get my mother. First, I just don't see how she could stay with him- because if my husband molested my daughter........he'd be so gone! I have very strong feelings about that!
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Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 9:20am

Are you familar with the idea of all of us having an inner child? When I read your last post it seemed to me that the part of you "ruled by your mother" is still that hurt little girl part, while the other part is the adult part of you making good decisions. That hurt little girl part needs to be taken care of and wants to be loved. She needs her mother to take care of her. The adult part of you is finding out that mother isn't going to do that. I feel I have had, and still have, a similar conflict. I'm not suggesting multiple personalities, just that somewhere in childhood that little part of you got stuck because of all the bad things happening. It's that little part of you who is still needing to be taking care of. We all seem to struggle with this (those of us on this board).


My therapist reminds me that I do a fantastic job of taking care of everyone else--my son, my husband, anyone who needs help, trying to do things to take care of him--but I don't do a good job of taking care of myself. Obviously if I'm capable of taking care of all others, I'm capable of taking care of myself. It's that little part of me who says no, someone else needs to take care of me. My biggest struggle is in believing I can take care of myself and stop expecting someone else to do it for me.


I'm not trying to suggest that all that applies to me applies to you--we're all different and have different stuggles. Yet I think there's something to this little part of you needing her mother to protect her even while the adult part of you is angry. I'm glad to hear the adult part of you is getting stronger.


I think all of us--especially SA survivors--need to take care of that little part of us. The little girl needs to be loved and cared for--by ourselves! It's not always an easy thing to do, but the more you can listen to the needs of that little girl the more in touch with her you'll be and I think it will help.


Just my 2 cents.


Allie

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Registered: 09-15-2003
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 7:21am

Just to let you know I am in exactly the same place as you, half of me does not ever want to see my mom again and the other longs for a mom.

My mom is not handing out the olive branch like yours but mine is in total denial too although my a*user is no longer here my stepdad has got issues, there were times a few years ago I thought he was making a pass at me.

My mom never makes the effort with me at all which makes my anger and feeling cheated even stronger.

Your mom is in denial of your stepfather, but she did behave greatly when you first told her, with getting arrested etc. a lot of us our moms don't or won't even believe us.

I understand all your feelings and I have cut my mom out a couple of times.

I am also in a strange postion as now I realise my brother did something and I am close to my nephews and he is at my moms a lot.

I was once told to leave that angry, hurt part of you to one side when you see family and just try and enjoy the good bits.

You could make conditions and say that you are only going to let your mom see the kids, personally I wouldn't let your stepdad within 100 miles of your kids but I think there may be something to go with your mom.

It's very very hard and there is no easy solution, I know because I battle with mixed feelings towards family everyday, one part of me wants to belong etc. the other is very upset and wants to see justice served.

It's not for your mom to decide whether having her in or out your life is a good or bad thing and sounds like she is being slightly manipulative. I too have two voices that are always battling with each other, it's not a nice position to be put in. My brother said recently to put things behind me but I am physically ill due to a*use to I have a life sentence for a crime I didn't commit, how can I just get on with things??? Like you my mom lives in a nice house, is pampered by my stepdad and seems to have a great life while I am still paying for their mistakes, it isn't right it isn't fair, only G*d knows why we go through this, I tend to see things in black and white, right or wrong, good and evil, I never even care how any of my family feel, I care only about my own feelings (that not to say I don't feel guilty if I distance myself from my mom) but the way I see it is they (family) all look after number one, they have shown time and time again they would never put my feelings above their own so I think why should I bother with people who don't deserve me.

My thoughts are with you

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
Avatar for ateachersangel
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 11:31am

Hi Allie,


Yes, I'm familiar with the whole inner child theory. It's hard to explain my thoughts on that, but I guess the gyst is I don't think I'm very good to my "inner child."

Avatar for ateachersangel
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 12:16pm

Hi Fluppet.


I know- I think that is where my mother is coming from......she *did* have him arrested, jailed, counseled, stop drinking, etc...

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 6:55pm

You did not offend me. I could have written that exact post. I have always **hated** that little part of me. It's only been this past year that I started to really be nice to that little girl and realize she's not a separate part, but is simply me! I've learned that I need to try to have a dialogue running in my head to tell that little part of me that all is okay, that nothing bad is happening, that I can take care of her. It just has been a long, gradual process to get myself to even believe that...and somedays I still don't. My therapist has taught me that usually when I have an emotional need and want someone else (usually him) to take care of me, it's that little girl who is feeling alone and abandoned and that I need to take care of her. So that's why I try to have a dialogue with her. Sometimes I have to tell her no, she can't have what she wants. Other times I try to do things for her that she needs. It's a child inside of me and she doesn't always get what she wants, but when she needs something I'm the only person who really can help her. Some days I really hate her and blame her, and that's what makes me feel I need my therapist to take care of me. It really, for me, all comes down to me taking care of that little part of me. I'm just not very good at doing it yet and not very good at even wanting to do it yet as I enjoy the attention from my therapist. He