Dragged Down Again
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|Mon, 03-23-2009 - 11:12am|
Oh my God, I am in the most unbelievable excrutiating emotional pain I can't sleep.
Mother's day, was dreading that anyway, all I got from mother was criticisms over my plans to move and listening to her being all loving, caring and supportive to my brother and his family, while I dont' get a look in.
This world is truly a messed up place, I am going to expolde at my mother tomorrow, I am going to go to see her after workso my control freak step father can't interfere and manipulate her and I am going to yell her exactly how her behaviour is affecting me and how I simply can't bear what is going on, if things do not improve and continues to be ruled and put my stepfather over me every time and give support to others and not me I am going to go out of her life.
Her actions completely contradict all the healing work I am doing as they bring me right back down again and make me feel I am unloved.
This is really really destroying me and I really have to make a decision even though it's not easy I have tried distancing myself etc but nothing makes me feel better.
I can't go through feeling like I do today agin, after christmas I came home in floods of tears and so too tonight, I have had enough of things all being her way, either she compromises and sorts her behaviour out or I am gone for good, I am cutting all ties, I may feel guilty and sad but it will be better than how I feel right now.
I am sure my brother abused me too and in his card to my mom he wrote 'thanks for being there for us' (his family)
HAS SHE BEEN THERE FOR ME??? TAKE A GUESS, NO!!!!!!!!! The world is totally messed up place and totally unfair, I am in pieces, I am so enraged I can't sleep, I am so out of balance, I have tried praying but I really am beside myself, this is a life sentence, why is life so cruel and unfair??????
The day after....
So I am a bit calmer today but was planning to go and let it all out to my mom how angry and upset and hurt I feel, now I have thought that may not be a good idea so yet again I am holding it all in, saw a friend who just sat and listened to me but was trying to fix my thoughts and feelings which only frustrated my inner child even more.
I am so sick of people telling me what I should be thinking and feeling, I have an angry hurt little child inside of me who is only very young and isn't capable of understanding adult speak, it's like telling a two year old to run a business, it's not within my capabilites for that child to understand she is still stuck, how can she grow and mature, she needs love sometimes I can't always give it her but she wants my mom all the time, she is desperate for my mom, what can I do??????????