Dragged Down Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Dragged Down Again
8
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 11:12am

Oh my God, I am in the most unbelievable excrutiating emotional pain I can't sleep.

Mother's day, was dreading that anyway, all I got from mother was criticisms over my plans to move and listening to her being all loving, caring and supportive to my brother and his family, while I dont' get a look in.

This world is truly a messed up place, I am going to expolde at my mother tomorrow, I am going to go to see her after workso my control freak step father can't interfere and manipulate her and I am going to yell her exactly how her behaviour is affecting me and how I simply can't bear what is going on, if things do not improve and continues to be ruled and put my stepfather over me every time and give support to others and not me I am going to go out of her life.

Her actions completely contradict all the healing work I am doing as they bring me right back down again and make me feel I am unloved.

This is really really destroying me and I really have to make a decision even though it's not easy I have tried distancing myself etc but nothing makes me feel better.

I can't go through feeling like I do today agin, after christmas I came home in floods of tears and so too tonight, I have had enough of things all being her way, either she compromises and sorts her behaviour out or I am gone for good, I am cutting all ties, I may feel guilty and sad but it will be better than how I feel right now.

I am sure my brother abused me too and in his card to my mom he wrote 'thanks for being there for us' (his family)

HAS SHE BEEN THERE FOR ME??? TAKE A GUESS, NO!!!!!!!!! The world is totally messed up place and totally unfair, I am in pieces, I am so enraged I can't sleep, I am so out of balance, I have tried praying but I really am beside myself, this is a life sentence, why is life so cruel and unfair??????

The day after....

So I am a bit calmer today but was planning to go and let it all out to my mom how angry and upset and hurt I feel, now I have thought that may not be a good idea so yet again I am holding it all in, saw a friend who just sat and listened to me but was trying to fix my thoughts and feelings which only frustrated my inner child even more.

I am so sick of people telling me what I should be thinking and feeling, I have an angry hurt little child inside of me who is only very young and isn't capable of understanding adult speak, it's like telling a two year old to run a business, it's not within my capabilites for that child to understand she is still stuck, how can she grow and mature, she needs love sometimes I can't always give it her but she wants my mom all the time, she is desperate for my mom, what can I do??????????

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 12:06pm

"saw a friend who just sat and listened to me but was trying to fix my thoughts and feelings which only frustrated my inner child even more."


Wow Fluppet, this is an awesome awareness!! You have a great opportunity here. If you can, just sit with that inner child and ask her what she needs from you right now. She may want you to rage at your mom so you'll probably have to help her understand that you're working on a better approach then see if there's anything else she might want you to do for her now. Maybe she wants you to listen to her by allowing her to share her feelings using your non-dominant hand. Sometimes

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 3:44pm
Flup, we love you here.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 7:00pm
Thank you so much for your all the support, this is such a hard journey to take with lots of bumpy winding roads and I get so scared and frightened of what is ahead but to hold your hands while I am doing it and to know I am loved and have friends here stops me from going under, bless you all xxxxxxxx
Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 7:24pm

Gail I wanted to ask a little bit more about this revelation about inner child. I didn't realise that she felt so frustrated.

Yesterday I tried to comfort and hold her but nothing would work, do you know any ways to connect with that inner child?

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 9:03pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Fluppet))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I just wanted to hug you my friend...... Love you much.

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:57am

I really admire you for reaching out and trying to comfort that part when you felt her frustration. Although try not to let her reaction disappoint you too much. This is all new so connecting within is somewhat of a learning experience. It might help if you put yourself in her shoes.

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 3:03pm
I only wish I could be there in person to hold your hand and give you hugs if you wanted.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 3:18pm

((((((((((((((((((Brenda))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks to my beautiful friends here I love you all so much, you are so special to me

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x